Southpaw Jones

Seriously, I’ve heard the guy’s name, but I’ve never heard his show. I’ve never known anyone to talk about his show. Who are these Imus-listening people?

Well, we all know his name this week because he called the Rutgers University basketball players “nappy-headed hos.” Or is that “hoes”? Ask Dan Quayle. At any rate, Imus lost some sponsors, then his tv show, then his radio show yesterday.

Don Imus, I hardly knew thee.

Obviously, what he said was awful, rude, and decidedly unfunny. Sexist. Racist. My friends, this is what happens when you try to find comedy in basketball. There is only one group on the planet who has the power to do such a thing, and they are the Harlem Globetrotters. Try to compete with them, and you will be squashed.

I’m sure the incident says something about Don Imus’s personality or sub-conscious or something. He’s a crusty old white guy, you know? There’s bound to be some old-school racism in that guy somewhere.

But I think it says more about the challenge of filling HOURS of talk radio time every day for DECADES of one’s life, trying to be entertaining, edgy, and acceptable all the while.

I was a mass communication major in college, and I’ve often fantasized about having one of those shows. It is a fantasy plagued by visions of foot-in-my-mouth disasters and oceans of unfunny stalling. I admire anyone who can pull it off at all.

So Don Imus said what he said in an effort to be funny, and he fell flat on his face. It’s not like “nappy-headed hos” was on a script somewhere. That would be reprehensible, of course. This guy has been babbling on and on for years, improvising, searching for funny angles, trying to be listenable. I have no idea if he was generally good at it or not, but he certainly must have had an audience to have his radio show simulcast on MSNBC.

Were I in charge, I think a super-strict second chance might have been in order. Make a similar, stupid, 2-second mistake twice, and you’re fired. After all, isn’t this what the blogosphere is for? Irrelevant opinions from powerless people in hypothetical situations?

Since we’re in a firing mood as a country, though, why don’t we fire George Bush for the mishandling of the Katrina aftermath? All this furor over verbal racism sure does seem to be distracting from the scary, neglectful kind that actually results in, you know, PEOPLE DYING.

But I didn’t plan to let today’s Gazette turn into a bramble ramble. What I really wanted to do was present a list for Mr. Imus:

WHAT HE MEANT TO SAY WAS:

1. sappy-headed bros

2. Pap regretted shows.

3. Howard Stern is better than me.

4. happy, wedded toes

5. snappy shredded bows

6. Crap, he let it snow!

7. That wee head! It grows!

8. Frappu-friggin’-ccinos!

9. Trap the ebb and flow.

10. Cap, we breaded those!

11. I’m a stupid shock jock millionaire.

Have a great weekend! The deluxe version of The Dot Net Gazette will return Monday morning with 5 Chunks of Fun, 5 Times a Week!