Southpaw Jones

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

1. All Sonic fast food restaurants need a drive-through. Sometimes, I want a tasty non-Wendy’s, non-BK, non-clown burger, but I don’t want to go back in time to the year 1956. I don’t want to turn my car engine off, but I don’t want to let it idle either. I don’t want to wonder if I have to tip a young woman for not falling down on roller skates with my grub. In the suburb of Houston where I grew up, our Sonic had a drive-through, but I’m beginning to think it is the only one in the world. I miss that option! I understand what y’all’re tying to do, and it’s charming, sure. But if I wanted to half-heartedly smile at someone cheerily and robotically bringing me unhealthy food, I’d get married…in the year 1956.

2. Watch out using “ma’am”! It doesn’t hold the power it used to, and it actually does more harm than good. I used it the other day to politely respond to a fifty-year-old woman, and she said she wasn’t old enough to be called “ma’am.” Um, I’m only thirty, but if some young ‘un wants a free piece of hard candy from me, he darn-well better say “sir.” One used to get major bonus points for saying “ma’am.” Sure, it’s been antiquated for some time, but I figured middle-aged women would still get a kick out of hearing it, especially considering they probably used it when they were kids. I was wrong. It makes them squirmy and suspicious. It’s the M-word to the menopausal demographic. Thanks for leading me astray with that one, Mom.

3. It’s Friday, and I suggest you have a good weekend. Visits to the Gazette have been up this week, and I appreciate everyone who takes a minute to surf my cyber-wave. That includes you, Mr. CIA agent. And you, Mr. Cheney. And all y’all ex-girlfriends. Do you remember the time? When we fell in love? Do you remember the time? When we first met, girl? Sha’mon! Eee-hee. Ham on whole wheat.

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

No president who performs his duties faithfully and conscientiously can have any leisure.
James Polk

Online Museum of the Week
Cereal Box Archive:

Rhyme Time!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

One who fans a monarch.
Highlight here for answer: [ruler cooler]

If I Had a Million Dollars
Unnecessary products that inexplicably tempt me:

The creepiest candle-holder ever!
Little Joseph
$79.00
Available at http://www.gnr8.biz/product_info.php?products_id=442.

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Here are 10 Non-Jokes and Bad Jokes mixed together for the benefit of intellectual exercise. You decide!

• What did the cow say to the mailman?
• “Moo.”

• What did the plastic surgeon say to the cow?
• “Come in for a consultation sometime.”

• What did the tornado say to the debris?
• “My whirl is empty without you, babe.”

• What did the farmer say to the returning female sheep, for whom he had set out daily spices?
• “Ewe again? After all this thyme?”

• What did the flower say to the time-lapse photographer?
• “Jeez, take a million incremental pictures, it’ll last longer.”

• Why is the sky blue?
• ‘Cause cheese already had “bleu” trademarked.

• What did the orchid say to the gardner?
• “I’m high-maintenance. So the #$@% what?”

• What did the pinwheel say to the windmill?
• “Um, you’re impressive and intimidating, sure, but my uncle is a jet engine who comes through here twice a year, so blow me.”

• What do women have that men lack?
• “Wo.”

• What did the lonely British cowboy moan?
• “My chaps are my only friends.”

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

In Genesis, it says that it is not good for a man to be alone; but sometimes it is a great relief.
John Barrymore

Online Museum of the Week
Cereal Box Archive:

Rhyme Time!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

How are you going to free us from Egyptian bondage if you’re taking a nap?
Highlight here for answer: [Moses dozes]

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Why do I get sucked into random episodes of 48 Hours Mystery?
They’re all the same, my friends.
Man and woman fall in love.
Man is super-nice, well-respected, dentist, business-owner, whatever.
Woman is beautiful, full of life, dedicated mother.
Everything was going so well.
But wait!
Woman is murdered!
Was it an ex-lover?
The mailman?
Suicide?
No, silly, it was the husband!
You see, she threw out his Hank Aaron baseball card.
AND she was taking the kids to a Unitarian Church!
He borrowed a gun.
He bought a knife.
He put plastic sheets in the SUV.
I’ve learned that all husbands are psychos.
If a couple seems happy…
If their vacation photos are stunning and full of smiles…
If the husband is a self-made success…
If the wife is just bursting with joie de vivre…
You better get her to a safe house.

On a lighter note, it’s Wednesday, Hump Day, Mid-Week Slump Day, Skid-Streak Jump Day. More importantly, it’s the day I toot my own horn. Meep! Meep! I’m performing out in the world, regardless of my mother’s reckless Thanksgiving 2002 declaration that “a can of beans could sell more tickets.”

Tonight, Matt the Electrician and I will light up Café Mundi like Christmas Eve strippers. What part of you wants to miss that? That’s right, the dumb part. Come on down at 8 pm.

Friday night features the return of C-Dar Fevar, the reluctant foxy-fauxy-boy-band. We’re ending a night of big fun at Ruta Maya. Ms. Spike Gillespie has put together a fine evening of music, including Pataphysics, The Phonemes, Bob Wiseman, and Max & Henry. The show starts around 8 pm, and we’ll cap it off at midnight. Call it a mini-festival. Call it a rock and roll boot camp. But DON’T call it “that legendary evening that everyone loved and I skipped.” If you show up, I’ll dance with extra intensity. Maybe even on the beat!

Thanks for keeping up. Here are details:

Wednesday, June 13th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Cafe Mundi
1704 E. 5th St.
Austin, TX
512-236-8634
http://www.cafemundi.com

Friday, June 15th, 2007
10:00 PM
C-Dar Fevar Returns!
Ruta Maya Coffeehouse
218 W 4th St
Austin, TX 78701
512-472-9637
http://rutamaya.net
18 and over: $10
Under 18: 2 for $10

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Not the power to remember, but its very opposite, the power to forget, is a necessary condition for our existence.
Saint Basil

Online Museum of the Week
Cereal Box Archive:

Rhyme Time!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Choke out a cylindrical container.
Highlight here for answer: [throttle bottle]

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

I cannot just say “bless you” all dang day long!

I’ve never been a big fan of the traditional call-and-response system we’ve attached to that particular expulsion of irritants, but I am now entrenched in the worse sneezing war I’ve ever seen, and it’s killing me.

I work in a cubicle. Work station. Dork farm. Whatever you want to call it.

The two women on either side of me are chronic sneezers, lovely people who must have spilled ground pepper in their keyboards at some point. One sneezes about seven times after eating anything; the other lets ‘em rip randomly in sets of two or three.

Positioned between them, I am the catch-all “bless you” distributor.

Sneeze! Bless you.

Sneeze! Bless you.

If I don’t give a bless you to the woman on my left post-sneeze, the woman on my right will snag the honor, and I’ll come off like a jerk in the middle.

I’ve already come up with all the variations in tone and pronunciation I can muster. The sequence of responses to repeated countenance explosions is pretty much set in stone:

Sneeze. Bless you.
Sneeze. Bless you. (once more with feeling)
Sneeze. Gazoontite. (however you spell that)
Sneeze. Goodness…
Sneeze. Gracious!
Sneeze. You gonna be alright?
Sneeze. Well, bless you all to heck!
Sneeze. Blessssss yoooooooooooooou.
Sneeze. Get the #$@# out!
Sneeze. Get out of here!
Sneeze. See a doctor!
Sneeze. Quarantine! Quarantine!
Sneeze. B.Y.!

Today, I have a modest proposal. The “bless you” is so devalued in this office, the only way we can save it is to raise its price. From now on, each “bless you” will cost TWO sneezes. The first sneeze earns no mercy from me, especially when I know there’s another one or five coming. Is that rude?

Yes? Well, if politeness is what you’re after, well beware, lest the Sneeze Chain of Society develop into something like this:

Sneeze.
Bless you.
Thank you.
You’re welcome.
Oh, you’re too kind.
Nah, you need to hear it! All that mucous and whiplash…
It was a nasty one.
I know, I felt some drops over here.
Sorry.
No need to apologize. May the Lord God expel demons from your soul with every heave of your melon.
Sneeze!

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

A man’s work is nothing but this slow trek to rediscover, through the detours of art, those two or three great and simple images in whose presence his heart first opened.
Albert Camus

Online Museum of the Week
Cereal Box Archive:

Rhyme Time!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Leer longingly at a powerful businessman.
Highlight here for answer: [ogle mogul]

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Summer vacation is over, and I’m looking forward to getting back to some routine around here.

I spent the last five weekends out-of-town: Wimberley, Houston, Kerrville, Corpus Christi, and Kerrville again.

Yes, the Kerrville Folk Festival was kinder to Maggie and me this last weekend. The weather, I mean. It was sunny, hot at times, but often breezy and comfortable. Especially down by the river. There were the requisite highs and lows that come with the KFF experience, but we stayed dry the whole time, and for that, I am thankful.

I got to share a couple songs with Billy Jonas, which was a wonderful surprise. Among acoustic singer/songwriters and entertainers, he is one of the greats. His tune God Is In is the perfect epic song for spiritually progressive folks. Check out his world at billyjonas.com.

This morning, I woke up at 6 am to watch the last episode of The Sopranos, my favorite television show. I won’t spoil it for anyone who has catching up to do, but I will say a few words about David Chase, the show’s creator and maintainer. This guy has a love/hate relationship with his audience…at best. It has made the series, especially these last few episodes, very interesting and/or frustrating to watch, depending on your perspective. As far as I’m concerned, the guy has had very few missteps in the several years that the show has existed. Where he scripts, I’ll follow.

Chase had a great deal of success early on with The Sopranos, and as HBO has begged for more and more shows, he has become more artful, less conventional, more between-the-lines, less trigger-happy. The show became more than a gangster dramedy. It stands alone, a complete American odyssey, and I’m sad to see it go, but glad to see that it ended fully-marinated in the creative juices of it’s contrary, dark-hearted maker.

The last few weeks of the show affected me as much as any storytelling could. Nothing but building tension, instability, and shifting sands. Now it’s over, and the best part for me is being able to breathe normally again.

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

When our ancestors arrived at Ellis Island, they came with the name Leonardo, but the immigration people changed to Leotardo. … They took our proud Italian heritage, and named us after a ballet costume.
Phil Leotardo, ever angry on The Sopranos

Online Museum of the Week
Cereal Box Archive:

Rhyme Time!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Smashed coin.
Highlight here for answer: [broken token]

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.