Southpaw Jones

Happy Friday before a 3-day weekend! Before I begin this morning, let me get something straight. Tapping a man’s foot in a public restroom is code for “I want gay sex now, please.” That’s clear now. But isn’t it also true that being an anti-gay Republican senator is code for “I want gay sex all the dang time, and I’m a bad, bad boy”? We’re all adults. We know what’s up.

Someone has to represent the interests of intolerant Idahoes, and it might as well be a raging, septuagenarian homosexual. My only question is: Can we get a new term out of this situation? Instead of closeted, we can call Senator Larry Craig a “stalled homosexual.” I like that.

If you’re secretly gay, you can tap a man’s toe in a public bathroom to feel out the situation. You can run your hand along the bottom of the stall. The evening news has taught us all the signals. Personally, I don’t want sex with another man, so I’m now going to be more stiff and awkward than ever when I go to relieve myself. Oh, well.

There’s the Public Restroom Code and the old Hanky Code, and it all makes me wonder how many other ways there are to signal that “Yes, indeedy, Ally Sheedy, I want gay sex ASAP!”

Post Office
“I would like three stamps, please. The kind you lick on.”

Grocery Store
Two tomatoes and a butter squash strategically positioned in your cart.

Sky Diving
“Geronimo!…was in my dream last night, riding bareback on a white stallllliiiionnnnnn…”

City Bus
“I want gay sex now.”

In Commuter Traffic
“Pardon me, do you have any gay poupon?”

Roller Coaster
“I’m ready to get off now.”

NASCAR Race
Watch the cars real intently like you give a damn.

DMV
Tap impatiently on your thighs and look around sighing like you have somewhere you really need to be.

You know, I’m all for other dudes having gay sex from the water heater to the rafters, but instant sex with strangers is just too good a thing for anybody. If I can’t have it, no one should. So there. Cut it out.

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Going on holiday to Gran Canaria today, woke up to the news that Tony Banks had died. There was a piece on the news about how everyone was shocked. Got me thinking, about an invention that’d be good: a watch that counted down your life. If it says you’ve got three days left, go to the doctor’s. Told Suzanne about invention, she said she wouldn’t buy one but she said that about the iPod.
Karl Pilkington

Online Museum of the Week
Matt Forderer:

Stillness

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

The lady who lives next door, um, she’s about to have a baby. I mean, her water just broke! What do I do? How am I supposed to respond to this…

Highlight here for answer: [neighbor labor]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, September 6th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

Today at my workplace, American Money Team, everyone is dressed the same. Not just “the same,” like lame slacks and bland shirts. I’m talking “the same” as in blue jeans and the exact same red shirt. We’re celebrating some financial milestone with visual unity today. The deal was this: Earlier in the week, folks came around handing out red t-shirts that feature big block text on the back regarding one billion dollars invested or handled or earned somewhere by someone. I don’t understand any of it, honestly. THEY said that if we wear the t-shirt on Thursday, typically a standard business casual day, we could wear jeans as if it were a Casual Friday! Hooray! [Actually, here, it’s called Dress Down Friday. Honk.]

So I was faced with a choice this morning: Dress in the usual weekday dork duds, or look like every other goober in the building and slip on that warm, comfortable, God-fearing, American denim. I chose comfort and conformity. I call it “comfortmity.”

Speaking of comfortmity, I had the unique opportunity to perform for a sorority on Tuesday evening with Austin’s faux boy band, C-Dar Fevar. Wow. That was the closest I will ever be to a Chippendales dancer. Imagine a movie theater filled with 150 or so college-age women in their prettiest summer dresses. (Use ‘em up before Labor Day, y’all!)

They would yell things like:
“Sexay!”
“Pledge Class 07!”
“Bethany, get up here!”
“Marry me, Justin!”

I should also point out that every single one of them was WHITE as newly-fallen snow. It was like the hottest little KKK rally since they stopped burning crosses.

We - C-Dar Fevar - performed one song, then we showed our video for “You Gave Me the Clap.” The rest of the show was a Boy Band Sing-Along, featuring Backstreet Boys, Boys II Men, N*SYNC, New Kids on the Block, and the like.

The ladies were decidedly NOT into NKOTB. Some of them were born as late as 1989, so that makes sense, but dang, it was strange to see. These were college-age, pretty, pop-oriented young women who couldn’t even begin to sing along with “Please Don’t Go Girl.” They actually requested that folks at the Drafthouse fast-forward through the remaining New Kids songs. Instead, they wanted to hear Hanson and LFO, whoever that is.

I felt ancient.

As they were filing out of the theater, one of them wearing a bright white dress with a bright white hat leaned over to me and said, in that sweet, sorority, worn-out, hoarse, Tara Reid voice, “We’re the party sorority.”

I somehow felt young again. An ancient, young, turned-on, disgusted, can’t look anymore, can’t turn away, bemused babysitter in a faux boy band, that’s me.

In the end, only one girl overheated from the excitement, the chocolate fountain was drained, multiple limousines drove away, and I was left thinking, “So many of these poor girls are going to marry total choads.”

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Every man should have a college education in order to show him how little the thing is really worth.
Elbert Hubbard

Online Museum of the Week
Matt Forderer:

Illuminatis of Indigenous Peoples

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Yes, I realize the show is not on the air anymore, but I really enjoy writing about J.R. Ewing. What a fascinating character! I’ve been working on one particular script so much lately, my writing hand is all thick and tough. I think I’m developing a…

Highlight here for answer: [Dallas callus]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 30th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

You don’t look the moon in the face and call it a liar. You just don’t. My friend Mintzy Oglethorp did that very thing, despite the advice of yours truly, and he drowned in an especially high tide one evening. Whoosh. The ocean is like a plaything to the moon. It’s a puppet, lifted to strike and released to fall clumsily according to its master’s bidding.

Mintzy thought he heard the moon promise him happiness one night when he was 16-years-old. Sally Conundrum had just run from his car, repulsed at some out-of-order idea he had proposed in a horny whisper. He ran after her trying to re-buckle his belt, and he tripped over a root, busting his head.

He told me that when he came to, he saw a big silver face in the sky, which said, “Don’t worry about it, son. There’s a big mound of joy and fulfillment waiting for you out there. Give it a little time.”

Mintzy thought twenty years was an exceedingly generous interpretation of “a little time.” He called the moon a liar, and he died within a week. I’ll say it again: Whoosh.

Some folks think he really did talk to the moon, most likely because they themselves have chatted with a celestial body or two. Others think he was already half-crazy, and the knot on his head sent him over the edge. Personally, I believe it was Flagrant Magillicutty who gave Mintzy those encouraging words. He’s a particularly pale, round-faced hermit who lives in a shack and loves to taunt teenagers with unrealistic dreams.

One time, I got stuck in a tree, and instead of helping me down, he told me I’d discover “satisfying office work.”

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Few things are as stimulating as other people’s calamities observed from a safe distance.
George Will

Online Museum of the Week
Matt Forderer:



Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That spoonful of tart dessert really packs a punch! Woo! Each bite is a…

Highlight here for answer: [dollop wallop]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 30th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

All the world’s a condo,
And all the men and women merely appliances.
Some are toasters, some are televisions.
Some are vacuums, some are ceiling fans.
Some are vibrators, some are refrigerators.
Some, unfortunately, are born to be toilets.
Porcelain gods.
Black bowled.
Texas teapots.
Skimming pools.

We call these people Sad Sacks.
The only reason I can talk about them with any modicum of humor is that I’m pretty sure I’m not one.
Blessed me!
Please, God, let it never be!

However, I don’t know about you, fair reader.
You may need to take the following test to find out your status.
Good luck, and apologies to Jeff Foxworthy.

You Might Be a Sad Sack if…

• …your child discovers sarcasm in the delivery room.

• …your dog dies choking on its new flea collar.

• …your boss keeps taking your stapler and moving your desk.

• …some THC crystals fall off your shirt and into your urine test.

• …you still have a W sticker on your car.

• …you still have a Kerry/Edwards ‘04 sticker on your car.

• …you go to the dentist and come out with pink eye.

• …you were christened Katrina Hussein Kucinich.

• …you’re jealous that Eleanor Rigby got to score all that free rice.

• …you accidentally sit on your lava lamp and stare at your chair all day.

• …your ring tone is the same song as the title sequence of an indie film your date directed ten years ago. Critically, the movie was a mixed bag. Financially, it was a well-publicized disaster. Your phone rings. She thinks you did it on purpose. You did. You thought it would be cute. She stabs.

• …you get a mole removed only to discover it was an alien marker placed on your shoulder so your true, hyper-intelligent parents could locate you and whisk you away to an advanced world where there is no death, disease, or disappointment. Your doctor tosses it in the garbage. Your shoulder becomes infected. You die of disease and disappointment.

If this test helped you come to the realization that you are a Sad Sack, I’m dreadfully sorry. Don’t shoot the messenger!

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because I thought there’d be something I’d miss that was funny in the future. If there’s a chance I’m going to laugh tomorrow then want to live to experience that.
Dave Navarro

Online Museum of the Week
Matt Forderer:

The Encounter

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

When I think about the shallow world of fashion, I get that acidic stuff rising up in my throat. What do you call that, doc?

Highlight here for answer: [style bile]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 30th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

Hello. I’m sorry it’s Monday. I did everything I could to stop its arrival. Perhaps a little music will help assuage this morning’s nastiness.

Certain people I could name [Owen Egerton] have recently asked, “If you’re a songwriter, how come there aren’t any songs on your blog?” It’s a fair question, and it deserves an answer. That answer, however, is long, boring, and excuse-laden, exactly the kind of thing I don’t like to include here. So instead of ruminating on the problem, I will focus instead on the remedy: Remedial Recordings.

Get it? The word “remedy” is right there buried in the word itself! AND it means “intended to correct or improve one’s skill in a specified field,” as in “remedial math.” You see, I’ve always wanted to record and present a lot of music online, but I always want it to sound really good and complete and intentional. Perhaps it’s time to loosen the reigns a bit, you know, for the sake of the song.

Remedial Recordings will help get my tunes out into the world, while simultaneously improving my ability to write, perform, and record music. That’s the idea, and today, I present you with my Flipnotics Theme Song. This was the song title challenge from my show with Matt the Electrician two weeks ago at Flipnotics @ the Triangle. We figured, why not celebrate the location of our new weekly show with a tune?

Luckily, when we performed our embryonic compositions on August 16, our friend and local audio archivist Joshua Cain was there to capture the magic. Thanks to him, here is my effort:

Yes, your ears do not deceive, that is a key-tar. This is the kind of fun you’re missing if you’re not at Flipnotics @ the Triangle every Thursday! Please let me know if the audio player does not work on your computer. Feel free to follow along with the lyrics:

Flipnotics Theme Song

I don’t wanna stare
I don’t wanna balk
I don’t wanna hear your parrot talk
I don’t wanna judge
But it’s too late
Your little sister filled out great

I don’t wanna jog
I don’t wanna drive
I don’t wanna see if your dog’s alive
I don’t wanna smoke
Don’t wanna catch a flick
I don’t wanna see your tongue ring trick

I’ve had so much caffeine
Now all I can do is Flipnotics
I’ve had so much Flipnotics
Now all I can do is caffeine

I don’t wanna binge
I don’t wanna purge
I don’t want an update on the surge
I don’t wanna cook
I don’t wanna stretch
I don’t wanna hear your mom kvetch

I’ve had so much caffeine
Now all I can do is Flipnotics
I’ve had so much Flipnotics
Now all I can do is caffeine

I don’t want a Spider
I don’t want no guava
And I don’t want to go to Austin Java
Ee-oh ee-oh let’s go to Flipnotics
Ee-oh ee-oh let’s go, let’s go…

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

I believe humans get a lot done, not because we’re smart, but because we have thumbs so we can make coffee.
Flash Rosenberg

Online Museum of the Week
Matt Forderer:

Rooster Zebra Contemplating Grilled Cheese Sandwich

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I want a machine that will chop up my coffee beans in a more gentle, considerate way. Do you have a…

Highlight here for answer: [kinder grinder]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 30th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!