Southpaw Jones

The day has arrived. We are now officially ten years removed from the final episode of Seinfeld, one of the greatest works of art ever broadcast on television. Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David held fast to their two rules throughout the 9-year series: “No hugging, no learning.” They did not aspire to examine the forest of human existence, just the trees. They dealt with our basic needs: food, shelter, clothing, relationships, and sex. A show about nothing. And everything, if not Everything.

They asked the question, “WHAT are we doing in this modern world?” In some ways, they also asked, “Isn’t it weird that we do these things?” But they never asked, “WHY do we do the things we do?” As a result of either wisdom or apathy, they kept the big questions of the human condition distant and voluntary, up to each individual viewer.

The show never preached an outright sermon. It only presented truths. It didn’t say, “Don’t be selfish. Don’t lie.” Instead, it said, “Wow, everyone is selfish, and everyone lies, even though selfishness and lying consistently result in double trouble.”

Seinfeld and David were a perfect peanut butter and jelly team. You can watch Seinfeld’s stand-up routine and David’s excellent Curb Your Enthusiasm to see the personal themes that came together so well in their lengthy collaboration. Seinfeld tends to focus on the world out there: “Isn’t it silly? Isn’t it random? Who are these people?” David tackles the external world, too, but he includes himself more in the mix: “What is wrong with me? I can’t believe the way I behave on a daily basis!” Hence Larry David’s doppelganger became neurotic George, and Jerry’s on-screen character became the straight man, greeting each new dose of madness with a flippant or bemused “That’s a shame.”

I believe that both men have a clear sense of strong, old-school, Jewish justice. The best evidence for this is the finale of the show. They actually put their characters on trial, and found them guilty of anti-social, unproductive, plain mean behavior. In a sense, they not only condemned the premise and appeal of the show itself, they also judged the American audience for being so quick to relate to their everyday monsters. It’s no wonder folks didn’t enjoy the end of the series as much as they hoped to. I loved it, personally. The ultimate lesson of Seinfeld was this: “Hug and learn, or wind up in a cage of your own making.”

as reported in The New York Times

May 14, 1908
PLOT TO KIDNAP BRYAN, JR.
Reported That Plan Was Formed to Lure Him to Texas Lake.
GALVESTON — It is reported here that William Jennings Bryan, Jr., who is visiting in South Texas, was made the victim of an attempted kindapping on Galveston Bay about twenty-five miles south of Houston. It is said he was approached in Houston by a man who said he was a friend of the young man’s father and invited on a hunting expedition at Clear Lake.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I’m worried about that young lass. Her boyfriend has a corn cob pipe, a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal! Isn’t she worried about what summertime will do to her…

Highlight here for answer: [snow beau]


LSD vs Alcohol vs Tree

There is no loneliness like the loneliness of crowds, especially to those who are unaccustomed to them.
H. Rider Haggard

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8 pm
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, MAY 16, 2008
8:00 PM
Oma Gruene’s Backyard Bier Garden & Wine Cellar
1263 Gruene Rd 78130
NEW BRAUNFELS, TX
1-830-626-6543
www.omagruene.com/bier.html
________________________________________________________________
WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com

El Trip to West Texas, May 1-5, 2008

One of those national morning shows featured West Virginia primary voters today, and one woman came right out and said, “I won’t vote for Obama because he’s a Muslim.” It’s so refreshing to see that even Democrats can be ignorant, paranoid sacks.

By the rule of Unique Name = Muslim, here are some other definite sleeper cell members:

• Oprah Winfrey
• Uma Thurman
• Alabama
• Fozzie Bear
• Aretha Franklin
• Carrot Top
• Yoda
• Winona Ryder
• Mutual of Omaha
• Yao Ming

By the way, my favorite part of all this silliness is the Obama Muslim myth paradoxically combined with the Reverend Wright controversy: “The minister of his Christian church is angry and wild, so we can’t vote for him, plus he’s a Muslim!” Could it be he’s an alien posing as a Muslim who attends a Christian church just for the good tunes? I think you’ve got to pick one. If the church is a cover for decades of plotting to put a Muslim in the White House, we can safely ignore the Reverend Wright stuff. Obama has just been sitting through those sermons in a trancelike state thinking, “Destroy America. Bring down the infidel. Make honkeys in West Virginia suffer!” However, if you think the Rev. Wright controversy has more legs, you should probably forget about the Muslim subplot.

That’s my free advice to the mayonnaise sandwich-eating sister-kissing racists of America. But for the record, a secret terrorist Black Panther president could do no worse than George W. Bush. What’s he gonna do? Start an unnecessary, expensive war with a dictator that Muslims deem secular, make a ton of money for Middle East oil nations, and sit on his hands domestically? Think about it. It’s always the one you least suspect.

So ends my political rant for the month.

as reported in The New York Times

May 13, 1908
“SWEETBREADS FOR BRAINS.”
Roosevelt’s Latest Attack on a Senator Angers His Colleagues.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Seems like folks always go Benedict Arnold and betray their government around this time of year. Must be…

Highlight here for answer: [treason season]


LSD vs Alcohol vs Tree

Which do I prefer? Sex or chess? It depends on the position.
Boris Spassky

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8 pm
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, MAY 16, 2008
8:00 PM
Oma Gruene’s Backyard Bier Garden & Wine Cellar
1263 Gruene Rd 78130
NEW BRAUNFELS, TX
1-830-626-6543
www.omagruene.com/bier.html
________________________________________________________________
WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com

El Trip to West Texas, May 1-5, 2008

Do you have the name of an ex-lover permanently inked into your skin? Trying to give yourself a clean epidermal slate? Matt the Electrician was telling me the most common (and most unfortunate) cover-up for a tattoo is an 8-ball. That makes me sad.

I thought I might start a dating service for folks who can’t escape the past every time they take a shower or go to the pool. Before they try tattoo removal, before they try to cover it up with a bigger tattoo, they should let me help them find a new boyfriend or girlfriend with that same etched name!

Let’s say you’ve got MARIA tattooed on your right arm with a mermaid and hearts. My staff and I would search your metropolitan area for women who share your interests, socio-economic standing, and that specific, lovely name. How hard could it be? We could also look for girls named Mary, Marian, even Marta! That’d be a quick fix. We would also have a database of desperate folks willing to change their name on a whim.

I was all excited about the idea this morning, but I ran into my first obstacle when I discovered that tattoops dot com is already taken. Oh, well.

as reported in The New York Times

May 12, 1908
MRS. LONGWORTH’S JOKE.
Puts Tack on a Chair in House Gallery and Visitor Sits on It.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Did you know you have some rotting crumbs and shredded paper in the hair above your lip? Are you going to do something about that…

Highlight here for answer: [’stache trash]


LSD vs Alcohol vs Tree

Human nature is the same now as when Adam hid from the presence of God; the consciousness of wrong makes us unwilling to meet those whom we have offended.
Matthew Simpson

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8 pm
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, MAY 16, 2008
8:00 PM
Oma Gruene’s Backyard Bier Garden & Wine Cellar
1263 Gruene Rd 78130
NEW BRAUNFELS, TX
1-830-626-6543
www.omagruene.com/bier.html
________________________________________________________________
WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com

El Trip to West Texas, May 1-5, 2008

Hillary Clinton’s still going!
Hefty sums to herself she be owing
She used the word “whites”
Having run out of Wrights
She’s lost in all ways ‘cept the knowing
LINK

Myanmar leaders have shown
They don’t want our help post-cyclone
While in dire straits
They act like the States
Stubbornly standing alone
LINK

“Been a while since I used the word ‘swallered’
But it fit when my purty wife hollered
She called it a sink hole
But I prefer ‘stink bowl’!
Our small Texas town just got smallered.”
LINK

Did you know men get post-baby blues?
Twice as sad as wild, childless crews
It ain’t that complex
Less sleep and less sex
I hope no one paid for this news
LINK

as reported in The New York Times

May 9, 1908
MONEY IF FAITH IS CHANGED.
Episcopalian Clergyman Must Turn Catholic to Obtain $15,000 Bequest.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I make sound effects for a Christian radio show. People assume that it’s just hammering nails into boards and yelling “Crucify him!” into a microphone, but there’s a great deal of variety involved in…

Highlight here for answer: [holy foley]


Ugly Bugs

All phenomena are real in some sense, unreal in some sense, meaningless in some sense, real and meaningless in some sense, unreal and meaningless in some sense, and real and unreal and meaningless in some sense.
Robert Anton Wilson

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

My post-vacation return to normalcy continues tonight at 8 pm, as I’ll perform with Matt the Electrician at Flipnotics @ the Triangle in Austin. Tonight’s Song Title Challenge is Full Body Experience. What will I come up with? Your guess is as good as mine! Come on down tonight to find out.

After posting a whiny blog yesterday about the work-a-day world, I’ve decided to be proactive and find a new way out of the rat race. I think it’s time for me to write a book. In fact, I long to be the last person to produce each type of media before it becomes obsolete. “Southpaw Jones was the last man to release a compact disc,” they’ll say in 2056, “and then he killed the very last tree to make something called a tome!”

Let’s say I were to propose and/or write a book based on the format of this here site, including non-fiction essays, short stories, poetry, even Rhyme Time. I’d need a super title to get my foot in the door of any respectable publisher. So let’s get started! Rome was not built in a day, the journey of 1,000 miles begins with one step, and I was born and raised in the briar patch! Here are some potential titles with my name attached to every single one for effect:

Missle Annie and other Specificities
by Southpaw Jones

If It Ain’t Broke, Take Its Money
by Southpaw Jones

Church-Going for Non-Believers
Finding Truth in Dogma and Free Coffee on Sunday Morning
by Southpaw Jones

You’re Doing Great and other Lies
by Southpaw Jones

Grace in the Face of Mace
by Southpaw Jones

The Slightly Flawed Bush Presidency
by Southpaw Jones

“Where’s the Far?” and Other Cowboy Requests for Slower Pace
by Southpaw Jones

What do you think? Is there any gold here?

as reported in The New York Times

May 8, 1908,
WANTS NEW HYMNAL.
Episcopal Church Clubs Hear Recommendation for Fresher Tunes.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Do you like the painting? The upright tripod behind it is more impressive, if you ask me. It moves around the room on tiny wheels, displaying my favorite works in different locales. Unfortunately, it runs on the most expensive type of fuel. Trucker fuel, no less! But I can afford it, and I’m very proud of my…

Highlight here for answer: [diesel easel]


Ugly Bugs

What do I want from this life? What makes you happy is not enough. All the things that satisfy our instincts only satisfy the animal in us. I want to be proud of myself. I want more. I want to look up to myself and when I die, I want to smile because of the things I have done, not cry for the things I haven’t done.
Tom Hurndall

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com