Southpaw Jones

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Austinites, don’t forget to celebrate five years of Matt the Electrician and Southpaw Jones tonight at the Cactus Café. 9 pm!

Everyone else in the whole wide world, well, happy Friday! Not a moment too soon, this weekend has arrived. Friday is a day for fun, a day for experimentation and creativity. Trouble is, I’ve got nothing this morning. Caffeine hasn’t quite kicked in. Perhaps some hypothetical questions will get my brain going.

How ‘bout this?
YOU ARE STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND!

[Here’s how I remember the difference between spelling “desert” and “dessert.” “Dessert” is all about indulgence and more, more, more! So it has two “S”es. The desert is barren and lacking, so it only get’s one “S.” Voila!]

Anyways, you’re stranded on a desert island, and here are some questions for you?

Would you rather have unlimited bagels OR unlimited donuts? If you’re pretty sure you’ll be rescued? If you’re pretty sure you won’t?

Would you rather have some musical instruments OR your entire collection of recorded music OR [God forbid] access to a Top 40 radio station?

Would you rather bring along a loving spouse, an athletic mute sex addict, OR three of your best friends? What if the three best friends came with board games and a deck of cards? What if the sex addict came with drugs? What if the spouse came with a chenille throw?

Would you rather find a friendly cat, a friendly dog, a friendly horse, OR a bitchy hen that lays tasty eggs and spits shredded cheese?

You can either have a phone that only connects to the most annoying people you’ve ever known OR a TV that picks up only daytime judge shows. Which is it, sucker?

A cruise ship filled with sweaty, swingin’, Arizona bikers sails by. Do you catch it OR hide behind a tree?

Would you rather have five of the greatest novels of all time OR unlimited CliffsNotes?

There’s a computer on the island that only plays Tetris. You’re welcome, punk!

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Always strive to excel, but only on weekends.
Richard Rorty

Online Museum of the Week
Las Vegas Photo Compositions:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That 2×4 can touch its nose to its knees! That’s quite a piece of…
Highlight here for answer: [limber timber]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?
Friday, June 29th, 2007
9:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Cactus Cafe
SW Corner of Texas Union, UT Campus
Austin, TX
512.475.6515
http://www.utexas.edu/student/txunion/ae/cactus/index.php?cactus=current

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE (AMERICAN REMIX)
Alternate title:
I’ve Got to Admit, It’s Getting Lesser, It’s Getting Lesser All the Time

Liz Claiborne has died
BUT
The Spice Girls are reuniting!

Texas floods have killed eleven people
BUT
The iPhone comes out tomorrow!

Tahoe is on fire
BUT
Paris Hilton is out of jail!

20 decapitated bodies were found outside Baghdad
BUT
According to Jim has been renewed!

The White House has asserted executive privilege
BUT
Transformers is coming soon!

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl.
H. L. Mencken

Online Museum of the Week
Las Vegas Photo Compositions:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Are you done counting the spaces between buildings? What’s your…
Highlight here for answer: [alley tally]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Friday, June 29th, 2007
9:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Cactus Cafe
SW Corner of Texas Union, UT Campus
Austin, TX
512.475.6515
http://www.utexas.edu/student/txunion/ae/cactus/index.php?cactus=current

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Well, I just can’t get a minute to write today, dang it. The big news of the week is that Matt the Electrician and I will be celebrating FIVE YEARS of performing together this Friday, June 29, at the Cactus Café. That’s longer than high school, longer than college, even longer than the extended Lord of the Rings trilogy. It’s worthy of celebration, and I hope you’ll join us.

Friday, June 29th, 2007
9:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Cactus Cafe
SW Corner of Texas Union, UT Campus
Austin, TX
512.475.6515
http://www.utexas.edu/student/txunion/ae/cactus/index.php?cactus=current

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

It’s not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one’s thoughts. It saves one having to bother anyone else with them.
Isabel Colegate

Online Museum of the Week
Las Vegas Photo Compositions:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Goldilocks found even more of the Three Bears’ food in their…
Highlight here for answer: [porridge storage]

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Well, the air conditioning remains broken this morning. It’s not as fun to write about on this second day. I remember one of my original reasons for surrendering to full-time office work: At least I’ll get to sit in air conditioning that I’m not paying for all summer. I’ll never take you for granted again, AC! I finally got you in my car, but I lost you in my workplace.

Here are some people, places, and things that I would enjoy humping at this particular moment:

1. Jack Frost
2. The Ice Queen
3. Mrs. Claus
4. The Abominable Snowman
5. Margaret Thatcher
6. Pluto
7. Antarctica
8. Eskimos
9. The Kool-Aid Guy
10. Tonya Harding

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Life’s Tragedy is that we get old to soon and wise too late.
Benjamin Franklin

Online Museum of the Week
Las Vegas Photo Compositions:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Those logs are sawing logs themselves! Don’t disturb their…
Highlight here for answer: [lumber slumber]

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

It’s hot. Hot hot heat. Sultry. Thick air.
The air conditioning in “my” office today is broken.
Not functioning.
Maybe it will get fixed by noon?
Maybe it will take two hours after that for the building to cool down?

Maybe far away
Or maybe real nearby
He may be icing her coffee
She may be loosening his tie.

Oh, Lord, take me now.
The lights are going off
To cut down on the heat
The clothes are coming off
To cut down on the heat
AND intensify the nausea
Depending on which direction you look.

Someone should be FIRED for this!
I think it should be me.
Sure, I have nothing to do with the cooling system
But I could go see a mooooovie
Or sabotage a Wal-Mart
Or explore a bookstore
Or hit the gym
Or grab some groceries
In air-conditioned comfort.

Good thing I wore thin boxers
Probably ten years old
Straining to hold together at the seams
Just to remain useful to their masters:
Me, my hips, and my rain forest of a crotch.

Bad thing I wore a thick undershirt
It feels like a layer of mozzarella
On my torso.
My blood is boiling marinara
Under my doughy skin.

CAN ANYONE HEAR ME SCREAM?
INSIDE MY HEAD LIKE THIS?
AHHHHH!

I’m hot, so hot.
I wanna go home and puke in my own toilet
Which, of course, this job allows me to rent.
Thank you, hot job.
Envelope me in your sticky hand.

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn’t hear the barbarians coming.
Garrison Keillor

Online Museum of the Week
Las Vegas Photo Compositions:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Smother that Parisian tower!
Highlight here for answer: [stifle Eiffel]

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.