Southpaw Jones

From the excellent CD Bedroom Demos Vol. 1: Zero Demand.

You’ve got beautiful muscles and a big wholesome heart
Your ribs start together and then drift apart
There’s black in your lung from the smoke of your youth
And some minor decay in your #12 tooth

But I long to look at your skin, your skin
I’m tired of worshipping what’s within
For once I could act like those shallow ass guys
Who stare at your chest, not straight through your eyes

I couldn’t describe the shade of your hair
As well as the shapes in the building back there
The man in that high rise is about to disrobe
So I return my attention to your frontal lobe

But I long to look at your flesh
I’m bored with watching your nerve endings mesh
I’d rather be dealing with your blemished face
Than to know all the routes that your blood vessels trace.

I’ve got x-ray vision and I’ve got no control
I’d rather see wrinkles than another lost soul
And I’d rather see you comin’ through the hole in my door
Than to look down in sadness at the earth’s molten core

There’s a bone in your fried fish
I’d leave that bite there.

Happy Friday! Merry Christmas! Did you know that Mary was in all likelihood younger than Jamie Lynn Spears when she gave birth to baby Jesus? He turned out alright, I think, despite being a bit of a troublemaker.

Next week is the big holiday chasm, and I plan to post some songs and lyrics here while I enjoy friends and family. Keep on visiting by all means.

Thanks to everyone who takes the time to check in on my crazy morning output. It really means a lot to me. When I see that dozens and dozens of people are reading my words, well, it inspires me all the more to make them interesting and worthy of your time. This little site gives me a real reason to wake up and get caffeinated on weekdays.

In 2008, I’m hoping to improve upon the daily offerings with daily pictures from my world and a look into the past with 100 Years Ago Today. I also want to lose twenty pounds and sell my comic books. See Springsteen live and eat more blueberries. Grow out my hair and see if it’s still curly. Pay off a credit card and take my lady friend for sushi. But that’s neither

here

nor

there.

Happy Holidays to you and y’all’s!

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Dad liked to put a little electrical charge in the ol’ mantle socks. Every year, I would forget the prank and suffer the consequences of grabbing a…

Highlight here for answer: [shocking stocking]


Tacky Christmas Yards

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
Garrison Keillor

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

1. GrowTesk – Ceiling Leak

2. Froid – For the Love of Mom

3. Smallpox & the Blankets – Dangerous Covers

4. Bailar con Scapegoats – Wall Along the Watchtower

5. Noah Thanx & the Reluctancy – I Think I’ll Pass

6. We Are Not Ironic Nor Verbose – Complete Sentences

7. Reverend Nev R. Mincewordz – R U Crazy?

8. Mr. Ed’s Weed Bag – Get Off Your High Horse

9. Holdout Harry & the Minority – Still OUR President

10. Southpaw Jones – Greatest Hits

I assume these are fiction, but the world of music is so massive these days, and I am not a college student. If I happened upon a real act and a real title, well, I’m sure it’s a delightful listen.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

There’s a new TV show called “Clash of the Choirs.” I haven’t seen it, but if it involves disagreements between vocal groups, why didn’t they just call it…

Highlight here for answer: [choral quarrel]


Tacky Christmas Yards

In suggesting gifts: Money is appropriate, and one size fits all.
William Randolph Hearst

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

• I wish Friday were the only holiday. If the holiday season is about spending time with people you love, why is it I haven’t had time to spend with family or friends in weeks?

• Britney’s 16-year-old sister (and Nickelodeon star!) is pregnant. With a human baby. The Beverly Hillbillies have struck again. Teenagers! Prepare to follow, live your wildest dreams, and supply us with an ocean of jelly-headed fashion accessories. As scripture says, “The savior of modern man shall live several years with his head sticking out of a purse.”

• I’m already sick of Christmas, and I love science. Is there a place for me in Mike Huckabee’s America?

• Seems like the more we get hooked on unnecessary legal drugs, the more intolerant we are of illegal use and addition.

• Yesterday, I spent about 20 minutes shopping for a “Secure Digital SD Card” before I realized that “SD” stands for “Secure Digital.” That’s right, I’m the old guy in the store saying, “I see your SD cards here, but I need the Secure Digital kind specifically.” Ugh. Don’t tell anyone.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That crazy silversmith woke me up at midnight to tell me, “The British are coming!” I appreciated it, but dang, he didn’t have to slap me, throw cold water on me, and blow a trumpet in my ear to rouse me! I guess that’s why they call him…

Highlight here for answer: [severe Revere]


Tacky Christmas Yards

‘If I could work my will,’ said Scrooge indignantly, ‘Every idiot who goes about with ‘Merry Christmas’ on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!’
Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

• Foot massage

• Heart message

• Letting a loved one “off the hook next Christmas”

• Unwanted advice

• Meaningless sex

• Doing someone’s Christmas shopping for them

• Good vibes

• Meaningful sex

• Visions of sweet January

• Full Forgiveness of Five Future Farts

• Meaning to engage in sex at some point

• Putting some high-quality energy into pretending to listen

• List of “Ways You Could Change to Make Our Relationship Smoother in the Coming Year”

• Three Coins in the Fountain (literal costs at least $0.03 plus travel to fountain, DVD requires retail price and takes up space, a cappella vocal performance is free)

• Control of the car stereo for an entire road trip

• Condescending, “layman’s” explanation of string theory

• One solid “remember when…” conversation without eye-rolling

• Butterfly kisses with butterfly effect

• Just being the best you you you you can be!

• Softly-spoken Republican talking points

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I don’t want to put this small, tailless arboreal ape in a gift box. I’ll just present him with a bow on his head. Has anyone seen my spool of…

Highlight here for answer: [gibbon ribbon]


Tacky Christmas Yards

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world?
Richard M. Nixon

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com