Southpaw Jones

Hello. It’s Monday, and I’ve just complete five shows in five days. It was a triumph of will and caffeine, and I can now sail into the holidays with a little ease and gusto.

Matt the Electrician and I headed to Dallas for a couple of performances. It really is another world up there. Manly men and womanly women. Lots of concrete and rectangles. I saw a local magazine cover boasting, “Dallas Shops!” We had a good time, and I kept my ears open to catch a couple of interesting conversations, such as…

I like that word ‘urbane.’ It seems like it’s only applied to men, though.
I like it, too. You know, I was a National Merit Scholar for vocabulary.
Oh, really? What does that word ‘disposition’ mean?
Oh, you know, I think of it as your personality, how you are. Like I would say you have a calm disposition.
Thanks.

You know what kind of people play disc golf, don’t you? The people who play disc golf. You know what kind of people they are, right? I mean, they sell equipment for that at smoke shops!

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

This writing utensil emits wonderful, shiny strands of holiday decoration! Would you like to sketch on the tree with my…

Highlight here for answer: [tinsel pencil]


Tacky Christmas Yards

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”
Steven Wright

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

Republicans sparred in Des Moines,
Where ice made the traffic slow going.
Fred’s hand stayed glued,
While Rudy played shrewd,
And Keyes said it’s hot air they’re blowing

Democrats played theirs polite.
Alas, there was nary a fight!
The slinging of mud
Makes you Iowa’s dud,
So we all endured one boring night.

Baseball players, for shame!
You can’t play a natural game?
Just eat some more Wheaties,
And buy better cleaties,
Since Mitchell just named your dang name.

Ice and snow covered the states,
Except here where no one relates.
Down south we get wet,
But mostly from sweat.
In Texas, you can’t sell ice skates.

Happy Friday to all!

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Hark, lonely bell!
Poor lonely bell!
I know you’re solo, because I only hear a…

Highlight here for answer: [single jingle]


Early 50s Disney Christmas Cards

Just as a puppy can be more of a challenge than a gift, so too can the holidays.
John Clayton

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Opening Bell Coffee
1409 S. Lamar Suite #012
DALLAS, TX 75215
214.565.0383
www.openingbellcoffee.com/

Before I present this delightful list, I must remind AUSTIN and DALLAS that Matt the Electrician and I are performing for you tonight and tomorrow respectively. Details below! Back to the action:

• a few bucks in the jukebox

• the colonies

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

We pickle our evergreen Christmas tree during the off-season. Every year, we have to pull it out of its massive jar and dry off all the…

Highlight here for answer: [pine brine]


Early 50s Disney Christmas Cards

Now I’m an old Christmas tree, the roots of which have died. They just come along and while the little needles fall off me replace them with medallions.
Orson Welles

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Opening Bell Coffee
1409 S. Lamar Suite #012
DALLAS, TX 75215
214.565.0383
www.openingbellcoffee.com/

Good morning! Top of it to ya. My goal for the first year of this site was to reach 1,000 visits in one day. Well, I didn’t reach it, but yesterday, here in Year Two, 1,045 folks decided to stop by. It’s a good thing. Keep coming, and do spread the word. Thanks!

Now what to write today? Two random things?

• Everyone knows (and nice guys lament) the generalization that “chicks dig jerks.” I learned this week that they aren’t alone. It turns out evolution digs jerks, too! Shifty, deadbeat, manipulative dudes run around making lots and lots of babies. Evolution loves babies as much as an unfeeling natural force can! Good family men with one or two kids are just drops in the genetic bucket. More and more one-night-stand-inducing genes will pass to future generations, until the world is full of greasy, blue-eyed, virile drummers.

• I got a BB gun for Christmas when I was a kid. I never shot a living thing with it, but I did take aim at a discarded rubber tire in a ditch. That dang ol’ BB ricocheted right back and hit me in the leg. I acted like it didn’t hurt, but it did. Later that night, I snuck out of the house, found that tire, and gave it a waterboarding session it will never forget.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Grandpa makes fun of the old tradition by hanging his dirty socks from the mantle. He never tires of…

Highlight here for answer: [stocking mocking]


Early 50s Disney Christmas Cards

Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.
Stephen Fry

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Opening Bell Coffee
1409 S. Lamar Suite #012
DALLAS, TX 75215
214.565.0383
www.openingbellcoffee.com/

• Anybody got any gum?

• Honestly, I can see both sides on this one.

• Lookin’ good, you!

• Any questions?

• Steady as she goes. Nothin’ but good times ahead.

• Diversify those portfolios, people!

• You know what you need? A day for YOU.

• Man, I’m spent.

• Read this, and tell me if it comes across too harsh.

• Eek! Let me get back to you.

• Frozen margarita, on the rocks, two straws, por favor.

• Can I have your autograph?

• Sixty-percent chance of early precipitation on Thursday with those nasty, gray skies clearing out as we head into our weekend.

• Whoops.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That first cloned sheep sure was happy around the holidays! Don’t you remember the manmade smile on ol’…

Highlight here for answer: [jolly Dolly]


Early 50s Disney Christmas Cards

I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, ‘You know. I don’t think I’m gonna be Jewish for very long.’
Lewis Black

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Opening Bell Coffee
1409 S. Lamar Suite #012
DALLAS, TX 75215
214.565.0383
www.openingbellcoffee.com/