Southpaw Jones

Archive for November 27th, 2006

Monday…moves…at…a…glacial…pace.

November 27, 2006 By: Southpaw Jones Category: Fiction, Interesting?

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Hello, and happy Monday to you. It’s back to the ol’ hey-hey with the what not for the lot of us. I had a lovely four day weekend culminating in a motorcycle jump across the Grand Canyon. Very impressive ratings.

Nah, I went down to Houston to spend time with my mother and our extended family. Pretty standard, really. I could tell a story or two from the trip, but I’d rather share some advice from the DIY Network.

To remove bumper stickers, take a blow dryer and turn it to high. Heat the sticker and take an old credit card and start pushing the sticker up. Keep heating and pulling and it should come right up. The top layer of the sticker may come off first; if so, just do the same thing to the bottom layer.

I include this because, having driven to Houston in back, I saw a great many George W. Bush bumper stickers on the highway. Some simply say “W, The president,” recalling the great John Quincy Adams campaign, “Q, What of It Then?”

Anyway, I try not to be too political in my music and my Gazette. My attitude lately reads something like, “They’re all phychos.” But I still feel the bubblin’ crude of opinion inside me from time to time, and I can’t keep this one down: It’s over for George W. Bush. I don’t want to debate, I don’t want to be condescending, and I don’t want to list all the reasons why. Please just take off that sticker. It makes you look silly, and it makes me cringe.

W is a loser and a warmonger. His presidency has failed just like everything he’s ever tried in his life. At this point, sporting a W sticker is the same as displaying a Confederate flag. Do you really want to support a known historical LOSER publicly? I don’t understand why you would.

Forget Republican loyalty. The Republican party has (or had) some fine things to say. This is not about them.

Forget patriotism. Get an American flag sticker or a yellow ribbon magnet if that’s what you want to express.

Is it pride? All your friends have seen your W sticker, and they’ll notice if it disappears? Oh, big deal. You don’t want to admit a mistake? Then you haven’t learned the most important lesson of this disastrous presidency.

We all got a lemon. For two terms. Hey, even I liked the guy for a few days after 9/11. But it’s over now. Let’s just ride this thing out and hope for the best of the worst. Find a new horse’s rump to put your mouth on. Get that blow dryer out, baptize your SUV down at the warsh, and while you’re at it, take down that Cosmo Kramer poster, ya 90’s lovin’ honky.

Southpaw Jones presents
And Another Thing…
More verbosity with velocity and viscosity:

Hey, I have new merchandise available through cafepress.com, just in time for the Hollerdays! I’ll feature a new design each day this week. Why not start with my favorite, Superpaw? Click the pics to see the whole dang mall.

Spike Gillespie presents
Spaiku!
A look at her world / seventeen syllables and / three lines at a time:

How about a hand for Spike Gillespie? Her talent for haiku has been a fine component of the Gazette for weeks now, and I just published her final syllabically controlled chapter last week. If you enjoy her work like I do, send her an e-mail at spike@spikeg.com. I’m sure she’d appreciate the encouragement, and maybe she’ll make us some more! For now, though, here is her most recent collection presented once more without interruption. Thanks Spike!

my tire is flat
do i want herm to change it?
yes. no, wait. i don¹t.

i can change my own
damn tire! hear me roar, herm!
i don’t need no man

see, i used to have to
change my tires all the time
as a teenager

changing my tires
is something i do real good
it empowers me

empower? did i
just say empower? oh crap,
what next‹sting music?

actually i do
listen to sting’s new age gloop
in my nia class

nia? you ask me.
yes, nia. free “dance” for us
klutzy mid-life chicks

we leap-dance with our
inner children and colored
invisible scarves!

we are free! but it
costs us ten bucks per session
plus various pains

there is the pain of
getting caught. so i have a
nia class slogan

i say, “what happens
in nia, stays in nia.”
this pays off for me.

the other day a
man came to nia. i laughed.
then did something dumb.

because i can be
competitive, i “showed off”
did modified split

did you hear that POP?
well that was the sound of one
ligament snapping.

ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch
ouchity ouch ouch ouch ouch
god that was stupid.

bubbles likes to poop
in the house. herm doesn’t mind.
so i married him.

in fact, we married
thanks to bubbles’ indoor poop.
more than poop, really

i went out of town
to mexico. herm’s daughter
was watching bubbles.

bubbles missed me so
much that her poop was runny
and also bloody

herm called me and found
i was staying with his old
friends ed y brigit

to celebrate this
serendipitous moment
we fucked like bunnies

then we tied the knot
so that our prudish children
would quit their bitchin’

this plan did not work
they bitched louder still and chain
smoked at our wedding.