Southpaw Jones

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

…and that’s about it for the month’s news. Now, as is our tradition, would anyone like to address the council?

Yes, um, hello, I’m number FOURTEEN. Just to get the awkwardness out of the way, I’ll just say up front that my parents, um, got together on a multiplication table, blah, blah, blah, and here I am. I’m sure you all remember. It was the talk of the town. He was a SEVEN, she was a TWO. That was very uncommon at the time, and it’s becoming more the norm today, but I have to say…I mean, I’m glad that I exist and all, but I think it’s sick! Absolutely sick! That we’re all subject to the whim of children. Some third-grader decides to pair us up, and boom, we’re stuck at home, nursing a number that’s bigger than us! Do they have any decency up there? I…I wish…

Alright, FOURTEEN, thank you for sharing. I just want to remind you all again that there’s nothing we can do about…

I’m a TWO. I’m a TWO! Can anyone hear me? I’m speaking as loud as I can, and I’m sorry for interrupting, but I used to be an EIGHT! Up until this morning, I was going somewhere in the world! I got divided by a friggin’ FOUR! Hey, you! NINE! ELEVEN! It’s me, your running buddy! LOOK AT ME! They turn their heads, but I know they can hear me. It can happen to you, too, NINE! Anytime, out of the blue. ELEVEN, you think you’re a big shot because you’re prime? Well, I happen to know there’s a rich kid with a new graphing calculator that could parabolize your ass! Maybe if I whispered your name in his ear…

Whoa, whoa, people, please! If we are ever going to stop Mathematics in full, we’re certainly not going to do it by equasorating our own kind! Listen, my sister, a FIVE, just got sucked into the serial number of a dollar bill last week! How do you think that makes me feel? Touched by all those strangers, hours and hours in some sweaty dude’s wallet! I shudder to think. But I don’t dwell on it, and I don’t complain about it, because I stand before you, a proud SIX-HUNDRED-SIXTY-SIX, and I’ve been around a long time! Longer than the sorry lot of you all combined.

AHHHHH!

Oh, shush up! Not literally combined…jeez. I’m not a monster. Everybody take a breath. Now, has anyone been out to see the Exponential Growth Patients lately? Hmm? No one? Well, it’s not going to get any easier. You thought they were freakish two weeks ago? You ain’t seen nothing. Whew. But they need companionship. Please volunteer.

Finally, we’ve got our Annual Roman Numeral Foot Race coming up Tuesday. We’ve got a good list of participants, time-keepers, and refreshment servers. I’m looking forward to it. Let’s see, I’ve got the list here…it looks like we’ll start at 9 am, as VI times XII and III…

AHHHHH!

Um, hello, I’m number NINETY. Where am I? Who are you people?

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Originally we were going to title it “The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off,” but it was too long.
Jon Stewart

Online Museum of the Week
50s and 60s Album Covers :

Rhyme Time!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

A celebration for Mr. Scorsese.
Highlight here for answer: [Marty party]

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Folks tend to think that religion is all about melodrama, earnestness, righteousness, kneeling, doing, studying, and caring a whole lot about a lot of things. Well, there’s some truth to that, but a great deal of the Judeo-Christian tradition is NOT CARING and chilling the #$*@ out. Jesus was all like, “Relax, dudes, I got your back. Can I rub your feet?” and Moses was all, “Enough of this working for the Egyptians. I know this place where we can eat milk and honey and lay around in hammocks all day.”

You want proof? Take The Ten Commandments. Please take them! Ooo, the great monolith of legislation for Israel and the Deep South alike! Bow before it! Carve it in stone as it was once carved in stone, broken by Angry Moses, then carved in stone again. The truth is, they’re not that scary. To the unbiased eye, the first published Laws of God read more like an ancient self-help book on simplifying your life, reducing stress, avoiding action, and indeed, CARING LESS.

Don’t believe me? Take a look:

ONE: ‘You shall have no other gods before Me.’

One God. One-stop shopping. All your needs met here. No need to diversify your spiritual investments. Memorize one name. I’m your sole diety. Pray only once when you’re in trouble. Booyah.

TWO: ‘You shall not make for yourself a carved image–any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.’

Don’t you have enough on your plate with the plowing of fields and the raising of children? If you want to sweat and carve and whittle and sandblast some idol, you’re going to have to do it without my permission. Just watch a sunset, fool, so sayeth the Lord.

THREE: ‘You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.’

[This one is less about “Oh my God” and more about “I swear to the Lord God in the face of my only child, I’m gonna pay you back those three shillings!”] Don’t go around making crazy, melodramatic statements and dragging My name into them. Keep me out of your stupid promises.

FOUR: ‘Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.’

This is a big one. You need a day off, bro! Once a week. What’s that? No, you can’t work. Not even a little. It is forbidden! Don’t you see, you’ve become a “human doing” instead of a human being. I’m not going to debate this with you. Take a day and do nothing, or be found in violation of God’s law! Go watch some Netflix.

FIVE: ‘Honor your father and your mother.’

Ok, this one is about caring, I’ll admit, but it does get you off the hook where aunts, uncles, siblings, grandparents, and neighbors are concerned. In the face of that gaggle, honoring two measly people doesn’t seem so hard, does it?

SIX: ‘You shall not murder.’

Is anything worth dropping a rock on another person’s skull? Really? You know, it takes a lot of effort to kill someone. Most folks don’t want to die, and they’ll resist. Necessary wars are VERY RARE. So why don’t you just relax, think it over, and then forget about it.

SEVEN: ‘You shall not commit adultery.’

If you can satisfy more than one person sexually, emotionally, and spiritually, well then, you are a god yourself, and you certainly don’t need these silly rules. All the rest of you, stay at home and deal with it. One husband. One wife. One partner. Why double the torture by cheating?

EIGHT: ‘You shall not steal.’

What’s worth stealing anyway? You look stupid all dressed in black and crouching around. Stick with what you’ve got or earn more the hard way, Takey McTakerson.

NINE: ‘You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.’

Don’t lie in court. Just tell the nice officer what he needs to know, and get out of there. Your meter’s expired.

TEN: ‘You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.’

Trying to keep up with the Joneses, eh? Well, stop it. It’s annoying. Learn to be happy with what you have. It’s up there with the greatest skills you’ll ever acquire. Besides, if you genuinely don’t care about your neighbor’s brand new Lexus, it’ll drive them CRAZY! Bonus!

So that’s it. Splat! The Ten Commandments pretty much decree that you should mind your own business, take time off, have one God, one spouse, and enjoy the things that rightfully belong to you. That’s a gouda meatball-a! You can put those up in the Southpaw Jones Memorial Courthouse, but I’d like you to rename them “10 Ways to Cool Down on a Hot Summer Day.” They’ll get more casual readers that way.

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

I don’t like my hockey sticks touching other sticks, and I don’t like them crossing one another, and I kind of have them hidden in the corner. I put baby powder on the ends. I think it’s essentially a matter of taking care of what takes care of you.
Wayne Gretzky

Online Museum of the Week
50s and 60s Album Covers:

Rhyme Time!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Flirt with one’s eyelid in a building for ice skating.
Highlight here for answer: [rink wink]

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Just in case you wanted to know more about me…

Turn-ons: Warmth, foul language, hospital ice, lace, cleanliness.

Turn-offs: Jowls, righteous indignation, plastic bags for/containing dog poop, attitude, dramatic pauses.

Turn-ups: Aerosmith, They Might Be Giants, “She’s in Love with the Boy”, Huey Lewis & The News, Charlie Rose.

Turn-downs: Matchbox 20, television commercials, invitations, collars, callers.

Turn-backs: comforters, armies, house guests, page corners, to childhood.

Turnips: Red, white, root, demanding, cold remedy.

Turn-ins: HEB, Costco, Polvo’s, early, TPS reports.

Turn-overs: mattresses, cars, pancakes, lovers, employees.

Turn-tos: girlfriend, friends, mother, sister, the vast oneness.

Turn-outs: night-light, songs, voters, driveways, to be a fine young man.

Turntables: two, please, plus a microphone if you’ve got one.

Matt the Electrician and I perform tonight at Cafe Mundi and next Friday at the Cactus Cafe. Do what you must in response!

Wednesday, June 20th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Cafe Mundi
1704 E. 5th St.
Austin, TX
512-236-8634
http://www.cafemundi.com

Friday, June 29th, 2007
9:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Cactus Cafe
SW Corner of Texas Union, UT Campus
Austin, TX
512.475.6515
http://www.utexas.edu/student/txunion/ae/cactus/index.php?cactus=current

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in
the world is fixed.
Frank Deford

Online Museum of the Week
50s and 60s Album Covers:

Rhyme Time!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Um, who is that big purple dinosaur working the funnel cake trailer?
Highlight here for answer: [carney Barney]

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

And now…
For your reading pleasure and intellectual debate…
An honest look at our planet’s finest beast…
One Dozen Things that SUCK about the Human Body

1. Ingrown toenails

2. Cancer

3. Cheek-biting molars

4. Ragged cuticles

5. Tendency to get fat and lumpy

6. You sit comfortably all your life, and suddenly your posture is terrible.

7. Involuntary face-touching when uncomfortable or lying.

8. The threat, the talk, and the fear of STONES.

9. The need for sleep, and so much of it!

10. Halitosis

11. Millennia of evolution…still got hair everywhere.

12. Super-sensitive eyeballs

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Two pages of passive voice–just about any business document ever written, in other words, not tomention reams of bad fiction–make me want to scream. It’s weak, it’s circuitous, and it’s frequentlytortuous, as well. How about this: My first kiss will be recalled by me as how my romance withShayna was begun. Oh, man–who farted, right? A simpler way to express this idea–sweeter andmore forceful, as well–might be this: My romance with Shayna began with our first kiss. I’llnever forget it. I’m not in love with this because it uses with twice in four words, but at least we’reout of that awful passive voice.
Stephen King, On Writing

Online Museum of the Week
50s and 60s Album Covers:

Rhyme Time!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

You wanna know how to join two pieces of metal together and keep them together? Go ask Don. He’s been around the longest.
Highlight here for answer: [elder welder]

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Train for the blithering, withering winds
Push for the conquest is nigh
Lift from you feet all your wretched deceit
And free all the swine from your sty

There’s a guy in the next booth
Long in the short tooth
Short on the funds
And big on the truth

“That’s the tastiest roast
On the whole east coast
I’ll buy you your lunch
If you’ll save me my ghost”

That’s what I said to him,
Tilting my visor
He said, “You know, son,
I thought you was wiser.”

“Too wise to offer up dough for my bread.
Too wise to chatter and leave silence dead.
Too wise to bargain with one so forlorn
Too wise to write poetry on a
Godforsaken
Booty-shakin’
Money-makin’
Wrinkle-noticing
Milo and Otis-ing
Crust in the tear duct
Jealous of the good-lucked
Rather be in bed
On Friday instead
No rest for the bleary
Even Beverly Cleary
Would’ve cursed
This worst
Of the weekdays…
Monday morn.

Blech.

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Technique! The very word is like a shriek of outraged Art. It is the idiot name given to effort by those who are too weak, too weary, or too dull to play the game. The mighty have no theory of technique.
Leonard Bacon

Online Museum of the Week
50s & 60s Album Covers:

Rhyme Time!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Tastelessly showy local church community.
Highlight here for answer: [garish parish]

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.