Southpaw Jones

Welcome to the new and improved Southpaw Jones Gazette! What do you think? How’s it look?

First Lines
Introductions to classic works I will never finish:

The gracious everglade pixie Morning Dew had flown through three storms and across seven highways to pick up an abused suburban bunny named Shorn. Shorn’s “caretaker” was a vicious ten-year-old boy with a penchant for ear-pulling and an endless supply of matches, rubber bands, and creative ideas.

Morning Dew heard about Shorn through a helpful and hopelessly drug-addicted grackle with a pierced beak and trembling wings. Morning Dew provides mushroom caps, peyote, and occasionally pixie dust in exchange for the straight dope on abused pets in town. He rationalizes to his wife, “If that mite-riddled flapper doesn’t get the good, natural stuff from me, he’s going to end up snorting Comet with those hummingbirds.”

Morning Dew’s wife doesn’t argue. She has a secret.

Shorn was bracing himself for some Monday after-school torture when Morning Dew swooped in trailing more glitter than a homemade valentine, third grade, peer to peer.

“Shorn! Do not be afraid! Let me help you. I come from the wooded woods of Leafington. You can stay with my wife and me. Let’s go!”

Morning Dew was like nothing Shorn had ever seen. This made Shorn more skeptical than amazed.

“I…I’ll stay with you and your wife? Forever?

“No, Shorn, we run a half-way program for beautiful creatures just like you. We’ll get you ready for forest life, and you’ll be on your own. A free bunny! Now pack your things quickly. I’ll explain everything as we fly far away from here!”

“Oh, I don’t know. I can’t fly. And my owner really seems to depend on exploiting me to work out his childhood demons. I suspect only a couple more scorchings should put him right and set him on a proper course for adulthood. Yes, I think right here is the best place for me. Thanks anyway.”

Morning Dew had nothing but pity for this ragged white sack in its rusty cage. “Shorn, you’re delusional. You’ve got to do what’s right for yourself now. Bunnies in your situation don’t get to see their hair turn gray. That boy is going to kill you.”

Shorn bit his lip and thought hard. “My hair is going to turn gray? All of it? That’s grody.”

Morning Dew heard the school bus brakes squeak at the end of the block, and he knew he had no time to argue with this poor, poor creature. He blasted the cage door off with white hot light, gave Shorn the Pixie Kiss of Temporary Sleep, and scooped him up and out in the Heimlich position.

A ten-year-old boy missed their flight by mere seconds. He ran into the backyard with math homework, a juice box, and three bottle rockets. He wore his most expectant expression, which would only reappear five years later, en route to the touching of his first boob.

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

I felt more and more alienated. I didn’t feel included in George’s thinking or his plans. I wasn’t his partner in anything any longer. He was surrounded by yes-men. When I challenged him about it he said: ‘Well I’d hate to be surrounded by no-men.’
Patti Boyd, on ex-husband George Harrison

Online Museum of the Week
T-Shirts from Lollapalooza 2007:



Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Crazy Spanish chocolate!

Highlight here for answer: [loco cocoa]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 16th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!