Southpaw Jones

Southpaw Jones presents
First Lines
Introductions to classic works I will never finish:

It was the first day of winter. Not the first day according to calendars or meteorologists or almanacs, but the first day that Martha really felt it. “It’s gonna be cold for a good long while,” she thought as she licked her chapped lips with her twice-pierced tongue. The first piercing was a mystery, the second an attempt at regaining some modicum of control.

She drove stop-and-go from work while listening to NPR. The reader reported matter-of-fact-ly on Richard Branson and Stephen Hawking, who had recently teamed-up to explore and populate the far reaches of space. “The powerhouse twosome is looking for two lucky and fertile women to take with them,” the story proceeded. “They have randomly placed ten golden tickets in the glove compartments of used cars throughout the States. Their belief is that God should choose the finalists, while a committee of college deans gets final say.”

Martha had bought her 4-door sedan two weeks ago, and though she detailed it with a tooth brush and baby wipes, she had never explored the glove compartment. She was second in line at a notoriously long red light when she reached over to learn her fate. Earthbound and bored or Space Mother of the Future.

She did not find a golden ticket. She found three human teeth and a map of Tuscany.

When she arrived at the apartment, she immediately told her husband about her odd discovery. Not one to be outdone, he responded, “Well, I found a mockingbird nest and an albino’s passport in the Subaru. Did you know there’s a new Beatles record?”

Southpaw Jones presents
If I Had a Million Dollars
Unnecessary products that inexplicably tempt me:

PLAY-DOH COLOGNE SPRAY

Southpaw Jones presents
iPawed [Original]
Pound for pound, the best sounds around. For free!

SOUTHPAW’S 10 DAYS OF XMAS! FREE MP3s of my 10 “Greatest Hits,” available for a limited time. Get ‘em and share ‘em while you can!

It ain’t easy bein’ white. Another from The Southpaw Jones Starter Kit, a song for my father, and an exploration of liberal guilt.

White Boy Blues

Southpaw Jones presents
Paw Prints
Pics of Southpaw, his environ, and his interweb:

Don’t get a Hummer. Get an education!

Southpaw Jones presents
Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:
Oh, is that that show where all those hipster know-it-alls talk about how fascinating ordinary people are?
Summer, of The O.C., in a pointed zing at NPR’s This American Life

Thank you, come again!



www.southpawjones.com
www.southpawjones.net
www.myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2006 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

I’m plum tuckered out from composing a nation-wide e-mail this morning, so I’m gonna reprint it here. Sorry if you’re seeing it twice. If you’re seeing it for the first time, you may not be on my mailing list! For shame! Feel free to join using the small form on the left. Don’t worry, I won’t bother you too much. Unless you live in Austin…
Rear-End Update

Well, Year-End Update, actually. My rear end is doin’ fine, if you must know. Hello, friends from all over! I hope your 2006 is a strong closer. Here’s what I know from my life on-the-go, ho, ho, ho:

*AUSTIN shows Wednesday & Friday!
*Southpaw’s 10 Days of Xmas at southpawjones.net!
*Bedroom Demos Vol. 1 continues to blow minds!
*New recordings haunt the internets!
*All manner of new Southpaw items at cafepress.com!

That’s right, Austinites, TONIGHT I return to Cafe Mundi with two wonderful guests, Lee Barber and Seela. Come get a warm drink while we watch the cold front arrive. FRIDAY, I’ll return to Cafe Caffeine for a showcase event hosted by Sofia Grey. Learn all about it at http://southpawjones.com/shows.html, and mark your calendars for a BAND show at Flipnotics on Thursday, 12/14.

I’m having a blast publishing The Southpaw Jones Fun Time Gazette at http://southpawjones.net. If you haven’t checked it out, now is the time. It’s FIVE chunks of fun, FIVE times a week, and perfect for folks with routines like me. Today, even though it’s still November, I’m beginning SOUTHPAW’S 10 DAYS OF XMAS! For the next ten weekdays on the Gazette, I’ll be releasing MP3s of my 10 “Greatest Hits” for lack of better words. If you’re not up on your Southpaw history, now is your chance to start a fine MP3 collection. Tell your friends!

It’s just about unanimous in the Austin press: Critics love BEDROOM DEMOS VOL. 1: ZERO DEMAND. Following fine reviews in the Austin American-Statesman and INsite Magazine, Jim Caligiuri of the AUSTIN CHRONICLE had this to say: “Austin has its share of quirky in all art forms, but when it comes to folksingers, nobody keeps the town weirder than Southpaw Jones…only Jones writes of pop culture, politics, and that thing called love in a manner that’s painfully clever, clear, and truly laugh-out-loud funny…his talent for bold honesty, quick-witted wordplay, and innocent yet ear-catching melodies has grown into a monster that can no longer be ignored.” If you don’t have a copy, grab one up at iTunes or my online store, http://southpawjones.com/store.html. Those SPJ CDs make great gifts, don’t ya know!

Ok, let’s see, I recorded a song called THE GREAT PUMPKIN SOUP for the Soup Peddler (http://souppeddler.com) here in Austin. You can hear it on MySpace: http://myspace.com/southpawjones

Also on MySpace is the new song MOMENTUM, which I recorded for my darlin’s birthday. It’s about love and stuff. For that same occasion, I recorded a cover of Bob Dylan’s GIRL FROM THE NORTH COUNTRY. You can download both at http://southpawjones.com/sounds.html.

Finally, I went crazy with designs, logos, and mottos for t-shirts recently. You can check out five different images and add them to many, many products at the following sites:
http://cafepress.com/southpawjones
http://cafepress.com/southpawjones2
http://cafepress.com/southpawjones3
http://cafepress.com/southpawjones4
http://cafepress.com/southpawjones5
Put a little Southpaw on your torso and on your coffee mug! It’s not something I make money on, but it helps promote my sites and sounds. Oh, and it’s fun for all.

Thanks so much for reading, and thanks for your support. It’s been a great 2006!

Southpaw
http://southpawjones.net
http://southpawjones.com
http://myspace.com/southpawjones
http://cafepress.com/southpawjones

Southpaw Jones presents
iPawed [Original]
Pound for pound, the best sounds around. For free!

SOUTHPAW’S 10 DAYS OF XMAS! FREE MP3s of my 10 “Greatest Hits,” available for a limited time. Get ‘em and share ‘em while you can!

We begin with fine oldie featuring a controversial drum machine and some dated lyrics.

Communist Girlfriend

Southpaw Jones presents
And Another Thing…
More verbosity with velocity and viscosity:

Another design option for all cafepress.com products. This one features simple black/white with bonus web site promotion! Click ‘em!

Southpaw Jones presents
Online Museum of the Week
www.texacollector.com/blotters.htm” target=new>TEXACO BLOTTERS:

Tom Lamb presents
Steely Dan’s Finest Works
The top ten songs in no particular order:

Thanks to Tom Lamb for his list of the 10 greatest Steely Dan songs. Here now is the list in its entirety. All songs are available on
.
Black Cow - it took me years to learn that you drink black cow

Peg - “It’s your favorite foreign movie”… WTF… huge chorus, huge harmony. Lots of Michael MacDonald.

Reelin’ in The Years - my favorite guitar solo… ever

Hey Nineteen - the song that made me love Steely Dan

Bad Sneakers - the imagery of having a transistor in one hand and “a large sum” of money in the other makes me happy.

Rose Darling - the hottest Steely Dan w/ Michael MacDizzle ever

Chain Lightning - Steely Dan does the blues… with precision

Rikki Don’t Lose That Number - weirdest scale gotten away with in popular music, most recognizable intro to a song I can think of. Sweet ass key changing goodness. This might be the most perfect song on the face of the earth to me.

Any Major Dude Will Tell You - the truth my babies, the truth.

Deacon Blues - I have no idea how the Alabama Crimson Tide and Donald Fagen’s depression correlate… but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Thank you, come again!



www.southpawjones.com
www.southpawjones.net
www.myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2006 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Jim Gaffigan is one of my favorite comedians these days. His observational comedy, especially his coverage of food and appearance, is the best I’ve seen since one Jerry Seinfeld. You may know him from his Hot Pocket bit, or the fact that he often voices audience thoughts in a quiet, funny voice. Some quotes:
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don’t want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

Who came up with the robe? Was some guy just like, ‘Hey, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.’

When ever you are single, all you see are couples, but when ever you are in a couple, all you see are hookers.

Have you ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

Anysquarsh, I’ve listened to his CDs, watched him on TV, and quoted his shtick. Since my friend Cole introduced me to his work last year, I’ve hoped to see him live on stage. Well, wouldn’t you know it, he’s coming to Austin in February! Yay, right? Well, hold on, pardner. The tickets start at $36.75. That’s a bit of a sting, you ol’ slag. But wait, there’s a $6.50 service charge. Zoinks! AND a three dollar handling fee! Blam! So that’s $45.25 per ticket, if I score them in advance. But I can’t go alone to see one of my favorite comedians! It all boils down to a $90.50 date, before dinner, before drinks. See for yourself here. I swear to Grayskull, I am not a cheap man, but that number chills my indebted bones.

I had no choice. I had to send an e-mail to the only man who could help, Jim Gaffigan:
Mr. Gaffigan,

$40 for your show in Austin? I’m a struggling musician here! I could score one ticket, sure, but I want my girlfriend to see you, too. Do you have anyone on the guest list yet?

I’ll trade you a solid acoustic CD, I’ll promote the show on my blog/mailing list, and I’ll start the standing ovation, I promise. Thanks for all the gut laughs.

Obnoxious and poor,
Southpaw Jones

And he was gracious enough to write me back:
oh jeez wish i could but thanks for the guilt trip

So I’m just gonna have to plop down a Benjamin so my lady and I can see some pure comedic talent onstage. I suspect I won’t regret it a bit.

Southpaw Jones presents
And Another Thing…
More verbosity with velocity and viscosity:

Another design option for all cafepress.com products. This one features simple black/white with bonus web site promotion! Click ‘em!

Southpaw Jones presents
Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:
Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? All the rest of you, if you’ll just rattle your jewelry.
John Lennon

Southpaw Jones presents
Online Museum of the Week
www.texacollector.com/blotters.htm” target=new>TEXACO BLOTTERS:

Tom Lamb presents
Steely Dan’s Finest Works
The top ten songs in no particular order:

Deacon Blues - I have no idea how the Alabama Crimson Tide and Donald Fagen’s depression correlate… but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Check it out on .

Thank you, come again!



www.southpawjones.com
www.southpawjones.net
www.myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2006 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Hello, and happy Monday to you. It’s back to the ol’ hey-hey with the what not for the lot of us. I had a lovely four day weekend culminating in a motorcycle jump across the Grand Canyon. Very impressive ratings.

Nah, I went down to Houston to spend time with my mother and our extended family. Pretty standard, really. I could tell a story or two from the trip, but I’d rather share some advice from the DIY Network.

To remove bumper stickers, take a blow dryer and turn it to high. Heat the sticker and take an old credit card and start pushing the sticker up. Keep heating and pulling and it should come right up. The top layer of the sticker may come off first; if so, just do the same thing to the bottom layer.

I include this because, having driven to Houston in back, I saw a great many George W. Bush bumper stickers on the highway. Some simply say “W, The president,” recalling the great John Quincy Adams campaign, “Q, What of It Then?”

Anyway, I try not to be too political in my music and my Gazette. My attitude lately reads something like, “They’re all phychos.” But I still feel the bubblin’ crude of opinion inside me from time to time, and I can’t keep this one down: It’s over for George W. Bush. I don’t want to debate, I don’t want to be condescending, and I don’t want to list all the reasons why. Please just take off that sticker. It makes you look silly, and it makes me cringe.

W is a loser and a warmonger. His presidency has failed just like everything he’s ever tried in his life. At this point, sporting a W sticker is the same as displaying a Confederate flag. Do you really want to support a known historical LOSER publicly? I don’t understand why you would.

Forget Republican loyalty. The Republican party has (or had) some fine things to say. This is not about them.

Forget patriotism. Get an American flag sticker or a yellow ribbon magnet if that’s what you want to express.

Is it pride? All your friends have seen your W sticker, and they’ll notice if it disappears? Oh, big deal. You don’t want to admit a mistake? Then you haven’t learned the most important lesson of this disastrous presidency.

We all got a lemon. For two terms. Hey, even I liked the guy for a few days after 9/11. But it’s over now. Let’s just ride this thing out and hope for the best of the worst. Find a new horse’s rump to put your mouth on. Get that blow dryer out, baptize your SUV down at the warsh, and while you’re at it, take down that Cosmo Kramer poster, ya 90’s lovin’ honky.

Southpaw Jones presents
And Another Thing…
More verbosity with velocity and viscosity:

Hey, I have new merchandise available through cafepress.com, just in time for the Hollerdays! I’ll feature a new design each day this week. Why not start with my favorite, Superpaw? Click the pics to see the whole dang mall.

Spike Gillespie presents
Spaiku!
A look at her world / seventeen syllables and / three lines at a time:

How about a hand for Spike Gillespie? Her talent for haiku has been a fine component of the Gazette for weeks now, and I just published her final syllabically controlled chapter last week. If you enjoy her work like I do, send her an e-mail at spike@spikeg.com. I’m sure she’d appreciate the encouragement, and maybe she’ll make us some more! For now, though, here is her most recent collection presented once more without interruption. Thanks Spike!

my tire is flat
do i want herm to change it?
yes. no, wait. i don¹t.

i can change my own
damn tire! hear me roar, herm!
i don’t need no man

see, i used to have to
change my tires all the time
as a teenager

changing my tires
is something i do real good
it empowers me

empower? did i
just say empower? oh crap,
what next‹sting music?

actually i do
listen to sting’s new age gloop
in my nia class

nia? you ask me.
yes, nia. free “dance” for us
klutzy mid-life chicks

we leap-dance with our
inner children and colored
invisible scarves!

we are free! but it
costs us ten bucks per session
plus various pains

there is the pain of
getting caught. so i have a
nia class slogan

i say, “what happens
in nia, stays in nia.”
this pays off for me.

the other day a
man came to nia. i laughed.
then did something dumb.

because i can be
competitive, i “showed off”
did modified split

did you hear that POP?
well that was the sound of one
ligament snapping.

ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch
ouchity ouch ouch ouch ouch
god that was stupid.

bubbles likes to poop
in the house. herm doesn’t mind.
so i married him.

in fact, we married
thanks to bubbles’ indoor poop.
more than poop, really

i went out of town
to mexico. herm’s daughter
was watching bubbles.

bubbles missed me so
much that her poop was runny
and also bloody

herm called me and found
i was staying with his old
friends ed y brigit

to celebrate this
serendipitous moment
we fucked like bunnies

then we tied the knot
so that our prudish children
would quit their bitchin’

this plan did not work
they bitched louder still and chain
smoked at our wedding.

Southpaw Jones presents
Online Museum of the Week
www.texacollector.com/blotters.htm” target=new>TEXACO BLOTTERS:

Tom Lamb presents
Steely Dan’s Finest Works
The top ten songs in no particular order:

Any Major Dude Will Tell You - the truth my babies, the truth.

Check it out on .

Thank you, come again!



www.southpawjones.com
www.southpawjones.net
www.myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2006 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

I am taking the next two days off, my friends. I’ll be heading home to the area of Houston where astronauts supply oil from the moon. Please do come back Monday, and we’ll race down the hill to 2007 together! Before I go, here’s a grand and confusing list of…

Advice in the Year 2006 for Thanksgiving and/or Manx-Giving

1. If your family doesn’t drink or offer alcohol, you may need to start a food fight.

2. You’ll want to put the beast in a well-decorated box.

3. Don’t try to present it by grasping its non-tail, as it will surely scratch you and hop away.

4. Your high school crush will be at the local bar on Thanksgiving night. He/she will offer you sex for money and/or a religious conversion. Accept neither.

5. Tell the recipient to mind the arch in its back. Sensitive.

6. It’s perfectly alright to respond to “I love you” with “Why?”

7. Mashed potatoes are not to be joked about, only eaten with orgasmic glee.

8. Give it in the first year, and you can still call it a kitten.

9. You can always tell who’s winning a power struggle, ’cause they’ll say, “We have to stop this power struggle.”

10. Don’t ask me what I want for Christmas. I still don’t know.

Southpaw Jones presents
And Another Thing…
More verbosity with velocity and viscosity:

Now, seriously, here are some things for which I’m thankful:

The Southpaw Jones Fun Time Gazette and all its readers! I started it back in August, and it just gets more fun. Yesterday, we had a record number of visits: 235! I hope to get that number up to 1,000 next year.

My family. They make me feel like a cool, rebellious black sheep even though I’m a pretty boring, good kid. Bah! Bleat!

I’m thankful for my girlfriend, Maggie. I do my best Superman impression for everyone else, but she has to deal with my fat, four-eyed Clark Kent. God bless her. She’s a manx.

My friends, old and new. Back when popularity mattered in school, I couldn’t get a lick of it, but here in adulthood, I feel like I know a ton of great people. I’ve lived in four places, and I have trouble keeping up with everyone, but my best friends are the ones who warm me up within 5 minutes of reuniting. You know who you are. Thanks for existing, y’all.

My new job. Thanks to Tom and Zach for scoring that for me.

Wednesday nights at Café Mundi. Going on four years of weekly shows with Matt the Electrician, and we’re about to release our live CD to prove it! Woo!

My management team: Spike Gillespie and Bill Passalacqua. Combo Plate Booking. Living in South Austin, Barton Springs, my apartment, fellow artists, C-Dar Fevar, the Alamo Drafthouse, Flipnotics, Ruta Maya, Cactus Cafe, Anderson Fair, Netflix, chocolate, coffee, wine, breakfast tacos, rainless camping trips, the blogosphere, home hair clippers, harmonicas, chips & salsa, Garageband, cash money, the hive brain, long hot showers, They Might Be Giants, fingernails on the back of my neck, Stella, lava lamps, Mario Golf, kissing, and last but not least, SNACKS.

It’s a good life. Embarrassingly so. Happy Thanksgiving!

Southpaw Jones presents
Online Museum of the Week
www.texacollector.com/blotters.htm” target=new>TEXACO BLOTTERS:

Southpaw Jones presents
Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:
The Pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts. No Americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving.
H. U. Westermayer

Tom Lamb presents
Steely Dan’s Finest Works
The top ten songs in no particular order:

Rikki Don’t Lose That Number - weirdest scale gotten away with in popular music, most recognizable intro to a song I can think of. Sweet ass key changing goodness. This might be the most perfect song on the face of the earth to me.

Check it out on .

Thank you, come again!



www.southpawjones.com
www.southpawjones.net
www.myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2006 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.