Southpaw Jones

Archive for July 9th, 2007

Monday, let me linger.

July 09, 2007 By: Southpaw Jones Category: Fiction No Comments →

First Lines
Introductions to classic works I will never finish:

Alright, everybody, settle down! Find a seat, face the front.

Disrespect me, and I will disrespect you. Give me your ears, and I will edify you.

I am Mr. Klangeengong. Welcome to An Introduction to Philosophy.

This is classroom 32 in the Tiny Tim Memorial Annex. If you have the wrong room, please step to the front and show me your schedule.

If you have the wrong high school, I suggest you stick around for Monday Chicken Strips, then catch a bus across town.

[Pause for laughter.]

The information contained in this textbook and the supplementary information I will provide combine to form a powerful, life-changing cocktail. Many of you have never had a powerful cocktail, but I suggest you put it on your “List of Things to Do Having Survived Twenty-One Years on This Rock.”

[Pause for whatever reaction these little punks choose to dish out.]

What do you guys know about The Holy Infallible Judeo-Christian Bible? Any FCA or FFA kids in here? Well, we’re not supposed to talk about it amidst these hallowed halls of secular learning, but how ‘bout a show of hands: Who knows the story of Adam & Eve?

[Pause for brain-dead incubi to begrudgingly shift their hairy palms skyward.]

Good. Adam & Eve, naked, innocent, fed, watered, childless, directly in contact with the pre-vengeful Lord God, and BORED OUT OF THEIR MINDS!

[Slam book down on desk if AM class, slap forehead if post-lunch.]

So here comes a slithery serpent. “Don’t you want to ssssee as He ssssees? Know what He knowssss? Percccceive the differencccce between good and evil? Well, then, ssssnap thine jawssss down upon this ssssucculent fruit, and thank me laterssss.”

God had told them not to eat from this one particular tree, you may recall. The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Why would He do that? Create sentient beings and then deny them knowledge? Was it because he was a control freak? An information miser? Because we were just some fun joke to Him, like an ant farm with gratuitous nudity?

I submit the following, my pubescent fellow Cougars. [Provide trademark school roar if eyelids are drooping.] God, knowing, seeing, and having power over EVERYTHING…

…was miserable.

Whether you see The Book of Genesis as myth, magic, or truth with a capital T, this is an important point to consider. This God was merciful, and he tried to protect these fragile little people from that most abusive life partner, knowledge.

[Pause for dramatic effect. Make eye contact with at least one-third of class.]

I, admittedly about the furthest creature from God-like you’ll ever meet, am also merciful. And since this is an elective class, I want to allow you all the option of choosing something else.

Philosophy will open your eyes.
Philosophy will give you something to roll around in your skull when you’re waiting in line at the post office.
Philosophy, and I know how much this appeals to you, will make you feel superior to the jocks, the preppies, the rich kids, and yes, even many of your teachers and principals.

But Ignorance will help you make friends.
Ignorance will give you time to exercise and dress nice.
Ignorance will tell you to focus on enemies, not complexities.
Ignorance will keep you warm at night.
Ignorance will allow you to see things in black and white, trust your government, believe the evening news, and tolerate network television in general.

The choice is yours, friends. Enjoy yourself or embroil yourself. I’m thirty-eight years old, and if I were sitting there like you, knowing what I know now, feeling every ounce of pain, analyzing it, pondering its meaning, gurgling it, letting it rest on my tongue…

…I’d probably walk on out of here. Take Carpentry down the hall. Contribute to the physical world! “Wood” that I were king!

[Wait for students to file out. Convince the unconvinced. Convert class period into down time. Use hour to continue personal study of advanced modern philosophy texts.]

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
Albert Einstein

Online Museum of the Week
H & K Wine Caddies:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

You can’t scare the son of Poseidon! Go ahead an try to…
Highlight here for answer: [frighten Triton]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?
Monday, July 9th, 2007
9:00 PM
Sick’s Science Project (without Southpaw)
Hole in the Wall
2538 Guadalupe St
Austin, TX 78705
(512) 477-4747
Ok, I won’t actually be at this show, but I strongly suggest you attend to see Sick & Melissa Greener rock out!