Southpaw Jones

Today at my workplace, American Money Team, everyone is dressed the same. Not just “the same,” like lame slacks and bland shirts. I’m talking “the same” as in blue jeans and the exact same red shirt. We’re celebrating some financial milestone with visual unity today. The deal was this: Earlier in the week, folks came around handing out red t-shirts that feature big block text on the back regarding one billion dollars invested or handled or earned somewhere by someone. I don’t understand any of it, honestly. THEY said that if we wear the t-shirt on Thursday, typically a standard business casual day, we could wear jeans as if it were a Casual Friday! Hooray! [Actually, here, it’s called Dress Down Friday. Honk.]

So I was faced with a choice this morning: Dress in the usual weekday dork duds, or look like every other goober in the building and slip on that warm, comfortable, God-fearing, American denim. I chose comfort and conformity. I call it “comfortmity.”

Speaking of comfortmity, I had the unique opportunity to perform for a sorority on Tuesday evening with Austin’s faux boy band, C-Dar Fevar. Wow. That was the closest I will ever be to a Chippendales dancer. Imagine a movie theater filled with 150 or so college-age women in their prettiest summer dresses. (Use ‘em up before Labor Day, y’all!)

They would yell things like:
“Sexay!”
“Pledge Class 07!”
“Bethany, get up here!”
“Marry me, Justin!”

I should also point out that every single one of them was WHITE as newly-fallen snow. It was like the hottest little KKK rally since they stopped burning crosses.

We - C-Dar Fevar - performed one song, then we showed our video for “You Gave Me the Clap.” The rest of the show was a Boy Band Sing-Along, featuring Backstreet Boys, Boys II Men, N*SYNC, New Kids on the Block, and the like.

The ladies were decidedly NOT into NKOTB. Some of them were born as late as 1989, so that makes sense, but dang, it was strange to see. These were college-age, pretty, pop-oriented young women who couldn’t even begin to sing along with “Please Don’t Go Girl.” They actually requested that folks at the Drafthouse fast-forward through the remaining New Kids songs. Instead, they wanted to hear Hanson and LFO, whoever that is.

I felt ancient.

As they were filing out of the theater, one of them wearing a bright white dress with a bright white hat leaned over to me and said, in that sweet, sorority, worn-out, hoarse, Tara Reid voice, “We’re the party sorority.”

I somehow felt young again. An ancient, young, turned-on, disgusted, can’t look anymore, can’t turn away, bemused babysitter in a faux boy band, that’s me.

In the end, only one girl overheated from the excitement, the chocolate fountain was drained, multiple limousines drove away, and I was left thinking, “So many of these poor girls are going to marry total choads.”

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Every man should have a college education in order to show him how little the thing is really worth.
Elbert Hubbard

Online Museum of the Week
Matt Forderer:

Illuminatis of Indigenous Peoples

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Yes, I realize the show is not on the air anymore, but I really enjoy writing about J.R. Ewing. What a fascinating character! I’ve been working on one particular script so much lately, my writing hand is all thick and tough. I think I’m developing a…

Highlight here for answer: [Dallas callus]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 30th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!