Southpaw Jones

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

I lose again! Last week’s Top Ten Contest is over, and I did not get one entry on the winning list, which again is not very funny. Here are the winners, and here are my attempts for Katie Couric’s Top Ten Complaints About CBS. And now, all I can do is try, try again.

This week’s topic is Top Ten Pet Peeves of The Transformers. I haven’t seen the film, but I did grow up in the ‘80s, so I think I’m qualified.

10. Jiffy Lube a claustrophobic nightmare.

9. Vital internal organs made by GM.

8. Having life story told by Michael Bay.

7. Truck form makes my ass look fat.

6. The steadily rising price of chrome.

5. The obnoxious jerk that turns into a Hummer.

4. The obnoxious jerk that gets out of a Hummer.

3. Glove compartment actually a very sensitive area.

2. Sitting on a telephone pole all day transferring energy.

1. Having to save the world when there’s some serious cruising to do.

Wish me luck!

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Too much sanity may be madness. And maddest of all, to see life as it is and not as it should be!
Miguel de Cervantes, Don Quijote de la Mancha

Online Museum of the Week
Banned License Plates of New York:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

The cruel shortening of sweet relief.
Highlight here for answer: [alleviation abbreviation]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, July 19th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Cafe Mundi
1704 E. 5th St.
Austin, TX
512-236-8634
http://www.cafemundi.com

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

A girl in a nearby cubicle e-mailed me a question, and I replied with something goofy, as I am wont to do. She wrote back with “lol.” “Laughing Out Loud,” right? Well, she wasn’t. I would have heard it, and she wasn’t audibly laughing at all, which calls into question all private usage of the acronym. That makes me want to soti. Sob On The Inside.

I had a fine, fine weekend, which makes it more difficult to be under the fluorescent lights this morn. Here are some things I enjoyed, mostly with sweet Maggie o’ mine:

- A home-cooked meal sitting at a table
- A combination of Arizona Southern-Style Iced Tea and Tito’s Vodka. (Highly recommended.)
- “My Favorite Year,” an outdoor musical in Zilker Park
- Janeane Garofalo AND They Might Be Giants on Conan O’Brien
- “Stranger Than Fiction” on DVD
- Retail shopping
- Pad Thai
- “Harry Potter…” in 3D IMAX
- Very tiny high school reunion at Hole in the Wall
- Breakfast tacos at Maria’s
- Barton Springs
- Rehearsal for Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
- “Lost in La Mancha” on DVD

That’s a pretty good weekend where I come from, which by definition means nonproductive to the max.

I’ll tell you the problem with the Harry Potter series of films: the assumption that one book equals one movie. What we end up with is a CliffsNotes version of the story that skips and hops all over the plot, such that it just makes you want to read the book again. It would have been a risky move, granted, but had they made 10-12 shorter films based on the whole Potter story, then the films may have ended up masterpieces like the books.

Of course, the only person who knows the whole story is Ms. Rowling. Damn, she’s rich. Makes me want to write a series of books about a young leprechaun at Space Camp. The first installment is called “Lite Year and the G-Force Simulator.”

Or how ‘bout the story of a talking cat who serendipitously becomes a town crier in 18th Century Massachusetts?

“Meow Hear This!”
“Meow Hear This Misses THE Tea Party attending A Tea Party”
“Meow Hear This: News You Can Mews”
“Meow Here This and the Chewing of Paul Revere’s Sock”
“Meow Hear This and the Case of Feline Laryngitis”

I want my monies!

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Sometimes it pays to stay in bed in Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debuging Monday’s code.
Dan Salomon

Online Museum of the Week
Banned License Plates of New York:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Um, there’s a nasty slug between my golf ball and the hole. Ew.
Highlight here for answer: [slimy stymie]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, July 19th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Cafe Mundi
1704 E. 5th St.
Austin, TX
512-236-8634
http://www.cafemundi.com

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Back 2 the Drawring Bored
My blog is but a canvas; join me in communal art:

Happy Friday! How ’bout let’s all draw together? You wanna? Do not be afraid! Let the force flow through your mouse, touchpad, or other pointing device.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Fortune Cookie Fortunes!
by Southpaw Jones

• He who denied it must have supplied it.

• Use the word “retarded” sparingly.

• You might not make it.

• Gracious is the donor, and floppy are the organs.

• The early worm gets to be breakfast.

• Good food is worth the weight.

• If all else flails, try to sedate or restrain it.

• This fortune cookie factory is a cold, unforgiving rectangle.

• Honest friends and ice water help relieve the body of hot air.

• I am a humble little manuscript, and you have devoured my sugary shelter. Truly, the pupil has become the master, and I am at your service. Allow me to assault your enemies with papercuts or make me a swaddling cloth for your flavor-drained chewing gum.

Online Museum of the Week
H & K Wine Caddies:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

A tiny rock that sings soprano.
Highlight here for answer: [treble pebble]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

No shows this week!

Thursday, July 19th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Cafe Mundi
1704 E. 5th St.
Austin, TX
512-236-8634
http://www.cafemundi.com

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

I just called to say I love you.
I just called to say how much I care.
I just called to say I love you.
And I need a six of Shiner from the store.

You can lead a horse to water but not to the bottom of the ocean.

Unless it’s a seahorse.

See horse.
See horse run.
See my tux and cummerbund.
Is it prom?
Is it marriage?
Or are you now the King of Sverige?

Sweden is neat.
Sweden is far.
Can’t get to Sweden in a car.
Gotta have a boat.
Gotta have a plane.
Gotta traverse some wet terrain.

Neutral.
Meet the neutral.
It’s the live-and-let-us-live way.
A dabba doo day.
We’ll have a neutral time!

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

It’s odd that you can get so anesthetized by your own pain or your own problem that you don’t quite fully share the hell of someone close to you.
Lady Bird Johnson

Online Museum of the Week
H & K Wine Caddies:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Ms. Fleiss, your laundrymat is so clean! Aren’t you a…
Highlight here for answer: [tidy Heidi]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

No shows this week!

Thursday, July 19th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Cafe Mundi
1704 E. 5th St.
Austin, TX
512-236-8634
http://www.cafemundi.com

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Today is a sour day. I had to come in to work early today. We have traded rain for heat here in Central Texas.

One of the women in this place never fails to call me “little.” I’m thirty years old, and at least a foot taller than her squatty molehill of a body, yet she calls me “little buddy.” “Little pal.” “Little whipper-snapper.”

When she dies of a little incompetence or a little shock from a little look in a little mirror, I’d like to have a little camera installed in her little coffin so I can watch the little worms work their little way…

Oh, that’s a little dark, but I warned you.

Anytime I start the Gazette with “Today is a sour day,” you just turn elsewhere for positive blabbery.

Human beings are destroyers, don’t let anyone tell you different. There’d be a nice, colorful, active, balanced world here if it weren’t for us. Centuries from now, aliens will land on what they’ll call “The Concrete Planet,” where men and women once listened to white teenagers singing awful poetry on public airwaves. They watched movies about cars that turned into talking robots. It’s as if they longed to interact with machinery instead of each other. They used machinery to kill each other from far away.

They liked seafood.

They didn’t care about much.

They avoided their elders.

They just couldn’t figure out how to be happy.

They liked cheese and whine.

Is it because our survival needs are pretty well met around here? Every metropolitan area needs a loose lion, that’s what I say. Threatened survival makes us feel alive! Makes us feel like dancing! I wanna dance the work day away!

A common enemy would help, too. No one really goes for the true common enemies: ignorance, disease, apathy, global warming. They’re just not appealing, and they don’t have faces.

Perhaps we should carve a big frowning, fanged face on the moon, and call it Evil Night Ball the Pompous. Then we can whoop and holler at it all night, shaven monkeys holding hands in the darkness.

Purposeful. Resolved. Diligent. Benign.

Happy.

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Of all the creatures that were made he [man] is the most detestable. Of the entire brood he is the only one—the solitary one—that possesses malice. That is the basest of all instincts, passions, vices—the most hateful…He is the only creature that inflicts pain for sport, knowing it to be pain…Also—in all the list he is the only creature that has a nasty mind.
Mark Twain

Online Museum of the Week
H & K Wine Caddies:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I wouldn’t put that green stuff on your hot dog. It’s really nasty, and we’re calling it…
Highlight here for answer: [hellish relish]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

No shows this week!

Thursday, July 19th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Cafe Mundi
1704 E. 5th St.
Austin, TX
512-236-8634
http://www.cafemundi.com

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.