Southpaw Jones

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

It’s time for me to be honest with you all. Honest with myself.

I just may not be a book reader.

I’m certainly a book owner.
I even like to think of myself as a book lover!
I love bookstores.
I love authors.
I love words.

So what’s the problem?

I don’t admit this with any anti-intellectual pride, mind you. I am not a NASCAR-watching, Paris-Hilton-admiring, Maxim subscriber. This is a source of embarrassment and confusion for me, and I hope that by discussing it with the eight people who read the Gazette, I can either remedy it or at least become comfortable with it.

I read maybe two books a year, three if there’s a Harry Potter release. Those Potter books are the only ones I “can’t put down.” But as great as they are, I think it has less to do with pure interest, and more to do with getting to the end before some third-grader can spoil it for me in the grocery store.

Perhaps a list will make me feel better. Yes, a list of reasons I struggle with books.

1. Books don’t have enough cool lists.

2. I despise elaboration, and books are filled with the stuff. I wish they’d just say something once, and let me flesh out the ideas myself. Me, me, me!

3. I despise description, and books are filled with the stuff. Indeed, Jane Eyre may have damaged my love of reading for life. There’s two people in a room. That’s all I need. What are they saying? What are they thinking? What are they doing? Tell me! If I cared about lamp shades, I would peruse and IKEA catalogue.

4. It takes me five hours to read a book, and it only scores me five minutes of conversational tidbits at a cocktail party.

5. There’s that dang Internet over there, silly book! I could read you to learn some stuff about one thing, or I could leap from article to article to blog entry to review, like a gazelle foraging for information in the great meadow of knowledge.

6. I like the idea of reading before bed, but it’s so fun to listen to Coast to Coast on AM radio! Just last night, I heard that someone in the Middle East thinks they have possession of Jesus’s foreskin! Fabulous.

7. I do have a short attention sp…what does number 8 say, I wonder?

8. I think I’m still in backlash mode from required reading in high school and college. You know, I remember thoughts like, “If I ever get out of here, I’ll show them! I’m never, ever gonna read another piece of literature as long as I live!” It’s hard to break promises I made to my younger, angrier self.

9. I guess, honestly, I don’t see much difference in quality between people who read a lot and people who don’t.

10. I’m a slow reader, and I’m a paranoid reader. If my mind starts to wander while reading, I’ll back up really far and read it all again. And I’m often afraid I’ve skipped pages on a turn, so I’ll flip the corner back to make sure…a couple of times. It’s pathetic.

So that’s my story. I really want to read Freakonomics. I want to read The Denial of Death. I want to be That Guy. But the time and motivation just may not be there. And in the end, I’d rather be thinking, daydreaming, and brainstorming than absorbing someone else’s thoughts. After all, I’ve got a Fun Time Gazette to publish.

Southpaw Jones presents
And Another Thing…
More verbosity with velocity and viscosity:

Now that we’ve seen the Great Ice Storm of 2007, followed by the Great Thaw of 2007, Matt the Electrician and I are ready to return to Cafe Mundi tonight! Austinites, escape the rain and the cold, grab a hot, stimulating beverage, and listen to songs that appeal to you so specifically, you’ll think we’ve been going through your garbage.

Wednesday, January 24th, 2007
8:00 PM
Cafe Mundi
1704 E. 5th St
Austin, TX
512-236-8634

Southpaw Jones presents
Online Museum of the Week
The World’s Stupidest Tattoos:

Bill Passalacqua presents
I am not a smoker…
One man’s reasons for not lighting up in ‘07:

…because I can’t be bothered.

So far I have saved $103.50

Jan. 23rd, 2007

Herman Bennett presents
Plumb, Plumber, Plumbest
Signs of the times from Austin’s singing Jewish plumber:

Thank you, come again!
www.southpawjones.com
www.southpawjones.net
www.myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Well, I’ve got a touch of the blahs this morning, and I don’t have anything exciting to write about. I cooked a salmon fillet, drank red wine, and watched network TV all by my lonesome last night. Hello, late twenties.

But there’s always something out there for us weekday bloggers, an annual tradition that soothes a war-weary nation, some silly miracle that demands attention by its sheer worthlessness. That’s right, the Oscar nominations are out! Praise be to Hollywood!

Let’s begin our day-of analysis with Best Picture nominees:

“Babel”
Didn’t see it. Heard it was sadistic. Probably make me feel sad, even though it has the word “babe” hidden in it.

“The Departed”
Saw it. Enjoyed it, sort of. I sat between my friend Zach, who often laughed at the ultra-violence, and my girlfriend Maggie, who noticeably cringed every time someone got shot in the head. I don’t think I’m spoiling anything when I say there was a lot of laughing and cringing, which made for a wild roller coaster of a theater experience. However, the movie is most definitely not for everyone, it’s a little silly and excessive, and it shouldn’t win. Best Director, sure.

“Letters From Iwo Jima”
Didn’t see it. Seems too soon to be making movies about World War II. Show a little restraint, Eastwood.

“Little Miss Sunshine”
Great, funny, endearing movie. Saw it, enjoyed it. Yeah, yeah, the Academy traditionally doesn’t like comedies, but I do. Since Borat is not nominated, this is my pick.

“The Queen”
Didn’t see it. If I want to spend two hours watching power-hungry, paranoid inbreds, I’ll rent Deliverance.

Best Actor
Leonardo DiCaprio, “Blood Diamond”
Ryan Gosling, “Half Nelson”
Peter O’Toole, “Venus”
Will Smith, “The Pursuit of Happyness”
Forest Whitaker, “The Last King of Scotland”

Wow, I didn’t see any of these. Where am I? Who are you people? Let’s give it to Will Smith, who has yanked at my emotions since he got in one little fight, and his mom got scared. Who can’t relate?

Best Actress
Penelope Cruz, “Volver”;
Judi Dench, “Notes on a Scandal”;
Helen Mirren, “The Queen”;
Meryl Streep, “The Devil Wears Prada”;
Kate Winslet, “Little Children.”

Uh, ok, I saw “The Devil Wears Prada.” So what? It was a date! You got a problem? You wanna get up in my grill? You know where to find me. Meryl Streep wins the Pawscer for pursing her lips just so.

What else? Supporting? Blech. Director? Blech. Best Animated Short Film? Well, “No Time For Nuts,” of course. [Haven’t seen it.]

All in all, not that great a year for cinema in my opinion. And the Pawscer for Best Opinion goes to…Southpaw Jones!

“I’d like to thank L. Ron and my mother. I like to think I share this award with everyone who has some sense of likes and dislikes. Free Libby!”

Southpaw Jones presents
Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:
“Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while, a great wind carries me across the sky.”
Ojibwe saying

This bit of wisdom is one of many great aspects of The Sopranos Season 6. Watch it!

Bill Passalacqua presents
I am not a smoker…
One man’s reasons for not lighting up in ‘07:

…because I don’t ever even think about smoking anymore. Seriously, the only time I think about having a cigarette is when I’m sitting outside, waiting for someone. And how often does that happen???

So far I have saved $99.

Jan. 22nd, 2007

Southpaw Jones presents
Online Museum of the Week
The World’s Stupidest Tattoos:

Michael Laser presents
dont B a h8r
A list of quick text messages for the not-so-young generation:

Excerpts from an latimes.com article, December 25, 2006. MICHAEL LASER is the author of the novel “Dark & Light: A Love Story.”

BELATEDLY, I’VE LEARNED that LOL means Laughing Out Loud, and POS means Parent Over Shoulder (i.e., change the subject, fast). Young people invented this shorthand for e-mail and instant messaging, and you can hear their attitudes and concerns in it — for example, DYHABF (Do You Have A Boyfriend?), W/E (Whatever) and UW (You Wish).

I haven’t been 20 for a long time now, and my thoughts don’t always lend themselves to electronic communication; but they’re common enough to deserve concise acronyms of their own. So feel free to use any of these abbreviations as needed:

Middle-aged Zen

MKDKWAPI: My Kids Don’t Know Who Al Pacino Is

TCLTM: Teenage Cashiers Look Through Me

SIH->NM: The School I Hated Has Become a Nostalgic Memory

JL40WD (WHUA): John Lennon Was 40 When He Died. (What Have You Accomplished?)

ROTFC9: Rolling On The Floor, Call 911

Thank you, come again!
www.southpawjones.com
www.southpawjones.net
www.myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Good morning. It’s Monday, which means a lot of grunting, groaning, grinding, grousing, and an update of the Southpaw Jones 2007 Excursion Des Pieds, wherein the miles I run locally allow me to explore the world virtually.

This third week of the year was plagued by a massive ice storm, which kept me away from the gym and unfortunately, off my feet. I was able to squeeze in 20.7 miles, though, which gives me the following breakdown:

Week 1: 30 miles to Taylor, Texas
Week 2: 27 miles to Rockdale, Texas
Week 3: 20.7 miles to…drum roll..wait for it…

CALDWELL, TEXAS!

That’s right, Caldwell, Tx, home of the Burleson County Courthouse and 3,449 people. It’s the birthplace of Justin Loewe, who played hoops for the nearby Texas A&M University.

It was named for Matthew Caldwell, the “Paul Revere of the Texas Revolution” and a signer of the Texas Declaration of Independence.

Also, and this may be the most important point, Caldwell is the Kolache Capital of Texas! My virtual self enjoyed dozens of these fruity pastries during my visit, and they shall provide me with energy and joy for week four.

Before I lace up my running shoes, I’ll leave you with this lovely quilt pattern for a mantel topping by Donna Bachmann of [you guessed it] Caldwell, Texas:

She calls it “Holiday Under the Stars.” Thanks to Donna and the rest of Caldwell for your hospitality!

Southpaw Jones presents
If I Had a Million Dollars
Unnecessary products that inexplicably tempt me:

A “Czech De-Light” - Kolache Shaped Candles
A Czech favorite, the kolache shaped candle comes in several flavors including, cherry, blueberry, poppy seed, pineapple and raspberry. The gifts can be purchased in combination of three candles on a 8″ tin for $15 donation or a single candle on a 4″ tin for $5 donation. Available at the Burleson County Chamber of Commerce.

Southpaw Jones presents
Online Museum of the Week
The World’s Stupidest Tattoos:

Bill Passalacqua presents
I am not a smoker…
One man’s reasons for not lighting up in ‘07:

…because I’m flying today and I remember the unpleasantness of being a smoker while flying: Extended periods without a fix; I always manage to lose my lighter in the name of national security; and IF they have a smoking room in the airport it’s full of smoke and smokey smokers!
So far I have saved $94.50.
Today marks three weeks without a cigarette!
Jan. 21, 2007

…because I want my heart to be strong.
So far I have saved $90!
Jan. 20th, 2007
Happy Birthday Tiffani!

Happy Birthday, Tiffani, indeed!

Michael Laser presents
dont B a h8r
A list of quick text messages for the not-so-young generation:

Excerpts from an latimes.com article, December 25, 2006. MICHAEL LASER is the author of the novel “Dark & Light: A Love Story.”

BELATEDLY, I’VE LEARNED that LOL means Laughing Out Loud, and POS means Parent Over Shoulder (i.e., change the subject, fast). Young people invented this shorthand for e-mail and instant messaging, and you can hear their attitudes and concerns in it — for example, DYHABF (Do You Have A Boyfriend?), W/E (Whatever) and UW (You Wish).

I haven’t been 20 for a long time now, and my thoughts don’t always lend themselves to electronic communication; but they’re common enough to deserve concise acronyms of their own. So feel free to use any of these abbreviations as needed:

Aging and memory loss

TMYNA: Tell Me Your Name Again

GU2P3XLN: Got Up To Pee 3 Times Last Night

WROMH: Where’s the Rest Of My Hair?

SMB/SWU: Stiff Morning Back/Struggling With Underwear

Thank you, come again!
www.southpawjones.com
www.southpawjones.net
www.myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

The weekend is here, my friends, and I don’t want to be all preachy, but I’ve discovered something recently. The easy, ultimate way to cheat life and swindle reality itself:

Action.
Doing.
Moving.

No, I’m not becoming Tony Robbins, Tom Robbins, or Baskin-Robbins. Just let me briefly explain. The American Heritage Dictionary defines the word “painter” thusly:

paint•er
n. One who paints, either as an artist or worker.

“One who paints.”
One who likes to paint?
“No, one who paints.”
One who is talented at painting?
“No, one who paints.”
One whose mother and father were painters?
“No, one who paints.”
One who has all those neat supplies and accessories from the art store?
“No, one who paints.”
One who is properly motivated to paint?
“No, one who paints.”
One whose friends paint?
“No, one who paints.”
One who has a good amount of free time to paint?
“No, one who paints.”

Know what I’m sayin’?

Are you a messy person? Well, you can keep that dirty little secret to yourself if you just get up, clean your place, and keep it clean forever. No one ever has to know. It sounds silly, but it’s true. What’s that? You say it goes against your nature? Shut up, ya big baby.

Are you a shy person? If you’re constantly talking to people, suddenly, you’re Eddie the Extrovert, even if it makes you cringe inside.

Are you burned out at your job? Start working it better and stronger, and you’ll be a good employee whether your heart is in it or not.

Have you hit a dry spell with your significant other or best friend? Buy them a present. Treat them like royalty. I don’t care how mad or bored or hurt you are. If you treat someone like you love them, well, dang it, you become a lover of them. And wouldn’t you know it, those feelings of love and warmth and goo you were waiting for? You might just find that the action of love creates them out of nowhere. It’s magically delicious.

We place a lot of garbage between ourselves and actually doing something, and I am among the worst offenders. I have extreme slacker tendencies, which is why I’m composing The Southpaw Jones Fun Time Gazette right now instead of advancing the ideals of American Money Team who pays me to wake up early in the morning.

However, I really think I’m on to something here. No matter what your life is like, and no matter if you’ve never done it before, when you paint, you are a painter. Simple as that.

When you run, you are a runner.
When you cook, you are a chef.
When you sing, you are a singer.
When you process financial planning commissions, you are a Financial Planning Commissions Processor.
When you write, you are a writer.

Do you have to enjoy it? No.
Do you have to “feel it”? No.

We are a spoiled nation, and we spend so much time building up to actual action. We take pride in our little idiosyncrasies that keep us from functioning. “I’m a bit of a procrastinator. Tee-hee.” There are entire industries built around the distance between “I should do ______.” and “I’m doing _____!” I say skip all the steps and preps. Start grabbing, walking, playing, digging, creating, cleaning, demanding, sorting, kicking, punching.

Motivation can come later if it comes at all.
Expertise can come later if it comes at all.
Enjoyment can come later if it comes at all.
Doers are those who do.
Simple pimple.

Get off your butt, Southpaw, you conservative-sounding blogger, you. It’s Friday!

Bill Passalacqua presents
I am not a smoker…
One man’s reasons for not lighting up in ‘07:

…because smoking is a gateway to “the dark side.”
So far I have saved $85.50.
Jan. 19, 2007

…because smoking would cause actuaries to bet against me.
So far I have saved $81.
Jan. 18th, 2007

Southpaw Jones presents
Online Museum of the Week
Presidential Doodles:

Benjamin Harrison

Southpaw Jones presents
Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:
The rhythm of the weekend, with its birth, its planned gaieties, and its announced end, followed the rhythm of life and was a substitute for it.
F. Scott Fitzgerald

Southpaw Jones presents
Fool Around Friday
Silly games for silly times:

Thank you, come again!
www.southpawjones.net
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Well, our glorious January Ice Miracle has come to an end, and I sit once again in my office chair at my office computer under office lights. But I must say, this freeze provided what Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s could not: rest and relaxation to the point of boredom/soul-searching. Thank you, Jack Frost!

While I’m catching up here at the office, I thought you might enjoy some Odd (But Quite Real) Searches That Led Folks to This Site in December! Who knows what these people were actually looking for, but I’m glad they found The Gazette.

1. Did Buddy Holly Ever Do Poop In His Pants
2. Where did southpaw begin
3. is monster or coffee more energizing
4. kay jewelers piano theme
5. rhyming words with presents
6. southpaw greatest hits baby got bible
7. PAW HUMBUG CARD
8. What is a word that rhymes with pedestal
9. airbrushed actresses
10. boring supermodel
11. famous colostomies
12. hipster deluxe
13. my braces
14. southpaw video games
15. when friends disappoint

Southpaw Jones presents
Online Museum of the Week
Presidential Doodles:

Rutherford B. Hayes

Southpaw Jones presents
Poetry that Rhymes
And flows. And builds a bridge. And inspires:

Two day week!
Whatcha gonna do?
Two day week!
Woo-dang-hoo!
Monday is often the worst,
But this week Thursday is first!
Friday is always so far,
But this time, tomorrow, it’s thar!
I started the week off today,
And tomorrow I’ll toss it away.
The ice allowed me to sleep in,
And the weekend will lull me again.

Southpaw Jones presents
And Another Thing…
More verbosity with velocity and viscosity:

Now, some search strings that led people to my other site, southpawjones.com:

1. t-shirt painting
2. unrequited love songs
3. vanessa huxtable
4. southpaw communications in california
5. sights in Tennesee

Southpaw Jones presents
Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:
I’m an ocean, because I’m really deep. If you search deep enough you can find rare exotic treasures.
Christina Aguilera

Thank you, come again!
www.southpawjones.com
www.southpawjones.net
www.myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.