Southpaw Jones

…because it’s too respectful or inclusive or pleasant, here are some alternatives for you:

• “Merry Christmas, whatever you are!”

• “How many times today have you heard about the wonderful, majority religion of this country?”

• “Virgin birth! Boo-yah!”

• “This plague of dry skin is the Devil’s handiwork.”

• “Good morning, I was born into the best tribe.”

• “Huckabee ’08!”

• “Long live Western Civilization!”

• “Enjoy all our sales, pagan.”

• “It’s cold outside, and the Holocaust never happened.”

• “Did you give me a bicycle when I was five-years-old, foreigner? No, Christmas did, and I’ve been loyal ever since. Merry me!”

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

She’s heatin’ that cider with sugar and spice, but she sure ain’t happy about it. That, my friend, is a living portrait of…

Highlight here for answer: [sullen mullin’]


Early 50s Disney Christmas Cards

How many observe Christ’s birthday! How few, his precepts! O! ’tis easier to keep holidays than commandments.
Benjamin Franklin

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Opening Bell Coffee
1409 S. Lamar Suite #012
DALLAS, TX 75215
214.565.0383
www.openingbellcoffee.com/

1. Pro-Bacterial Soap

2. Grout

3. Gout

4. Port

5. Personal Quagmire Catalyst Spray [PQCS]

6. False Sense of Security

7. Unregulated Flubber

8. Big ol’ country hug-and-a-half

9. “How to Buzz Off” by Leif M.E. Aloan

10. Malaise

11. A modus operandi and a motive on a night when “I was just watching TV alone, I swear!”

12. Gift certificate from a china shop in a bull

13. A long, hard look at oneself

14. 24 hours of political coverage and a razor blade

15. Fluorescent darkness

16. A 30-foot RV and 2 gallons of gas

17. Swift chop to the medulla oblongata

18. “How to Tithe More” by Jen R. Russ

19. The Bush Legacy

20. Ye Olde Sweat Shoppe

21. 10 Lords a-Leaping

22. 9 Traipsers Traipsing

23. 8 Tweens a’Tweening

24. 7 Rednecks Necking

25. 6 Yankees Yanking

26. 5 Moldy Things

27. 4 Calling Creditors

28. 3 French ‘tudes

29. 2 Turtle Gloves (or Fertile Doves)

30. And a Partridge Fam. DVD!

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

If you’ll just spin around in the water really fast, you won’t sink. Try it! It’s a technique known as…

Highlight here for answer: [rotation flotation]


Tiny Flowers Vintage Condom Package Design

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
Richard Lewis

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

Happy Cold Time to you! I’d like to take this opportunity to update everyone who has ever heard of me: members of my e-mail list, myspace friends, and readers of the Southpaw Jones Gazette. 2007 is rapidly drawing to a close, and I have a great deal to complain about.

First of all, why can’t I spend all day staring at my own web site? Now that southpawjones.com and southpawjones.net are combined into one powerful force, I’m more in love than ever. I update every single weekday with randomness, quotes, rhyme puzzles, and more. Please stop by in lieu of working or googling.

Secondly of awl, with a closet full of my own CDs, I am unable to experience the joy of ordering a handful of them. The pleasure of online ordering via PayPal, the anticipation, and the prompt arrival of a homemade package with sweet freebies inside! I envy you, dear reader. If nothing else, I’d love to snatch up the fresh new collaboration with Matt the Electrician, Playing: Live at Café Mundi. It’s only $9.99! If I were a civilian, I’d order a few at http://www.southpawjones.net/cds/
and stuff some adult stockings with them.

I also might opt for MP3s via iTunes or SNOCAP.

Thirdlicious, why is it that I always perform live on the radio, ruining my chances to hear myself broadcast in my car? I had a great time appearing with Spike Gillespie on KUT earlier this week. While that show is not yet archived, you can hear my previous visit to Studio 1A here:
http://kut.org/items/show/7907
I performed Sewing Machine, Fatty Arbuckle, Everyman, Porous Head, and Legitimate Film. Precious!

Quadrupely, why can I not mount an artful nude photo of my/the boy band Cedar Fever in every courthouse in the tri-state area? It’s a beautiful shot of OTE, the Mazz, Joey P, and Cuddly Paw in midair, and it appears in the Still Naked: 2008 Calendar. Other featured Austin artists include Dale Watson, Kinky Friedman, and Anna Egge, and the proceeds benefit ACMAWF, the Austin Children of Musicians, Artists and Writers Fund. You can order a copy or six here:
http://tickets.frontgatetickets.com/choose.php?a=1&lid=15095&eid=19275&pl=76
For a taste of Cedar Fever, visit
http://myspace.com/cedarfever

Finally, sweet mercy, why to I have to wait until tonight, later this month, and beyond to perform live music for fellow Texans?
AUSTIN, you know Matt the Electrician and I are hitting you hard every Thursday in December at Flipnotics @ the Triangle.
DALLAS, we’ll see you Dec. 14 at Opening Bell Coffee.
HOUSTON, we’ll return to the legendary Anderson Fair on February 8, 2008.
Full details below!

It’s been a good year, 2007. Feels very modern, very “now.” What’s in store for 2008? My guess is more songs, maybe a new SPJ CD, and affordable flying cars. Thanks for spending part of your holiday season reading about me and mine.

Stay cool,
Southpaw

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Who is going to take care of all these displaced children? Where’s that list of all the available temporary caregivers? Has anyone seen our…

Highlight here for answer: [foster roster]


Tiny Flowers Vintage Condom Package Design

When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.
John Muir

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Opening Bell Coffee
1409 S. Lamar Suite #012
Dallas, TX 75215
214.565.0383
www.openingbellcoffee.com/
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2008
9:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant
Houston, TX 77006
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com
Doors open at 8!

The older I get, the more I hate politics. I used to believe in the possibility, the hope of our system, but I’m too old for that now. Striving for decent progress in America is like running a 3-legged race with your catatonic third cousin at a family reunion.

You say, “Let’s go, America! Let’s excel!” But Americans would rather eat pork rinds and blow stuff up than explore and expand any horizons.

In addition to eating pork rinds and blowing stuff up, Americans love to hate Hillary Clinton. Consistently. Irrationally. With fervor.

[Let me clarify what I think of ALL the candidates: They are psychopaths. They are carnies. They are professional wrestlers. You have to be some kind of mental case to want to be the leader of the free world. Your mommy did quite a number on you, if you will. As citizens, we can only hope to get a relatively benevolent psychopath, like the lovely William Jefferson Clinton. He went crazy with his penis, not his military. Yes, I intend to vote, but I’ll do so with the knowledge that I’m voting for some loon.]

Hillary Clinton is operating out of a very tiny box, because the media, the system, and the public have forced her into it.

They call her cold and calculating, but if she said anything bold and daring, she’d instantly be labeled “a wild woman in flux” or a “head-in-the-clouds hippie drunk off the fumes of power.”

They want her to be experienced but not political. They want her to be smart but not calculating. They want her to be anti-war but not weak. Feminine but not emotional. Separate from Bill but not divorced. Confident but not cocky. Different from Bush but not too hard on our retard-in-charge.

Hillary has been fighting republicans and the media for decades. She can’t be a normal, warm, cuddly, cookie-making human being anymore. American turned her into what she is: a monster and the first woman with a serious chance to be our president.

I would call her our frankenstein, but Mitt Romney is the one who looks the part.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That Duke girl with the short shorts is really letting herself go. She just sits around the house all day watching reruns of her own show. Everybody calls her…

Highlight here for answer: [lazy Daisy]


Tiny Flowers Vintage Condom Package Design

My music is best understood by children and animals.
Igor Stravinsky

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

Hey, I can’t write much this morning, ’cause I gotta do a little Austin radio with the lovely Spike Gillespie. We’ll discuss the 2008 Naked Calendar with John Aielli on Eklektikos. 10:30! You can listen locally on 90.5 FM or online at kut.org.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That harmless lizard sure does know how to enjoy a canyon! He says, “Hello,” and it repeats in the distance. I can still hear that…

Highlight here for answer: [gecko echo]


Tiny Flowers Vintage Condom Package Design

My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too.
Peter De Vries

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2007
10:30 AM
Radio Appearance w/ Spike Gillespie
Eklektikos - KUT 90.5 FM
Austin, TX
www.kut.org/music/show/12
________________________________________________________________