Southpaw Jones

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:
I need to go back to Rock & Roll Rentals today. Ugh. That’s where I got the Firepod that helped me record some stuff last week. It’s due for return or renewal today. It’s a great local business, but some wanks in there are too kewl for school. I mean, Austin does not have a good reputation for service, and these guys are making sure it stays that way.

I go in to get a firewire audio interface so I can play with Garageband. I knew exactly what I wanted, how it would work, and what it would do for me. But I discovered early on that I was in the realm of Jack Black in High Fidelity or Comic Book Guy of The Simpsons.

Southpaw Jones presents
And Another Thing…
More verbosity with velocity and viscosity:
I had to fill out a lot of paperwork, which is understandable. You don’t just give out expensive equipment to random rockers. When I was finished writing, the guy who gave it to me was gone. Vanished. Only two goobz remained behind the counter. One was a hipster parody with a faded t-shirt that displayed something like “Born to be Mild” with a line-drawing of a salsa bowl. He also wore a big, foamy baseball hat which is so – let me e-mail my ladyfriend on this one – hmm, she must be busy - I’m just gonna guess two years ago.

The other guy was a crabby, bearded doof. Neither of them was glad to see me living, breathing, and waiting at their counter. So they ignored me for a few minutes. Finally, I got the doof. He looked over my paperwork with a combination of disinterest, disdain, and distrust. I managed to jump through all his hoops and get to the sweet rentin’. Of course, he still didn’t want my business, so he made every attempt to get me to give up and leave. Really, I didn’t know whether to leave, laugh, or stick with it for the sake of “the music.” I stuck with it, and I held my tongue when “Shouldn’t you be working at a comic book store?” almost slipped out.

When I made the mistake of saying the word “Garageband,” the in-store music screeched to a halt and a more than a few heads turned. He informed me bluntly that Garageband is for people who “don’t know what they’re doing.” I said firmly, “I want to rent the Firepod for a week, kind sir.” And I did.

Southpaw Jones presents
I can’t stop!
I can’t stop, ’cause it’s lightnin’ strikin’ again. Yeah:
Austin can often be the smallest of towns, and I saw the bearded doof a few days later at a restaurant. He was with his girlfriend, who was “too cute for him,” according to my girlfriend, who is too cute for me. From what little I saw, he was a completely different person. Meek, humble, and completely dominated by his companion. It was like Clark Kent having voluntarily given up his powers in Superman II.

I smiled to myself, and I decided I couldn’t judge the guy too harshly. But in a moment of weakness, I was severely tempted to walk to his table, gently pat his club-stamped hand, and say, “Huevos rancheros, eh? You know, that’s for people who don’t know what they’re doing.”

Spike Gillespie presents
A Haiku History of the World
A look at our past, / seventeen syllables and / three lines at a time:

Fourteen ninety-two:
Chris Columbus breaks ground for
the first McDonald’s.

Southpaw Jones presents
Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

The rich, Auctus, see their irritability as just another industry: hating is more cost-effective than giving.
Martial, Epigrams XII.13

Thank you, come again!
www.southpawjones.net
©2006 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:
Wow, two dudes out there enjoyed Shank (see Tuesday’s iPawed). I’ll have to call his agent…see if I can renegotiate his contract.

Tonight is the Hump Day show at Café Mundi. 8 pm. Matt the Electrician has abandoned me to go on “vacation” with his “family,” but I’ll play as many Southpaw hits as you can handle. Also, I’ll be joined by Harold Ambler, who just moved to Austin from Maine. And I’m trying to convince Spike to read some Spaiku.

Last week, at the Cactus Café, I ran into David Ansel, Austin’s Soup Peddler. He makes soup for delivery, and he wrote a book! He’s been a local hero of mine for some time, but we had not spoken at length. I mentioned to him that I’d love to write a theme song for each of his soups. He told he that he has “over a hundred” varieties. D’oh. I was hoping for more of a Baskin-Robbins number.

He later brought up his weekly menu e-mail with its changing themes and textures. This week’s selections, he told me, were inspired by Napoleon. Perhaps I could contribute a song? And so it was that I began my research and dusted off my songwriting brain.

Southpaw Jones presents
And Another Thing…
More verbosity with velocity and viscosity:

I became obsessed with the idea that Napoleon had so much and lost it all. Twice! Check out the story of his brief return to power, from good ol’ Wikipedia:

In France, the royalists had taken over and restored King Louis XVIII to power. Separated from his wife and son (who had come under Austrian control), cut off from the allowance guaranteed to him by the Treaty of Fontainebleau, and aware of rumours that he was about to be banished to a remote island in the Atlantic, Napoleon escaped from Elba on February 26, 1815 and returned to the mainland on March 1, 1815. King Louis XVIII sent the Fifth Regiment, led by Marshal Michel Ney who had formerly served under Napoleon in Russia, to meet him at Grenoble on March 7, 1815. Napoleon approached the regiment alone, dismounted his horse and, when he was within earshot of Ney’s forces, shouted “Soldiers of the Fifth, you recognize me. If any man would shoot his emperor, he may do so now”. Following a brief silence, the soldiers shouted “Vive L’Empereur!” and marched with Napoleon to Paris. He arrived on March 20, quickly raising a regular army of 140,000 and a volunteer force of around 200,000 and governed for a Hundred Days.

Sounds like a pretty intense guy. So I started experimenting with Garageband and came up with a rather sad take on the man’s last days, exiled on the island of Saint Helena.

Spike Gillespie presents
A Haiku History of the World
A look at our past, / seventeen syllables and / three lines at a time:

Gutenberg printing
thrills all the writer types with
a moveable feat.

Southpaw Jones presents
iPawed [Original]
Pound for pound, the best sounds around. For free!
I almost forgot the song! Here it is. Do share with whomever you like. It is available on MySpace as well, if you’re not in the downloading mood.

Lower this Table (3:30)

Southpaw Jones presents
Paw Prints
Pics of Southpaw & his environ:
The portrait I found to go with the song:

Thank you, come again!
www.southpawjones.net
©2006 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:
Alrighty folks, today marks the One Week Anniversary of southpawjones.net, and I couldn’t be happier. Thanks to everyone who contributes and reads and bookmarks. I have invited my entire mailing list to visit the site today. That’s hundreds of folks who had no idea what they were getting into when they wrote their e-mail down some night in some coffeehouse. We’ve come a long way, my friends, and I wouldn’t trade it all for a pot roast.

If this is your first visit, feel free to look around. I’m hoping to keep up the pace of 5 fun bits 5 times a week. I’ve got some friends contributing various articles of word and deed. They’re great, if you ask me. It’s all about sight and sound and language and not repeating oneself. And not repeating oneself. So leave a comment to let me know what you think. If the site looks odd on your particular computer, perhaps I can improve it. I’m not perfect, contrary to what you might have read in Southpaw’s Mom: A Mother’s Manifesto.

I even recorded an aural welcome for you all. It’s odd, I’ll admit that right here and now, but I’m posting it anywayz. Check section 2. Here it comes!

Southpaw Jones presents
iPawed [Oddity]
Pound for pound, the best sounds around. For free!
Welcome to Southpawjones.net! (1:51)

Spike Gillespie presents
A Haiku History of the World
A look at our past, / seventeen syllables and / three lines at a time:

There’s no place like Rome.
A salad of Caesars tossed
aside by the Goths.

Atomic Robot presents
Wikipedioh?
What you might not know about what you might now know:
Roman Emperor Caligula Attempts to Nominate His Favorite Horse to Highest Public Office in Rome.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incitatus

Caligula was the first of the so-called “Mad Emperors” of Rome. Aside from having incestuous relations with his sisters, having his Roman legions attack the sea, bringing back shells as “spoils of war,” and watching executions as he ate, he nominated his favorite horse for the position of Consul – the highest public office in Rome.

Here’s what Wikipedia tells us:

“Incitatus was the name of Roman emperor Caligula’s favored horse. Some have indicated that the horse was attended to by eighteen servants, and was fed oats mixed with gold flake; according to Suetonius, Incitatus had a stable of marble, with an ivory manger, purple blankets and a collar of precious stones. Caligula even procured him a wife, a mare named Penelope. It has also been said Caligula claimed his horse to be a ‘combination of all the gods’ and to be worshipped as such. Suetonius wrote also that Caligula planned to make Incitatus a Consul.”

Fortunately, this motion was blocked by the senate and Caligula was murdered by his own guards shortly thereafter.

Here’s what Wikipedia DOESN’T tell you:

That’s fine. Go ahead and laugh like you’re living in a superior society. Here’s what you don’t know: Harriet Miers, President George W. Bush’s first nomination to the Supreme Court, was actually his favorite horse in disguise.

Southpaw Jones presents
Paw Prints
Pictures of Southpaw & his environ:
Here’s a shot of me opening for The Ginn Sisters at The Cactus Cafe in Austin last Tuesday. Mr. Ron Baker sent it to me, and you can check out more of his concert shots here. Thanks, Ron!

Thank you, come again!
www.southpawjones.net
©2006 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
The core of the blogosphere, thoughts/feelings that might not matter:
I done seen some movies lately, and it feels good. Good to be in a dark air-conditioned theater while the hot sun pokes, pokes at everyone outside.

I loved Superman Returns. Very true to the motif and mystique set by Richard Donner in 1978’s Superman: The Movie, one of my favorites. However, Lois Lane was horribly miscast and miswritten as a boring supermodel type with no quirk. NO QUIRK! LOIS LANE! Margot Kidder was so great in the original, so great. I miss you, Margot. [Call me.]

Moving on, Strangers With Candy successfully tickled my humerus. Amy Sedaris & Stephen Colbert, you can’t really go wrong there. It felt like three episodes of the show smushed together, but that’s exactly what I sought: a dark, dirty, silly comedy ruled solely by laughter extraction.

Southpaw Jones presents
And Another Thing…
More verbosity with velocity and viscosity:
I should note now that I did not attend these two screenings alone. I nudged my girlfriend to go with me, and while she seemed to enjoy both, I felt like I owed her one. Do you like that formula? Two of my movies for every one of hers. Brilliant.

Anyhoo, she wanted to see The Devil Wears Prada, quite the girly movie on the surface and beneath. But it was fun and not bad for realz. Focused not on romance as most girly movies are, there was minimal cute-guy-on-screen time. Guys who are cuter than me AND made up AND perfectly lit AND projected twenty feet tall…they make Southpaw angry and green. Make me want pec implants. But this flick wasn’t focused on boyz. ‘Twas focused on career and ethics and, well, clothes.

At times, it was a commercial for the fashion industry. Other times, it satirized that shallowest of worlds. As I watched – I doubt it was intentional - this silly look inside one microcosm made me realize that all our little worlds are rather ridiculous. We’re all surrounded by excess and frivolity. Here me now: there is no value difference between hours spent trying on shoes and hours spent checking out the latest Gibson guitars.

That’s right, folks, The Devil Wears Prada helped me remember that I, Southpaw Jones, am no better than anyone else. Except the homeless. And Mel Gibson.

Good job, Anne Hathaway movie!

Spike Gillespie presents
A Haiku History of the World
A look at our past, / seventeen syllables and / three lines at a time:

Hunt, gather? Why? This
is the dawning of the Age
of Agrarius.

Southpaw Jones presents
iPawed [Oddity]
Pound for pound, the best sounds around. For free!
For My Life Partner, Spencer (1:05)
Samuel L. Jackson personally invites me to see Snakes on a Plane. We’re tight, so he calls me “Paw.” Sort of.

The Ginn Sisters present
Something’s Gotta Go!
One of the following must cease to exist except in your memory. Which is it?

TEX-MEX FOOD or ITALIAN FOOD
Discuss!

Thank you, come again!
www.southpawjones.net
©2006 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Southpaw Jones presents
Rhyme Time!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:
Southern debutantes in Satan’s inferno (1 syllable each)
Highlight here for answer: [Hell’s Belles]

Spike Gillespie presents
A Haiku History of the World
A look at our past, / seventeen syllables and / three lines at a time:

Ice Age arrives and
prompts Homo sapiens to
start wearing some clothes.

Herman Bennett presents
Plumb, Plumber, Plumbest
Observations from Austin’s singing Jewish plumber:
I ran into the emergency room and hollered to anyone who would listen, “My wife is having contractions in the car.!” The crew rushed a gurney out the automatic door to the car. As they opened the door the contractions were all too apparent: “Can’t. They’re. Wasn’t. Don’t. Ne’er. O’er….”

Southpaw Jones presents
Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:
Bill Clinton, the Mutable Man par excellence, evolved four times a day; he had a tactical and even recreational attitude toward personal change. But W. prides himself on his changelessness and regards his immutability as the surest sign of his virtue. Facing a map on fire, he sees any inkling of change as the slippery slope to failure. That’s what’s so frustrating about watching him deal — or not deal — with Iraq and Lebanon. There’s almost nothing to watch. It’s not even like watching paint dry, since that, too, is a passage from one state to another. It’s like watching dry paint.
Maureen Dowd

Southpaw Jones presents
Fool Around Friday
Silly games for silly times:
This one’s a bit gory, a bit scary, but inspired nonetheless. If you don’t like guns, graveyards, or relentless zombie silhouettes, you should probably skip this one. For the full-size version, click here.

Thank you, come again!
www.southpawjones.net
©2006 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.