Southpaw Jones

Sales Pitch
A bit of practice before I go into advertising:

Umbrellas
by Southpaw Jones

Umbrellas!
Get your umbrellas here!
Mind the foggy, might turn soggy!
Get a grip on the hook tip ‘neath the canvas lip that blocks the drip!
It’s comin’ down!
It’s comin’ down!
God’s judgment no longer cometh in the form of flood.
That there rainbow reminds us of such.
But moisture from the gulf has made NO SUCH PROMISE!

Getchur umbrellas heeyur!
Your pals will be wet, and your enemies will be soaking!
But you will not fret, you’ll be bone dry and smoking!
Yessir, everything from your scalp to your cigarettes to your genitals
Will find solace when your arm waves one of these futuristic doo-dads at the sky.

Say to that storm cloud, “No more!
I am no Neanderthal, foraging for berries
With trembling, sopping hand!
I am a civilized city-dweller
With places to be
People to see
Babies to kiss
Meetings to miss
I ain’t got time for your tomfoolerishesness!”

“Hey, guy, did you teleport to work today?”
That’s what they’ll ask!

“Do you have some invisible force field power?”
They’ll beg to know!

“Do you shrink wrap yourself? How do you breathe in there?”
They’ll shake off their wetness and look at you with amazed, gaping pie-holes!

It’s the umbrella!
Buy one today!
I know what you’re thinking:
“How much? $500? $847 plus tax?”

No, my friends, not even close.
Today only, you can get this standard drug store umbrella for
THREE EASY PAYMENTS OF $75.50!

If you ain’t dry, it’s time to buy!
If you be a Poppins, you may even fly!

Feel free to roam with your second home!

UMBRELLAS!

Do it With Style
Fun words to say while belching, stretching, or answering the phone:
SLAPDASH
PICACHU
SAUCEBOX
RACONTEUR
ASPERGUM

Online Museum of the Week
Photographing Squirrels:

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

A man must live like a great brilliant flame and burn as brightly as he can. In the end he burns out. But this is far better than a mean little flame.
Boris Yeltsin

Plumb, Plumber, Plumbest
Signs o’ the times from Austin’s singing Jewish plumber, Herman Bennett:

Thank you, come again!
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©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.