Southpaw Jones

Songmaker • Whimsicologist • Austinite
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Archive for July, 2007

That’s why the Tuesday is a tramp.

July 31, 2007 By: Southpaw Jones Category: Interesting? 1 Comment →

1.Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Yes, it’s Tuesday, time once again to enter David Letterman’s online Top Ten Contest. I have yet to land an entry on the list of winners, and I have yet to enjoy the list of winners in any kind of LOL way. Last week, the topic was Top Ten Things Overheard in Line For the New Harry Potter Book. You can check out my suggestions here, and the winners there. This week, the topic is…

Top Ten Signs the Space Shuttle Astronauts Have Been Drinking

10. Hubble telescope focused on Paris Hilton’s bedroom window.

9. Frequent diaper changes.

8. Irreverent booing during James Taylor’s special appearance from Mission Control.

7. Sudden request for a space walk to “clear my head.”

6. Floating vomit.

5. International Space Station renamed “Party Central.”

4. “I can’t take the G-force!” heard before launch.

3. Never-ending orders to set course for Uranus.

2. Entire mission spent sleeping it off.

1. “Houston…we love you, man.”

There you have it!

2.Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

I put up my thumb and it blotted out the planet Earth.
Neil Armstrong

3.Online Museum of the Week
Song Title Movie Posters:

4.Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

We gotta move people back and forth over and over, and we need a vehicle that can handle it. The question is…
Highlight here for answer: [what’ll shuttle]

5.Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 2nd, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

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Earth Monday, Earth Monday, will you be mine?

July 30, 2007 By: Southpaw Jones Category: Interesting? No Comments →

1.Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

For the life of me, I can’t remember where I set down that remote.

Well, my dreams didn’t come true.

Again with this?

Not the way I wanted ‘em to.

I think you did just fine. Somewhere between here and the bathroom…

If everyone had done their part, lived up to their commitments…

Yes, dear, blame is very attractive in one’s later years.

And circumstance! What the hell was that about with the circumstance?

An enigma wrapped in bacon, that.

Is it the stereo remote you’re looking for?

No, the VCR, DVD, whatever shows the pictures we rent.

DVD!

Fine, DVD, as in Disappeared, Very Disappeared.

What on earth was last night about?

Last night? That was just two people who love each other discussing adult things.

Worn out pajama bottoms are “adult things” now?

Ooo, remind me to get you some new ones when I’m out later.

I DON’T NEED…don’t want…didn’t we used to argue about more interesting things?

Oh, I dunno, it’s all subjective, innit?

Like people, music, food, drink, quagmires, Moon Unit Zappa…

I suppose we went ‘round on the news of the day and the challenges of our time.

The taste, the price, the pretense of wine!

Cork or screwtop!

California versus France!

And there was a beer.

A beer?

Yes, we both loved it!

The same beer?

Yes, for different reasons! You thought it tasted great…

Ugh.

…and I found it to be less filling.

That was a bloody commercial, dear!

So?

So what?

So this is a commercial, too, remember?

Oh, yeah, for Southpaw Jones CDs?

And MP3s!

Yes, those, too.

Check them out HERE!

They sound great!

Less nonsense!

Sound great!

Less nonsense!

What’s this stuck to my sweaty back?

The DDT remote!

YAY!

YAY!

YAY!

2.Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

A lot of people believe that if everybody just did what they were told - obeyed - everything would be fine. But that’s not what life is all about. That’s not real. It’s never going to happen.
Matt Groening

3.Online Museum of the Week
Song Title Movie Posters:

4.Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

He’s the most brilliant theoretical physicist alive today, AND he knows how to seal windows and bathtubs! It’s a fine treat when we catch…
Highlight here for answer: [Hawking caulking]

5.Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 2nd, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

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FRIDAY: 30 Things that Fascinate 11-Year-Old Boys

July 27, 2007 By: Southpaw Jones Category: Interesting? No Comments →

1.Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

I used to be an 11-year-old boy, you see, so consider me a former first-hand expert. If you know a kid with a birthday coming up, or if you’re trying to get closer to your step-son or whatever, here are some useful ideas.
Pass it around.
Share it with friends.
You’re welcome!

NOTE: This list is NOT to be used for Pied Piper-esque nefariousness. And NO military recruiters allowed! Shoo!

• Periscopes
• Nunchucks
• Black Holes
• Spies
• Pulleys/Zip Lines
• Cuss words
• Venus Fly Traps
• Slingshots
• Petrified wood
• Wolverine/wolverines
• Amphibians
• Eclipses
• Rope (swings)
• Acid
• Whirlpools
• Model Rockets
• Ninja stars
• Daydreams
• Big League Chew
• Sides/Teams
• Headstands
• Kickstands
• Transformation
• Glaciers/Alaska
• Crawdads/Crawfish/Crayfish
• Drunk adults
• Double-jointedness
• Brass knuckles
• Test tubes
• Jumping off high places without getting hurt (requires hay, water, bungee, wings, jet pack, hang glider, superpower, etc.)

2.Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Crown. Gold. Good choice. When you want stability, you go for gold.
My New German Dentist, labeling my chomper adjustments

3.Online Museum of the Week
Pimp Cups!:

4.Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Ok, Bomb Squad trainees, listen up! Occasionally, you’ll get someone who doesn’t want you disarming the bomb. You say, “Let me take care of that,” and they say, “No, thanks.” We call this…
Highlight here for answer: [refusing defusing]

5.Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 2nd, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

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Thursdays edition…

July 26, 2007 By: Southpaw Jones Category: Interesting? No Comments →

…will have to come late, if it comes at all. No!!!

I have to go to the dentist. No!!!

But if you’re in Austin, come on out to the final installment of Matt the Electrician and Southpaw Jones at Cafe Mundi tonight! Yes!!!

Thursday, July 26th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Cafe Mundi
1704 E. 5th St
Austin, TX
512-236-8634
www.cafemundi.com

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For worse or for WEDNESDAY, we belong.

July 25, 2007 By: Southpaw Jones Category: Interesting? No Comments →

1.Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

I once read that John Lennon was the kind of guy who did what he said he was going to do. If he told you he’d write you a postcard, you could expect a postcard. [I suppose all those bed-ins allowed for generous correspondence time.] Alas, in this and so many other ways, I am no John Lennon.

I despise the cliché I’m about to use, but I just can’t stop my fingers from typing it. There are two kinds of people in the world (barf): Keep-in-Touchers and Out-of-Sight-Out-of-Minders. These two groups are quite different and very likely to hurt each others’ feelings. Out-of-Sight-Out-of-Minders make Keep-in-Touchers feel neglected and forgotten, and Keep-in-Touchers make Out-of-Sight-Out-of-Minders feel guilty and pressured.

Let’s call them KITs and OOSOOMs for the purpose of this BLOG (puke).

KITs are initiators and big-picture thinkers, capable of seeing beyond the bubble of their immediate lives into the past, future, far, and near. They appreciate the interconnectedness of the cosmos, and their life story stays beautifully intact through a series of letters, visits, and reunions. They may also be bored, boring, or salespeople.

OOSOOMs are present-minded and entrenched in the flow of their local community. They work hard, play hard, party hard, and sleep hard. Their social tapestry is ever-changing as new characters jump into frame and old standbys fade out of view. They also may be self-centered losers, hermits, or drug addicts with no long-term perspective.

Technology is firmly on the side of the KITs. With e-mail, text/instant messages, cell phones, MySpace, Twitter, etc., it is impossible to be an OOSOOM and keep KITs from finding out. Nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide, no excuses.

So it is my shame/pleasure to confess that I am an Out-of-Sight-Out-of-Minder. I do not like this about myself, but I certainly haven’t taken steps to change in my thirty years of breathin’. Ask my family, my friends, my co-workers. I know the KITs among them think of me as some sort of demon who drinks ink, burns stationary stores, and drops phones in the toilet, laughing all the while, wearing my isolation like a smallpox-infected blanket.

I’m SORRY, ok? Jeez.

I didn’t turn myself into an insensitive lout; I was born an insensitive lout! I am an equal opportunity disappointer, and I can’t think of too many people in my past who keep in touch worse than me.

It doesn’t mean that I love people any less. It doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t take a bullet for my elementary school buddies or that brief pen pal girlfriend or all those singer-songwriters from all those song circles. It doesn’t mean that I couldn’t sit across a table from any friend in my past and instantly reconnect over onion rings.

I’m just an OOSOOM. I have long-distance autism. More often than not, I find myself so boring that I can’t imagine what I’d put in a letter. Sure, I have this BLOG (ralph), but it’s mostly filled with fiction, jokes, and lists. You won’t find me going all Regis Philbin on you, describing the three gala events I attended last night.

It’d probably come out all rambly-pambly like this here post. But for the record:
Dear Mum,

Last night I ate a PBJ, fiddled around with web design, took a Claritin-D, and read Harry Potter.

Love,
Southpaw

2.Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

For a totalitarian regime, the ideal citizen isn’t a chest-thumping Nazi, but rather the man for whom the distinction between fact and fiction (meaning the reality of the experience) and the distinction between true and false (meaning the standard way of thinking) doesn’t exist any more.
Hannah Arendt

3.Online Museum of the Week
Pimp Cups!:

4.Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

The tortoise beat the hare in baby-making! That is one…
Highlight here for answer: [fertile turtle]

5.Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, July 26th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Cafe Mundi
1704 E. 5th St.
Austin, TX
512-236-8634
http://www.cafemundi.com

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

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