Southpaw Jones

First Lines
Introductions to classic works I will never finish:

Chormley has to walk a long way to school every day. His daddy says five miles, but Chormley thinks that is a conservative estimate.

Around mile three, he meets up with Clem, his 3rd best friend and possessor of an in-ground pool. Daddy says that Clem is slow as a two-ton tortoise on Quaaludes, but Chormley finds that to be a generous appraisal. Even Clem thinks of it less as an insult and more of an invitation to daydream about terrorizing villages at a glacial pace. Chormley says, “Two tons is big, but it’s not like you’d be fifty feet tall or anything.” Clem, lost in fantasy, says, “Rawr! I know you’ve got lettuce in there, so let us in there!”

Mile four features the leafless, haunted tree where Chormley’s mother fell two weeks before his first day of kindergarten. He doesn’t blame the tree, but he doesn’t underestimate it, either. When Chormley is ahead of schedule, he takes a moment to sit and stare from ten feet away. Clem studies the pit of an ant lion nearby.

When she was in the hospital, Chormley prayed to her, “Don’t leave me alone with him, Mommy. What on earth is going to make sense without you?”

Now, he looks at the tree and whispers, “He’s not as bad as I thought he would be. He offered to buy me a bike, but I don’t like the idea of speeding by here every morning and every afternoon.” He turns to ensure that Clem isn’t listening. “Plus I wouldn’t want smelly Clem on my handlebars.” He giggles, and he knows that she giggles too. Time to get going.

Dad says, “Talk to me about that tree again, and you’ll be living next to it in a tent. Come visit your mother at the cemetery with me like a normal kid, or drop it.” But Chormley can’t stand that place. Each visit is an excruciating hour of watching Dad shuffle his feet and whisper at the ground. Hearing a grown man cry is worse than crying yourself.

The only upside to those visits is getting a hot dog in the square afterward and listening to Daddy criticize the single women of town as they walk by.
“Too chatty.”
“Too needy.”
“Too cold, that one.”
“Who does she think she is, Marilyn Monroe?”

“They don’t make ‘em like they used to, do they, Dad?”

“No, boy, they broke the mold. Smashed it into a million pieces.”

“Like with a sledgehammer?”

“Yeah, like a two-ton tortoise stomped it, chewed it, and spit it out.”

The school doors are in sight. Unfortunately, Chormley is downwind of Clem, who finds a way to get “Sweet Home Alabama” stuck in his head every morning. Seven hours of school, the long walk home, chores, homework, television, bedtime, then dreams.

Chormley’s daddy says life is just a series of chores. Chormley wishes it was that simple.

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Duties are not performed for duty’s sake, but because their neglect would make the man uncomfortable. A man performs but one duty - the duty of contenting his spirit, the duty of making himself agreeable to himself.
Mark Twain

Online Museum of the Week
Pimp Cups!:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Uh, guys, I just dropped our whole sack of stolen loot. Sorry ’bout the…
Highlight here for answer: [plunder blunder]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, July 26th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Cafe Mundi
1704 E. 5th St.
Austin, TX
512-236-8634
http://www.cafemundi.com

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