Southpaw Jones

My latest personal cultural education and rejuvenation project involves an MP3-CD of the Month. That’s what my car plays, MP3-CDs, which hold a few dozen songs.

Each month, I’ll put together a collection of things I love, things I think I might love, and things people tell me I should love. I listen to it in the car when I’m not checking in on NPR. September’s disc included Glen Campbell, The Flaming Lips, and yes, a lot of Aerosmith.

I was a huge fan of the band in junior high, right up until someone broke into our house and stole every last one of my Aerosmith CDs. I never replaced them, and I never recovered my enthusiasm. I moved on to They Might Be Giants and never looked back.

Fifteen years later, I’m finally ready to face those old demons. Give me some Angel, Sweet Emotion, What it Takes, Love in an Elevator, and I feel young and dumb and alive and naive once more.

Now the list:

1. Steven Tyler is neither man nor woman, white nor black, human nor alien.

2. Joe Perry has a unique, recognizable lead guitar style. His spends a lot of his solos on the lower half of the neck, playing mid-range notes instead of constant, stereotypical, ear-piercing soprano bends.

3. Their recordings are loud but never lazy, full but never fuzzy.

4. They have maintained a rather consistent mainstream presence for over thirty years, gathering up new, young fans every time they decide that’s what they want to do.

5. “Walk This Way” with Run-D.M.C.! Groundbreaking rap-rock combination thanks to producer Rick Rubin!

6. Steven Tyler loves to sing harmonies with himself in the studio, and he never sings a chorus the same way twice.

7. Their logo is pretty cool, you have to admit.

8. They used to do lots of drugs, which is cool for rock stars, but now they’re completely sober, which is cool for middle-aged men.

9. The same five guys have been together (with the exception of one major break-up) since 1973!

10. They directly influenced Guns N’ Roses, Bon Jovi, Nirvana, and many other contributors to hard rock history.

Oh, and they never took/take themselves too seriously! That’s #11. America’s Greatest Rock and Roll Band? I can’t say for certain, but I’d certainly argue the point before a jury of reasonable folks.

We believed that anything worth doing was worth overdoing.
Steven Tyler

suicide food: animals that desire to be eaten. sickening.




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

You can see the vineyard out the window there. These are the ultra-deluxe barrels in which we store our best grape’s juices. In this closet you’ll notice the evening gowns and tuxedos we wear when we’re working in the field or here in the basement. We think it makes the product taste better. What do you think of our…

Highlight here for answer: [winery finery]



Thursday, October 11th, 2007
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

Matt the Electrician and I once performed at a lovely yoga studio and music venue in Dallas called Bend Studio. I get e-mail updates from them occasionally, and I thought I should share this one:

Scott rescued 6 black lab (mix) puppies out of the middle of the road on Saturday. PLEASE help me find them homes - otherwise, it’s Animal Control - which means they only have 5 days. We’ve bathed them, sprayed them for fleas and wormed them….but we can’t keep them. They are currently in a kennel in my basement since I don’t have a fence. I’ve lost count of the number of rescue groups that I’ve contacted, only to be turned down due to no room. Please check with every dog person you know to see if they need a puppy.

Thanks,
Christi

I can’t handle a dog myself due to my restrictive lease and my swingin’ lifestyle and the fact that I’m not fond of dogs, but if you are able and willing to care for one of these sad-eyed lovers, and you are able to get to Dallas to grab one up, please contact Ally David one of the following ways:

email: bendstudio@gmail.com
phone: 214.606.0770
web: www.bendstudio.com

Thanks!

Everything takes me longer than I expect. It’s the sad truth about life.
Donna Tartt

suicide food: animals that desire to be eaten. sickening.




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

You are victorious! You get to take home an male singer with a rather high voice. Ladies and gentlemen, how about a round of applause for our…

Highlight here for answer: [tenor winner]



Thursday, October 11th, 2007
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

I’m writing a novel starting today. On this here blog, no less. I have no plan. I have no outline, no characters. I’ve never written a novel before. It’s time. No more excuses. It’s called, let’s see, um, Separation of Church and Kate: A Novel. Wish me luck:

Roland was only five feet from Marvin when he shot him three times. Marvin shot Roland, I should clarify. Would there have been a shooting had they been “she” and “her”? Debatable.

One thing you could feed to a truth-eating dragon is this: Marvin felt no remorse. He even giggled a little when he pulled the trigger, loaded the BB, pumped the pump, pulled the trigger, loaded the BB, pumped the pump, and pulled the trigger a final time with a flare of elder satisfaction.

He owed his younger brother three shots in the butt for the supposedly not-on-purpose breaking of his favorite vase. He had named it “Glacier Blue.” Most boys liked to play with action figures, tanks, and rope swings, but Marvin preferred his vase collection. And since you can’t punish annoying little brats with a vase, he also kept a clean air rifle, as at-the-ready as an air rifle can be.

TO BE CONTINUED

My generation of radicals and breakers-down never found anything to take the place of the old virtues of work and courage and the old graces of courtesy and politeness.
F. Scott Fitzgerald

suicide food: animals that desire to be eaten. sickening.




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Old Mr. Wind just has to blow. He has no choice but to puff. And when the world needs a stiff, quick blast, he simply…

Highlight here for answer: [must gust]



Thursday, October 11th, 2007
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

It’s Friday! I feel like writing some terrible office-based poetry that would make me gag if I hadn’t typed it myself.

Lava Lamp!
Glowing.
Growing?
Resting.
Nesting?
Festering like a sty in my mind’s eye.
What was once counter-culture
Is now my desk vulture.

Highlighter!
You break from opaque.
You don’t cross out words.
You make them better.
Every letter.
Brighter than before.
Made up like a whore.

Let me transfer you.
I can’t answer your question, MA’AM.
I swear we’re not running a SCAM.
I work to support my FAM.
Can I borrow that gavel, judge? BLAM.

White out.
Forgiving without question.
Covering my past.
Rendering my blemishes invisible.
Am I perfect?
Who can know?
I make mistakes
But they don’t show.
If I had a black 3-ring binder…
If I was in Junior High and angry…
If I wore a trench coat and had greasy hair…
If I was artistic…
I would use you
To
Make
A
Nice
Anarchy symbol on there.
An A for all to C.

Blech!

Wealth after all is a relative thing since he that has little and wants less is richer than he that has much and wants more.
Charles Caleb Colton

Vintage American Paperbacks




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Listen up. I’m trying to lose weight by speaking softly. Researchers have found that whispering takes more energy than speaking at a normal volume. I’m watching the calories melt away thanks to my…

Highlight here for answer: [quiet diet]



Thursday, October 11th, 2007
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

Austinites! Come on out to Flipnotics @ the Triangle tonight for the return of one Matt the Electrician. 8 pm!

I have a fresh, awful, wonderful new recording for you this morning. Do you want to know the two events that influenced its creation?

1. I watched the documentary Fearless Freaks featuring the Flaming Lips this week.
2. I had trouble getting to sleep last night, so I needed a personal lullaby.

This took about an hour to record, and the lyrics are as follows:

I knelt in secret
Beside your bed
I lived in wonder
Inside your head

When time spoke for me
It said a lot
I meant to thank him
But I forgot

I considered keeping the whole thing to myself, but the ending makes me giggle, so I simply must share. Try not to think about what I was thinking, feeling, or wearing. Enjoy:

Much melancholy has devolved upon mankind, and it is detestable to me that might will triumph in the end … Art must not serve might.
Karel Čapek

Vintage American Paperbacks




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Alright, we’re heading into that courtroom. Who knows when this will all be over. I want our entire team to appear confident, assured, and happy. So slap on your best…

Highlight here for answer: [trial smile]



Thursday, October 4th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!