Southpaw Jones

Happy Friday! Learn more about the 2008 Naked Calendar (in which I appear with Cedar Fever) right here: http://www.statesman.com/blogs/content/shared-gen/blogs/austin/kelso/

In all the holiday craziness, I forgot to provide a fresh list of Interesting October Search Strings that Led Internet Users to Southpawjones.com! Forgive my omission, por favor.

I should note that many items on the list contain the word “hummer.” I ignore these. I gotta say, whatever definition of that word folks are after, they must be sorely disappointed with my site. That makes me smile.

Here is the very real list with my comments in parentheses.

• michigan sucks (surely the web will back me up on this)

• dancing mummies (apparently Oedipus is surfing now)

• dancing mummys (apparently Oedipus can’t spell)

• Scott rescued 6 black lab (mix) puppies out of the middle of the road on Saturday (good for Scott)

• falling from ladder (a How-To search?)

• financial puns (that doesn’t make cents)

• five string guitar (you’ve come to the right place, friend)

• muddin crashes (inevitable, really)

• one for the thing yes sir yes sir

• Feline Laryngitis (meow?)

• Glacial tires (I know I’m late again, I don’t know what the problem is!)

• Limber the dessert (meet Yoga the Appetizer)

• Would you tremble if i touched your leg (let’s just not find out, ok?)

• jazz as a euphemism for sex (folk as a euphemism for celibacy)

Writing and travel broaden your ass if not your mind and I like to write standing up.
Ernest Hemingway

New Ways to Play with an Old Hardware




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That big cylindrical container just rolled out of the woods! I think it’s wild, and you’d be a fool to try and tame that…

Highlight here for answer: [feral barrel]

Wednesday, November 14th, 2007
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
Austin, TX
dickmonologues.com
SOLD OUT!

Thursday, November 15th, 2007
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

This is not a warning sign or a cry for help. Can I just try a little satirical wordplay? Jeez!

• America(‘s government)

• Seeing the world (and all the suffering therein)

• Love (letters I wrote in college still out there somewhere)

• Songs (I wrote in junior high still out there somewhere)

• Sex (tape still out there somewhere)

• Summer (spent in a cubicle)

• Winter(time)

• Music (Business)

• Family (gatherings)

• Ocean (Pacific t-shirt doesn’t fit anymore)

• Desert(ed by God and man)

• Dessert (discouraged by significant other)

• River (Phoenix is gone.)

• People would be disappointed (that I don’t have any money to bequeath.)

• It’s illegal (to smoke grass.)

• Faith(-based wackos)

• Children (always grow up to be adults.)

• Letterman (of the 1980s isn’t available on DVD.)

The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets successfully through many a bad night.
Nietzsche

New Ways to Play with an Old Hardware




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Ok, we’re going to rob this coffeehouse, but I don’t want any hot beverages. Just take all the cold and frozen drinks. I want this to be a totally…

Highlight here for answer: [iced heist]

Thursday, November 8th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

Day 3 of the great Caffeine Detox of 2007. I’ve reached midway in this mysterious journey, and I can see the brown cup of hot coffee at the end of the tunnel. That’ll be Saturday morning.

Anyways, George W. Bush. He hates people, government, and libraries, yet somehow, he’ll end up with a Public Presidential Library. Here are some ideas from aspiring designers:

1. Strict two-syllable maximum.

2. “History” section covers only the imagined future wherein Bush is hailed as a visionary and the Mideast looks like Tampa.

3. A picture is worth a thousand words. Lots of pictures = more impressive word count.

4. A very short celebration of Laura Bush’s only facial expression.

5. A somber display of the potato chip that almost assassinated our great leader.

6. An index card detailing the domestic improvements of his eight years in office (presented in rather large font).

7. A collage of fish caught and brush cleared.

8. A holding area for Osama bin Laden in case he shows up to look around.

9. Warehouse of resignation letters and silenced whistleblowers.

10. An uplifting final room emphasizing that “It Could Have Been Worse.”

I believe that if you don’t want to do anything, then sit there and don’t do it, but don’t expect people to hand you a corn beef sandwich and wash your socks for you and unzip your fly for you.
Shel Silverstein

New Ways to Play with an Old Hardware




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I’ll tell you why I’m putting his name on my big sign above the entrance. He is a nobleman, ranking above a count, and he is visiting our theatre tonight. I think he deserves respect and recognition. So that explains my…

Highlight here for answer: [marquis marquee]

Thursday, November 8th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

A paperclip is like a match-maker for sheets of paper. “You two should go out. Spend a little time together. See what you think.”

A stapler presides over much more serious bindings. “Dearly dried pulp, we are gathered here today to link Page One to Page Two in holy report.”

The staple-remover plays the part of the lawyer, and I’ve got a little dorky drama to keep my mind occupied today.

Day 2 of my Caffeine Detox means I’ve gone 24 hours without coffee, green tea, soda, or any other stimulating beverage. It’s not easy, but I’m learning a great deal about my natural, boring self. For instance: I can be a cranky mother-grabber in the morning.

I’ll head to the Saxon Pub tonight, as the wonderful Ana Egge celebrates the release of her new CD, Lazy Days. I sing a little back-up on the record, and I’ll join her on a couple of tunes on stage. It’ll probably be too much fun for a Tuesday night.

Man is not the enemy here, but the fellow victim.
Betty Friedan

New Ways to Play with an Old Hardware




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I’m doing some work for this guy, but he’s huge! Big as a house! I’m constantly afraid he’s accidentally going to step on me. It’s weird having a…

Highlight here for answer: [giant client]

Thursday, November 8th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

I had a wonderful weekend with an extra hour tacked on thanks to that crazy system of ours. Friday, Matt the Electrician and I played for a great crowd at Anderson Fair in Houston. Then, Maggie and I stayed until Saturday night to see her dad perform with his classic rock cover band 33 1/3 RPM. They rocked Big John’s Ice House for FOUR HOURS, and they kept the energy high the whole dang time.

I got to visit with my family over BBQ, and of course, we also enjoyed my favorite radio station, Houston’s 97.1 FM, Country Legends! Thanks for playing Willie & Waylon & the boys, you crazy computerized satellite, you.

Sunday was a day of rest, and now it’s back to work. I’m trying something a little different this morning: no caffeine. No coffee. No green tea. Bupkis.

I’ve been ingesting quite a bit of the ol’ stimulant lately, and I hate the idea that I might be too dependent on it. No one wants to be constantly constricted. So under the umbrella of alertness, awareness, and trying something new, I’m going without the c-word this week.

Don’t judge me too harshly if I fail. Sometimes I walk under dark Pepsi clouds and I get a few soda drops in my mouth. Sometimes co-workers just throw coffee at my face when I’m being difficult, and I can’t help but swallow a bit. I might just step on a syringe of coffee extract. But that’s ok! The point is, I zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Tobacco, coffee, alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine, are weak dilutions; the surest poison is time.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

New Ways to Play with an Old Hardware




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Listen up, people! If we’re ever going to get any work done around here, we need less flirting, less lingerie, and less romance in general. I’m calling for an immediate…

Highlight here for answer: [seduction reduction]

Thursday, November 8th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!