Southpaw Jones

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Have I been a Negative Nelly this week? Rove-bashing? Whining about co-workers? This is not the blog I daydreamed about when I was five years old!

It’s Friday, and I’m determined to be positive, so here are some things that I found to be the cat’s pajamas this week:

Bruce Springsteen with the Sessions Band – Live in Dublin: I’ve always enjoyed The Boss’s live recordings more than his excellent studio work, and this is no exception. This collection is 2 CDs containing 23 tracks: rejuvenated folk songs, inspiring Civil Rights Era sing-a-longs, and completely reinterpreted Springsteen classics.

The intent of the studio Seeger Sessions record seemed to be having a good time with great songs that Pete Seeger popularized. The Boss went further on the subsequent tour, turning the show into a masters course in 20th Century Music History.

It’s more fun than I’m making it out to be, trust me. This is one of the loudest CDs I’ve ever heard, with banjo, accordion, horns, bass, steel guitar, back-up singers, guitars, and audience all roaring at the same time. It fills every frequency your stereo can handle and then some. Try it as a stimulant on a road trip or on the way to work in the morning.

How’s Your News? – I found out about this playful documentary on an episode of This American Life, the wonderful radio show. The film follows five reporters with mental and physical disabilities from the East Coast to the West. They interview anyone and everyone, trying to find out what’s up in Tennessee, Texas, and “just plain” Virginia. They have a great time, and I found myself envious of these “handicapped” folks. Their days are filled with giving/receiving love and really, really enjoying music. As they interview “normal” people, you have to ask yourself, “Which of these people is more disabled?” It’s a sweet film. “God bless you, real good.”

Kirbey Lane’s Paris Texas Platter – Migas covered in queso AND French Toast in the same meal. You wouldn’t think these two would get along, but they do. Marvelously. They have no time for pretense, and they seek only to please your tongue.

Barton Springs – My, oh, my, Sunday was the perfect day for it. 100 degrees and sunny. Get some rays in the grass until you get hot, jump in the 68 degree water until you get cold. Repeat, repeat, repeat. It’s a miracle.

Happy Friday! Come back Monday!

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

The true test of intelligence is not how much we know how to do, but how to behave when we don’t know what to do.
John Caldwell Holt

Online Museum of the Week
T-Shirts from Lollapalooza 2007:



Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I’m done with four-leafed plants! I’m tired of green lucky charms! I’m just…

Highlight here for answer: [over clover]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Friday, August 17th, 2007
7:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Cafe Mundi
1704 E. 5th St.
Austin, TX
512-236-8634
http://www.cafemundi.com
It’s the Cafe Mundi Anniversary Celebration!

I know, sometimes it’s fun to talk for the sake of talking, but at least come up with some juicy gossip before you send that pie-hole a’flappin’.

The following verbal ejaculations are obvious. Some are cliché. They only accentuate the torture. Please, if you work with other people, and you care about their comfort, particularly before noon, keep these gems in your gawl-durn gob:

• “Is it five o’clock yet?”
• “Rain makes me tired.”
• “When does the new season of Idol start?”
• “This week is just creeping along, isn’t it?”
• “You look tired.”
• “I love bringing breakfast for you guys, I really do. I just wish someone else would chip in from time to time. We could have a chart with rotating teams…”
• “So you’re a musician on the outside?”
• “Is your Internet slow today?”
• “Is anybody else hot?”
• “Is anybody else cold?”
• “Is anybody else going through an existential crisis?”
• “This mistake doesn’t matter in the long run, and I don’t care personally, but let me show you what you did wrong.”
• “This is the day that the Lord hath made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.”
• “You wear that shirt a lot.”
• “You’re awful quiet today. Is anything wrong?”
• “Don’t drink the coffee this morning. It’s nasty!”
• “I gotta start running. I am SO fat right now.” [Avoid this especially if you are thinner than your audience.]
• “Our department is so crazy! I love it!”
• “Good morning - what’s your little nickname - Southpaw?”

This public service announcement brought to you by The Southpaw Jones Gazette.

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Never lose sight of the fact that the most important yardstick of your success will be how you treat other people - your family, friends, and coworkers, and even strangers you meet along the way.
Barbara Bush

Online Museum of the Week
T-Shirts from Lollapalooza 2007:



Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I’m afraid Mr. Doodle is in a foul mood this morning. You could call him a…

Highlight here for answer: [cranky Yankee]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 16th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

This is NOT a political blog, but dang it, Humpty Dumpty is gone. Karl Rove may be most responsible for the current state of American politics. The current president. The current war. The current mess. Good-bye is too good a word, babe!

His departure does not bring me the joy I thought it might. I mean, he destroyed the world, now he gets to go on vacation. I actively try to not destroy the world, yet hear I sit in a sterile cubicle on a cloudless day.

This is NOT a pity party blog.

Two Karl Rove stories are stuck in my mind, and they’re both alleged. Wink wink. Nudge nudge. Yeah, right.

The first involves George Bush’s gubernatorial race against the late, great Ann Richards in 1994. SOMEONE had a group of “pollsters” call voters and ask if they would be “more or less likely to vote for Governor Richards if [they] knew her staff is dominated by lesbians.” Hmm. Governor Richards lost. She was immensely popular, and I still can’t believe it.

The second occurred during the 2000 Republican primary. John McCain was doing rather well. Remember him? SOMEONE initiated a South Carolina Push Poll, asking voters, “Would you be more likely or less likely to vote for John McCain for president if you knew he had fathered an illegitimate black child?” Of course, this is a wretched, evil twisting of the fact that McCain and his wife adopted a Bangladeshi girl from Mother Teresa’s orphanage. Her name is Bridget and she has dark skin. WHOEVER included that question in a poll is a piece of trash.

So the question of the day is this: What if Karl Rove were running a campaign against really, really tough historical competition? How low could he go?

Like, say, versus Mother Teresa herself:

“Would you be more likely or less likely to vote for Mother Teresa if you knew she stuffed oatmeal in the mouth of a dying man who hates America?”

Jesus:

“Would you be more likely or less likely to vote for Jesus of Nazereth if you knew he performed terrorist acts against merchants in a Jewish temple?”

Mister Rogers:

“Would you be more likely or less likely to vote for Fred Rogers if you knew that his cardigan was made of hemp?”

The Blessed Virgin Mary:

““Would you be more likely or less likely to vote for Mary if you knew she seduced Our Maker at the age of fourteen?”

They aren’t so far-fetched, are they?

What gets me about Karl Rove is that he thinks he has led a life of public service, strategy, and accomplishment. The truth is, he’s a Grade-A destroyer. I cannot think of one decent memory or anecdote I can attach to his name.

Well, come to think of it, there is the fact that he inadvertently but severely wounded the Republican Party for years to come. I guess every round-faced, pasty, clammy, Machiavellian, pompous, honky cloud has a silver lining.

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

This is one of the most intellectually gifted presidents we’ve had.
Karl Rove, on President George W. Bush

Online Museum of the Week
T-Shirts from Lollapalooza 2007:



Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Mr. Rogers! That first cloned sheep is riding that thing that goes to the Neighborhood of Make-Believe! Are you going to rename it the…

Highlight here for answer: [dolly trolley]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 16th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

That’s right, it’s official. Not that I ever had any doubt. My girlfriend Maggie is a member of Spank Dance Company here in Austin. Led by Ellen Bartel, they dress alike, move alike, fight over things, and fill rooms and public parks with graceful motion. It’s a beautiful thing.

A few weeks ago, the four dancers posed for artists at a Dr. Sketchy event, then at David Ohlerking’s Austin Figurative Gallery. The results of that second session were on display Saturday night.

The room was not air-conditioned. It was a hot, humid night. And representations of my lady were all over the place. Some quite realistic, others impressionist, a few abstract. Some were priced at $50, others $1500.

I’ll admit it. I’m not very visually engaged in the world around me, but I like standing in an art gallery from time to time. If you don’t feel like mingling - and who does? - you can just stare at something and pretend you have more of an analysis than, “That looks awesome! Neat-o-puskeeto!”

Art is a language that escapes me, and yet, I have clear likes and dislikes. I just can’t begin to tell you why like or dislike something. “Something in the way she doesn’t move affects me like no other patron.”

The ladies of Spank Dance Company were at the gallery, and they performed one of their dances to great effect. Of course, the already hot room was made all the hotter by everyone packing in to see them dance. And they were the sweatiest of all, dressed in their traditional black dresses, wigs, and striped socks.

Luckily no one passed out. We all just swooned a bit. Maggie and I bought two pieces by Miranda Mueller, who had several excellent canvases scattered on the walls. Yes, I went to an art gallery, watched a modern dance, and purchased a painting. I also drink V8 and whiskey from time to time, but never the same time. I’m an adult, you see.

Maggie moves with grace, ease, and character. She has a day job, just like me, but she doesn’t let that hold her back. She stays busy helping to make sure that Austin remains the coolest town since Atlantis. She is beautiful in 3D and 2D alike.

I would cut off an ear-and-a-half for her.

Van Gogh the distance.

Easel his painting.

If you gild it, he will come.

You see what she has to deal with?

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.
Steve Martin

Online Museum of the Week
T-Shirts from Lollapalooza 2007:



Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

This letter is so sweet and kindly written! Who could have mailed it? Who was its…

Highlight here for answer: [tender sender]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 16th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

Welcome to the new and improved Southpaw Jones Gazette! What do you think? How’s it look?

First Lines
Introductions to classic works I will never finish:

The gracious everglade pixie Morning Dew had flown through three storms and across seven highways to pick up an abused suburban bunny named Shorn. Shorn’s “caretaker” was a vicious ten-year-old boy with a penchant for ear-pulling and an endless supply of matches, rubber bands, and creative ideas.

Morning Dew heard about Shorn through a helpful and hopelessly drug-addicted grackle with a pierced beak and trembling wings. Morning Dew provides mushroom caps, peyote, and occasionally pixie dust in exchange for the straight dope on abused pets in town. He rationalizes to his wife, “If that mite-riddled flapper doesn’t get the good, natural stuff from me, he’s going to end up snorting Comet with those hummingbirds.”

Morning Dew’s wife doesn’t argue. She has a secret.

Shorn was bracing himself for some Monday after-school torture when Morning Dew swooped in trailing more glitter than a homemade valentine, third grade, peer to peer.

“Shorn! Do not be afraid! Let me help you. I come from the wooded woods of Leafington. You can stay with my wife and me. Let’s go!”

Morning Dew was like nothing Shorn had ever seen. This made Shorn more skeptical than amazed.

“I…I’ll stay with you and your wife? Forever?

“No, Shorn, we run a half-way program for beautiful creatures just like you. We’ll get you ready for forest life, and you’ll be on your own. A free bunny! Now pack your things quickly. I’ll explain everything as we fly far away from here!”

“Oh, I don’t know. I can’t fly. And my owner really seems to depend on exploiting me to work out his childhood demons. I suspect only a couple more scorchings should put him right and set him on a proper course for adulthood. Yes, I think right here is the best place for me. Thanks anyway.”

Morning Dew had nothing but pity for this ragged white sack in its rusty cage. “Shorn, you’re delusional. You’ve got to do what’s right for yourself now. Bunnies in your situation don’t get to see their hair turn gray. That boy is going to kill you.”

Shorn bit his lip and thought hard. “My hair is going to turn gray? All of it? That’s grody.”

Morning Dew heard the school bus brakes squeak at the end of the block, and he knew he had no time to argue with this poor, poor creature. He blasted the cage door off with white hot light, gave Shorn the Pixie Kiss of Temporary Sleep, and scooped him up and out in the Heimlich position.

A ten-year-old boy missed their flight by mere seconds. He ran into the backyard with math homework, a juice box, and three bottle rockets. He wore his most expectant expression, which would only reappear five years later, en route to the touching of his first boob.

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

I felt more and more alienated. I didn’t feel included in George’s thinking or his plans. I wasn’t his partner in anything any longer. He was surrounded by yes-men. When I challenged him about it he said: ‘Well I’d hate to be surrounded by no-men.’
Patti Boyd, on ex-husband George Harrison

Online Museum of the Week
T-Shirts from Lollapalooza 2007:



Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Crazy Spanish chocolate!

Highlight here for answer: [loco cocoa]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 16th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!