Southpaw Jones

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Congratulations, Barry Bonds! You juicer (alleged)! You prick (proven)! You did it!

AT&T Park was abuzz last night, which reminds me, I need to pick up an iPhone. Thank you, National Pastime, for using public funds to put up a massive reminder that AT&T exists. Thank god someone breaks a record from time to time, or else I’d forget to renew my cell phone contract.

756 Major League Home Runs. Let me type that out in a southern accent: Seven-hunurd an’ fifty-see-ux! I certainly haven’t written that many songs. I haven’t had sex that many times!

Speaking of which, isn’t Viagra a performance-enhancing drug? If one has major league sex with a little help from a blue pill, does one have to put an * beside it in one’s personal record book? Let me know.

Good god, what am I doing writing about baseball?

In Spanish, it’s “béisbol.” I’d rather it be “pelota de basamento” personally.

There is one important thing to remember in the Barry Bonds legacy, my friends. It’s not the power hitting. It’s not the shaky state of baseball’s innocence. It’s not the Giants, AT&T, Sports Illustrated, or maple bats. It’s not the question of steroids or the numerous public relations missteps. It’s not Hank Aaron’s graceful surrender by video. It’s not the color of Barry’s skin or his bald head or his age.

Do you sense where I’m going with this?

Barry Bonds is one of many great, accomplished Southpaws. For that and for being strong and for 756 home runs, I give him mad props. We left-handers will take over the world someday, Barry, and I’m glad you’re on my team. Righties just don’t understand us. Righties only know how to criticize and hold us back. Righties can’t believe the things we accomplish. They’re jealous and fearful. Don’t Trust Righty!

When President Barack Obama asks us to be in his left-handed cabinet with Jon Stewart and Bill Clinton and resurrected Kurt Cobain, I want to be the first to shake your hand.

You know which hand, brother. Way to represent!


Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

I think of doing a series as very hard work. But then I’ve talked to coal miners, and that’s really hard work.
William Shatner

Online Museum of the Week
Walking Illusions [For Sale!]:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

She makes money by proctoring little tests. She’s in the…
Highlight here for answer: [quiz biz]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 9th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!