Southpaw Jones

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Yes, for a month now, I’ve been entering David Letterman’s Online Top Ten Contest, and I haven’t had a single item selected. That means I haven’t won a t-shirt. But I keep going, keep striving, and someday, it’s gonna get me somewhere, and I shall have a casually clothed torso for free.

Last week, the topic was Signs the Space Shuttle Astronauts Have Been Drinking. HERE are my suggestions, and HERE are the unfunny winners. I mean, really, one winner was “They do a shot every time they circle the earth.” Um, that’s not a sign they’ve been drinking, that’s a blatant procedure for drinking. Yes, it’s just a silly talk show gimmick, but I have always found the List to be a logical universe of joke-dom, and we can’t have random citizens defiling the tradition. Again, I ask: Who judges this thing?

And now, my attempts for this week:

Top Ten [Nay, TWELVE] Least Popular Presidential Campaign Promises

12. More accomplished missions.

11. An end to violets.

10. Forget alternative fuel, fund research of alternative rock!

9. A return to rational thought.

8. Mandatory polygamy.

7. More bubbles per bottle! (Sorry, that’s a champagne promise.)

6. Bring the troops home…to attack anti-war protestors.

5. Retroactive paper clip tax.

4. A New Day in America, a New Coke for All.

3. Cheaper gas, but you have to pay inside.

2. Equal opportunity military aggression against people of all colors and creeds who don’t pose any threat to us.

1. Cleavage!

This is my week, I can feel it!

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

To predict the behavior of ordinary people in advance, you only have to assume that they will always try to escape a disagreeable situation with the smallest possible expenditure of intelligence.
Friedrich Nietzsche, an evil man who poked God in the eye to see if he was alive.

Online Museum of the Week
Walking Illusions [For Sale!]:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

There was a crazy brawl, because everybody wanted the last tasty, underground mushroom. Did you see the…
Highlight here for answer: [truffle scuffle]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 9th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.