Southpaw Jones

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

I don’t want to make light of what is probably a horrible, career-ending situation, but I just don’t completely trust this Michael “Kramer” Richards thing. He went on a nasty, racist rant Friday night, and then he apologized on the Letterman show last night. It’s all over the news, duh.

I’m not a huge fan of the guy, and I don’t really know what purpose it could serve to orchestrate such madness, but part of me can’t believe that such a perfectionist could really lose control to that degree in a public setting.

This is the guy who would crouch in a corner working out facial expressions and body movements while the rest of the Seinfeld cast was sitting around enjoying themselves. He would get impatient when they ruined takes by laughing. He knows his body, his brain, his mouth, and how all actions may be perceived.

Ok, it could be drugs, alcohol, or a pure mental breakdown. But for the sake of Turkey Week blogging, let me list a few reasons I doubt the reality of the situation:

1. Richards goes way back to the original days of “dangerous” comedy. He partnered with Andy Kaufman on at least one major prank (see below) that had people talking for decades. He admired Kaufman who ”was out to fool everyone, and most everything was fixed.”

2. David Letterman has long been a host for deep, dark pranksters like Andy Kaufman. Kaufman appeared on his morning show and his late night show many times, including the famous incident with pro-wrestler Jerry Lawler.

3. Michael Richards is no stranger to pressure, from stand-up to improv to live TV. I do not buy the excuse that he lost it due to inexperience.

4. There is a whole new generation of “dangerous” comics like Sacha Baron Cohen and Johnny Knoxville. Part of me wonders if the old guard like Richards and Letterman are out to show who the kings are. The O.G.s, if you will.

5. The original incident smells fishy to me. The convenient placement and shakiness of the camera, the sight of a blurry man awkwardly “losing it” on stage. It’s a train wreck you can’t take your eyes off of. When was the last time you couldn’t take your eyes off Michael Richards?

6. The man in the crowd yells out, “”It’s not funny. That’s why you’re a reject, never had no shows, never had no movies. `Seinfeld,’ that’s it.” That’s a pretty clear, thought-out assessment from an upset heckler. It’s almost Shakespearean.

7. I felt like I was watching a strange, uncomfortable Andy Kaufman sketch last night. Why was Seinfeld scheduled to be on Letterman Monday night? Why did he allow Richards to take some of his interview time for a very awkward apology? WHY ON EARTH would Richards choose the Letterman show to do something like that, then say, “I don’t even know if this is the right place…” And absolutely no public statement until the Letterman show? Everybody knows you don’t wait to apologize! Everyone except John Kerry, of course.

8. Seinfeld says at one point, “Stop laughing. It’s not funny.” Kaufman appeared on Letterman in a neck brace years ago to say, “I don’t know why you’re laughing. I’m not trying to be funny.”

9. Richards has been in show business all his life, and he goes on Letterman THREE DAYS after the incident without a prepared statement or any clear thoughts? Via satellite with a depressing, drab background? Using the word “Afro-American” over and over when EVERYONE knows it is a dated term? It’s strange.

10. I refer to the Number One Rule of Professional Wrestling (of which Letterman was a childhood fan): If it happens on-screen, it’s a work.

It’s all too much for me, even if my doubt is silly and unreasonable. Of course, this all begs the question, “What is funny about what happened?” Well, what’s funny about an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm? What’s funny about Gary Busey? Or Joan Rivers? Failure, folly, and falling are the foundations of comedy, after all. Perhaps I’m in denial that a great comedian from a great generation of comedians could fall so fast and so thoroughly. But if we soon see a “reality” show called Michael Richards: Prat Fall from Grace, I’ll know I’m right.

I don’t want to believe that Richards lost it. I don’t want to believe that Letterman has mellowed. And I think Seinfeld might be bored enough to take part in something like this. If nothing else, all this conspiracy theory makes me want to get out my Andy Kaufman tapes…thenk you veddy much.

Southpaw Jones presents
And Another Thing…
More verbosity with velocity and viscosity:

Here’s a chunk of a Speaking Freely interview from the First Amendment Center, Ken Paulson speaking with Michael Richards, Feb. 28, 2002:

Paulson: One of the themes of the show is freedom of speech and freedom of expression, and you were on a show that pushed some envelopes in the late ’70s called “Fridays. Saturday Night Live” certainly was a ground-breaking show, and then ABC brought on “Fridays” …

Richards: Yes.

Paulson: As a rival trying to do things —

Richards: Well, they were produced by the same people, actually, but they wanted the West Coast version.

Paulson: I see, and what was the West Coast version?

Richards: Well, that was it, “Fridays.” It really didn’t take, although we were on the air for nearly three years. But it wasn’t as popular as “Saturday Night Live.” There were a few characters I did on the show that became popular. Those were characters that I developed out of my stand-up act.

Paulson: Of blowing things up.

Richards: I think it was battle boy burning army men. I used to burn army men onstage, something we did as kids, burning little toy soldiers, and then — then I played kind of a lounge guy who went and talked to the girls but never got very far without spilling a drink on them or making a fool out of himself.

Paulson: And it’s easy to forget that was really a new kind of comedy at the time. I mean, it was — it was about breaking down barriers. There was political satire. There was drug humor.

Richards: Well, the biggest barrier that went down was the sketch we developed with Andy Kaufman on “Fridays.” That’s when we broke the fourth wall. And America thought that he had, indeed, broken out of a sketch because he didn’t want to do it.

Paulson: Yeah, could you set that up for us? Because a lot of us have heard about it, but I actually wasn’t aware that, you know, the cast was misled. There’s lots of different stories. What’s the truth about —

Richards: There aren’t many people who knew about it.

Paulson: OK, but people were in on it. Andy Kaufman came in.

Richards: Yeah, and in the movie, “Man in the Moon,” that’s not correct. That’s not how it happened because the network didn’t really know about it either. No one, as a matter of fact, knew about it, except Jack Burns, myself, Andy, and one of the other producers, John Moffet. The cast did not know.

Paulson: So at one point, Andy Kaufman appears to lose interest in the skit and gets irritated —

Richards: And says he doesn’t want to do the sketch and leaves the other actors hanging out. And then they open, and we’re live on television. And Andy didn’t want to do the sketch because he felt there was some material in it about drugs, and he didn’t want to do anything that had anything to do about drugs. So I got up and threw the — and got the cue cards and threw them in front of him, and he tossed water on me. And then Jack Burns, who was in on it, made a rush for Andy. Then Andy got physical with Jack, and then I’m calling out, “Cut to commercial. Cut to commercial.” And a couple of crew guys went up to get Andy, who was on top of Jack. And they thought that Andy was really out to do some harm.

Paulson: So how long did it take before the rest of the cast got it?

Richards: We kept the lid on that for a couple — for — actually, for a while, a number of days, until Andy came back on the show a week — I think it was two weeks later. And now he was hooked up with a woman that he had met who had gotten him to become a reborn Christian, and he was singing Christian songs and atoning for what he had done two weeks earlier on our show.

Paulson: So what do you make of Andy Kaufman’s approach to —

Richards: But America hated him. The letters came pouring in.

Paulson: Yeah, they did.

Richards: And everyone was out to kill Andy.

Paulson: He must have trusted you to let you in on it or to make you a member of the — of the skit. Did Jack Burns approach you, or did Andy Kaufman come to you?

Richards: No, we came up with it together.

Paulson: Oh, really?

Richards: We were tossing it about, yeah, ’cause Andy wanted to do something interesting.

Paulson: He always did something interesting.

Richards: Yeah, to fool. He was the great trickster.

Paulson: And from that —

Richards: Speaking quite freely, he did, indeed, you know, fool everyone, because you’re not supposed to do those kinds of things on television.

Paulson: So what was your take on “Man in the Moon” overall? Was that 90% right, based on what you knew?

Richards: 90? Yeah. I can’t say. I know too many people associated with it. I mean, I think it could’ve been more accurate, but then, on the other hand, there’s much in it that’s — it’s useful if you understand the — the premise, Andy’s premise as a comic. He was out to fool everyone, and most everything was fixed.

Southpaw Jones presents
Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:
Pure entertainment is not an egotistical lady singing boring songs onstage for two hours and people in tuxes clapping whether they like it or not. It’s the real performers on the street who can hold people’s attention and keep them from walking away.
Andy Kaufman

Southpaw Jones presents
Paw Prints
Pics of Southpaw, his environ, and his interweb:

The super-sexy Radial Engine:

Tom Lamb presents
Steely Dan’s Finest Works
The top ten songs in no particular order:

Chain Lightning - Steely Dan does the blues… with precision.

Check it out on .

Thank you, come again!
www.southpawjones.com
www.southpawjones.net
www.myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2006 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Yes, it’s a Monday, but Monday of a three-day-week. I’ll have Thursday off for eating and Friday off for shopping. What a country! Today, I’m resurrecting a piece of work I put together years ago. It’s called…

Lenny Kravitz Vs. The Children of America

Let’s face it, friends, Mr. Lenny Krapvitz is nothing more than a shoddy Bob John Marley Lennon composite who fills a hole in the marketplace because Julian and Ziggy couldn’t cut the mustard. Lenny has about as much true depth as Christina Aguilera’s eye shadow, and if he were a real man, he would have married Vanessa Huxtable, not Denise.

Let’s look at a few fun facts you may
not know about ol’ Lenny:

–He is the only child of TV news producer Sy Kravitz and actress Roxie Roker.

–His parents belong to different races: rich and richer.

–After hearing the music of Prince, he began to call himself “Romeo Blue.”

–His parents encouraged his musical interest by escorting him to performances by Duke Ellington, Sarah Vaughan, James Brown, and the Jackson 5 before he was 11 years old.

–His father financed his attempts to get a record deal and the recording of his first album.

–His wife Lisa Bonet directed his first video.

Let’s get this straight: The only son of a famous TV star mother and a rich TV producer father, the first husband of a rich and famous actress, somehow became a rich and famous musician? HOLY STRAMBOLI, BIG SURPRISE!!! Then again, I’m sure I’m just jealous, and Lenny would have made it on talent alone regardless of his upbringing.

But because I’m jealous, I put together this little page pitting poor Lenny’s lyrics against the poetry of ordinary children from accross our fair country. You tell me which is more entertaining. And yes, I realize that Krapvitz focuses on grooves more than words, but I couldn’t find too many ordianary children with the resources to “lay down grooves” that Lenny had as a child. So the Lenny Grooves vs. Kid Grooves will have to be called a “no contest.” Having said that, here’s the verbage:

Round One begins with Lenny, from “You’re My Flavor”:

The way you love me
Is like a needle in my vein
When you’re not around me
You know it just don’t feel the same

The way you touch me
Somehow it takes away the pain
And now I’m a junkie
I’m running around without a brain

Now to the children. Tashina Lee, age 10, grade 3, from Alaska writes:

Dolphin

Very nice,
Very playful,
They are trustful,
They have a blowhole

I think the winner is obvious in the early stages. More from Romeo Blue now, with his sell-out hit “Fly Away,” currently providing a soundtrack for Nissan commercials and extra bulk in Lenny’s wallet.

I wish that I could fly
into the sky so very high
Just like a dragonfly
I’d fly above the trees
over the seas in all degrees
To anywhere I please…
Let’s go and see the stars
The Milky Way or even Mars
Where it could just be ours
Let’s fade into the sun
Let your spirit fly
Where we are one
Just for a little fun

Whew! That one could be tough to beat, kids…who’s up to the challenge? How about Rachel Gauger, age 13, grade 7, from McMinnville, TN:

THE LAW OF GRAVITY

ROBIN, ROBIN IN THE SKY
WHY DID YOU DO THAT IN MY EYE
GEE, I’M GLAD PIGS DON’T FLY!

Nice work, Rachel. Please, everyone, try to subdue your laughter as Lenny kicks off Round 3 with a section from “God is Love”:

And though much time has passed
His words and promises always last
And I am here to say
That He loves each one of us in every way

God is love
He makes the rain that makes the flowers
God is love
And so amazing are His powers
God is love
And if you are ready He’s gonna be ready for you

I’m sure God is flattered, he likes his chicken battered, Lenny. But can you match the stuff-I-found-around-the-room metaphors of Elizabeth Broadway, age 8, from Escondido, CA?

FEELINGS

When I am sad
I feel like a burned out lightbulb.
When I am happy
I feel like a marker that was just bought.
When I am tired
I feel like a pencil that just ran out of lead.
When I am lonely
I feel like a lost sock in a dark, empty corner.
When I am nervous
I feel like a ballerina on a tight rope.

That is pure !$#%@* poetry right there, and I type this with no sarcasm. Still, let’s give Lenny one more chance. Chew on this selection from “Come on and Love Me”:

Lay your body next to mine
You don’t have to take off all your clothes ooh
But if the only thing you take off is your mind
You and I gonna have a real good time
Oh you and I can’t wait for that too long
Oh come on and love me
Come on and love me

I think that about sums it up. If only I could take off my mind, I could have a real good time with the music of Lenny Kravitz. Oh, well, this thing is over, but let’s go ahead and hear from Kathryn Queen, age 9, from Escondido, CA:

HEARTS

Hearts give out love
As they walk through your body.
They swiftly fly on doves
To be in time to greet company.
They pump all day on bicycles
To keep you alive so you won’t die.

And Kravitz takes one more blow to the head for the KO in Round 4 of this exhibition! That’s too bad. How does is feel to be leveled by a nine-year-old, Lenny?

Look, I’m not saying that the guy is worthless, really. It just seems to me that anyone with half a brain, Lenny’s convenient upbringing, and his family’s resources could pump out something like “Are You Gonna Go My Way” with ease. Am I wrong?

There is a difference between simplicity and simplemindedness, and that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Southpaw Jones presents
Online Museum of the Week
www.texacollector.com/blotters.htm” target=new>TEXACO BLOTTERS:

Spike Gillespie presents
Spaiku!
A look at her world / seventeen syllables and / three lines at a time:

this plan did not work
they bitched louder still and chain
smoked at our wedding.

Tom Lamb presents
Steely Dan’s Finest Works
The top ten songs in no particular order:

Rose Darling - the hottest Steely Dan w/ Michael MacDizzle ever

Check it out on .

Southpaw Jones presents
Paw Prints
Pics of Southpaw, his environ, and his interweb:

Southpawrk Jones

Thank you, come again!
www.southpawjones.com
www.southpawjones.net
www.myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2006 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Happy FRIDAY to all! We made it! There was a time, I dunno, let’s say around MONDAY when I thought it would never happen, but here we are. Show some teeth to your monitor. The weekend has arrived.

Let’s start today with an oh-so-tempting message I found on the guestbook of southpawjones.com. It’s a fine web site that I wholeheartedly endorse.

Hi. My name is Elise. I’m very sexy girl with big boobs Have a photo if you want. In panties)) I am from Russia, sorry for my english. But… I cant find REALLY smart man. Where are you, Smarty Man??? I want to find you!!! I have webcam, we can talk online. But I nebie in the internet, so can have a problems…Thanks…

Do I really come off like such a nerd that I would fall for SPAM like this? “Ooo, a busty Russian girl likes smart men and needs me to show her how to avoid a problems on the internet!” Tell you what, Elise. Being the “smarty man” that I am, I have developed a series of compact discs that utilize the magic of music to teach English, reduce breast size, and discourage emoticon usage. I think you should buy them all.

What’s up with James Bond? The new 007 film comes out today, and I can’t think of ONE person in my life who looks forward to these things. Aren’t they just silly action movies with self-aware clichés, product placement, airbrushed actresses, and explosions?

NPR has done several stories about Bond this week as if anyone cares. They talk about the CHARACTER of Bond. Can this new guy pull off “the character”? Uh, he smirks, he winks, he drinks, he kisses, he’s cool, he’s slick, and he just might not succeed in the end. Sounds a lot like Southpaw Jones, but you don’t see people lining up for my 63rd movie.

Ah, but they say this Bond is different. Every time with the different! He’s gritty, he’s realistic, he gets tortured, blah, blah, blah. Here’s the different Bond I’ll go see: Elise Bond. She’s Russian, that’s a crazy twist! She’s got big boobs that she uses to smother terrorists. She’s got a spy camera and spy panties, and she’s desperately searching for a “Smarty Man.” A scientist, perhaps, who can help her dismantle a nuclear bomb, or build an anti-bomb which releases sex, flowers, and broken English upon unsuspecting villagers.

Southpaw Jones presents
Online Museum of the Week
MEN’S ADVENTURE MAGAZINE COVERS:

December 1963, REAL COMBAT

Spike Gillespie presents
Spaiku!
A look at her world / seventeen syllables and / three lines at a time:

then we tied the knot
so that our prudish children
would quit their bitchin’

Tom Lamb presents
Steely Dan’s Finest Works
The top ten songs in no particular order:

Bad Sneakers - the imagery of having a transistor in one hand and “a large sum” of money in the other makes me happy.

Check it out on .

Southpaw Jones presents
Fool Around Friday
Silly games for silly times:

Thank you, come again!
www.southpawjones.com
www.southpawjones.net
www.myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2006 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Good times at Café Mundi last night. Wintertime is my favorite for that fine weekly tradition. Folks lookin’ good, drinking coffee, playing inside without a PA. It’s one of the more unique live music experiences in Austin, and I’m proud to be a part of it.

I just about shaved my head on Tuesday. I didn’t use a razor, but I took the guard off my clippers, so there’s not much hair to speak of up there. Frankly, I just don’t like hair. It reminds me of death and fingernails and carpet and the 70s, all things that don’t exactly fill my heart with glee. But it was a drastic personal move, even though I haven’t had long hair in years. People react in different ways, and if nothing else, I have found it to be a fine sociological experiment.

Men respond with apathy, humor, or vague envy, as if to say, “Ooo, that looks silly. I’ve been meaning to do that. Simplify my life above-the-shoulders life.”

Women, on the other hand, act as if I have chomped my thumb at all it means to be decent and human. After all, how are they going to grab onto me sternly when I get out of line? By my ears?

Women who know me well and assume that I’m strong simply laugh in my face for a few minutes straight. Those who aren’t so comfortable tell me it looks “interesting” and/or “different,” then snicker behind my back.

I look in the mirror, and I like it. I may never do it again, but hairlessness represents purity, punk, simplicity, and a disregard for all things shallow. No, I don’t think Natalie Portman is a great actress, but yes, I found her attractive in V for Vendetta. Perhaps I have a phrenology fetish. Perhaps I come from the future, where hair is recognized as the silly, involuntary accessory it really is. Scalp hair joins sullen faces, cubicles, and unchecked horniness as the final leftovers of our monkey heritage. Let’s all evolve and shave it off. Preferably in the spring. Or December 12, 2012.

Southpaw Jones presents
Online Museum of the Week
MEN’S ADVENTURE MAGAZINE COVERS:

March 1956, MAN’S LIFE

Spike Gillespie presents
Spaiku!
A look at her world / seventeen syllables and / three lines at a time:

to celebrate this
serendipitous moment
we fucked like bunnies

Southpaw Jones presents
Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson

Tom Lamb presents
Steely Dan’s Finest Works
The top ten songs in no particular order:

Hey Nineteen - the song that made me love Steely Dan

Check it out on .

Thank you, come again!
www.southpawjones.com
www.southpawjones.net
www.myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2006 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Southpaw Jones presents
Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:
I believe the most solemn duty of the American president is to protect the American people.
George W. Bush

According to our new arrival
Life is more than mere survival
We just might live the good life yet.
Theme from Mr. Belvedere

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Tonight, Matt the Electrician and I return to Café Mundi after a successful one-night tour of Houston. Austinites unite! And come on down…8 pm.

The election last week resulted in much merriment and renewed confidence in our system. Come January, I’ll be interested to see what real-life positive changes will come of it. My hope is that our government and its citizens will begin to focus on more than “mere survival.”

The theme of the Bush administration, at least since 9/11, has been, “We’re gonna keep you alive at all cost.” Under the dark cloud of terrorism, it was and is hard to imagine putting energy toward health care, wages, employment, or the environment. After all, “they” could come wipe us out at anytime.

Republicans used to stand for all that is aggressive and tough, and that has helped keep them in power. But wouldn’t it be tough and impressive and truly American to say, “Not only are we going to defeat terrorism. We will continue to improve the lives of our citizens while we do it!” Last time I checked, our inalienable rights included liberty and the pursuit of happiness along with plain, old, generic life.

There’s life, and there’s life worth living, and those are two very different thing-a-ma-bobs. I will not live in a reinforced cage if it insures my survival. I will not live under marshal law if it makes me safe. It’s time for someone in government to bring back the idea of a THRIVING America, not just an EXISTING America.

Without true freedom, progressive thinking, and accomplishment that spits on previous successes, America is just like Terri Schiavo, God bless her. Watered. Fed. Asleep. The whole world waiting for us to wake up and be SPECIAL again.

Spike Gillespie presents
Spaiku!
A look at her world / seventeen syllables and / three lines at a time:

herm called me and found
i was staying with his old
friends ed y brigit

Southpaw Jones presents
Online Museum of the Week
MEN’S ADVENTURE MAGAZINE COVERS:

September 1964, NEW MAN

Tom Lamb presents
Steely Dan’s Finest Works
The top ten songs in no particular order:

Reelin’ in The Years - my favorite guitar solo… ever

Check it out on .

Thank you, come again!
www.southpawjones.com
www.southpawjones.net
www.myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2006 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.