Southpaw Jones

Come on out to Flipnotics @ the Triangle tonight for Matt the Electrician and little ol’ me. The song title of the week is “Don’t You Know Obama.” Heaven help us.

Today is the birthday of my dear friend Spike Gillespie. She is such a big part of my particular version of Austin, and she has been a huge help in spreading my name and getting cool people to see me perform. She is a wellspring of encouragement. We had yet another fun performance of The Dick Monologues last night, and I’d like to plug another of her phallus-centric events this weekend at the new Downtown Alamo Drafthouse Cinema.

Spike Gillespie Presents:
Dick-E-Oke

It’s a multimedia blowout party of all things dick, dickish, and dickified. Our good friend and yours, writer Spike Gillespie, presents Dick-E-Oke - an evening of everything phallic. Including performances by cast members of The Dick Monologues, everyone’s favorite perverted boy band, Cedar Fever (with Owen Egerton, Southpaw Jones, Joey TK, and Henri TK), juggling from Chris Moss, a Sexy Sing-a-Long and other big, throbbing surprises. Get ready to erect a temple of fun at the Alamo. But be warned, if you are thin-skinned and highly sensitive this show may rub you the wrong way. Everyone else: prepare to engorge!

Dick-E-Oke is foreplay for the smash hit, forever sold out, theatrical masterpiece, The Dick Monologues, which begins its regular residency at The Monarch Events Center in February.

That’s right, Cedar Fever returns to the stage Sunday night! Happy Birthday, Spike!

as reported in The New York Times

CHURCH CONTESTS A WILL
While the exact evidence on which they will base their charge that Mrs. Elizabeth C. Ellis was “mentally unsound and subjected to undue influence” when, last May, at 93 years of age, she made a new will remembering heirs, formerly disinherited, is not disclosed, it became known to-day that the contest of her will by St. Mary’s Protestant Episcopal Church will bring out some startling testimony.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I know you like nocturnal hunting, so I got you some light-up arrows to bask in your…

Highlight here for answer: [bow glow]


Animated Musicians

Those who have no sense of humor run the risk of having jokes made at their expense.
Michel Paul Richard

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

Austinites, tonight is the night for the Dick Monolgues! Do join us…

Dearest reader, did I ever tell you about my New Year’s Resolutions? How flagrantly ommissious of me! They are as follows:

• Figure out how to run 6 miles without walking
• Simplify life and possessions
• Improve this precious web site
• Master The New York Times Crossword
• Love a little stronger
• Know when to hold ‘em
• Know when to fold ‘em
• Stand inside the fire
• Read and summarize The Holy Bible

I know, I know, it’s ambitious stuff, so don’t hold me to it. The last goal is perhaps the most unlikely, but I’m starting like a finisher here on January 9. While I spent the first 22 years of my life in a Bible-icious environment, I’m not sure I ever read the wholey thing straight through. I have a gently used Daily Bible [New International Version] which assigns a small reading to each day of the year. I’m having trouble keeping up, but I’m proud to say I’ve mastered Genesis 1-5, and I now present my summary:

Genesis 1-3

There was nothing until God made everything, starting with Earth. He was very proud of this place. In fact, the only reason He made stars was so they could “give light on the earth.” Geocentric! During His one week of creation, God performed a great deal of separating and labeling to get everything cooking. God made a man to look like Him and His friends, and God said, “Multiply and rule this place, I’m gonna take a day off.”

God placed His man in the Garden of Eden and said, “Eat anything you want except fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. It kills.” God then said, “You look lonely. I’m going to make a lady for you. She’ll provide companionship and help you name everything.” So He did. Adam and Eve were naked and not bothered in the least by it. Everything was copacetic and room temperature.

Then a snake told Eve to eat from the forbidden tree so she could “be like God.” She did, and she gave a bite to Adam, who was just standing there like a dolt. In a flash, they discovered the shame of their nudity, made clothes, and hid from God.

God found them! Adam tried to blame Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent. God punished the three with various hardships like dust-munching, labor, childbearing, and eventual death. God made them better clothes, and kicked them out of the garden. He was now very wary of mankind. So it begins, this uplifting tome.

Genesis 4

Adam & Eve had two sons, Cain (farmer) & Abel (shepherd). Cain offered God some fruit, Abel gave Him meat. God much preferred Abel’s sacrifice. Cain got jealous and killed Abel. Four people in, we already have our first murder. God cursed Cain and banished him to wander. God marked him so no one would kill him, lest they be killed seven times. Sweet Mercy.

Cain bore a big ol’ extended family with “his wife.” Where he found her, we’ll never know. One descendent named Lamech kept up the family tradition of killin’.

Adam & Eve had grandkids.

Genesis 5

People did a lot of people-makin’, ‘cause they lived a long time back then. One dude, Methuselah, lived 969 years. He had quite a collection of whatever he was collecting, I suspect.

He had a grandson named Noah!

To be continued…

as reported in The New York Times

TO SAVE MINERS’ LIVES
Coal operators from the principal coal-producing States of the East gathered in Washington today to discuss the recent mining disasters and the best methods for the preservation of the lives of miners in the future.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Did you notice the cost of that slushy, cherry-flavored drink we just bought? Man, it’s gone up! That is one…

Highlight here for answer: [pricey Icee]


Animated Musicians

There are only a handful of possible jokes. The chief members of this joke band may be said to be: the fall of dignity [and] mistaken identity.
Mack Sennett

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Speaking of Dick
Zach Scott - Groten Theater
1426 Toomey Road (78704)
AUSTIN, TX
speakingofdick.frontgatetickets.com
Performing as part of a wonderful ensemble.

Please take a moment to vote for Southpaw Jones as Best Songwriter in The Austin Chronicle Music Poll, http://www.austinchronicle.com/feedback/musicpoll/07/. You don’t have to live in Austin to vote, and you don’t have to believe he deserves it.

Here is the challenge sent forth from The Late Show with David Letterman this week: Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Mike Huckabee.

Here are my contributions:

10. Once performed all roles from the Wizard of Oz in a one-man show.

9. Doesn’t believe in gravity. We’re all just held on Earth by one of God’s many fingers.

8. Tips 17% plus a Gideon Bible.

7. Doesn’t believe in New Hampshire.

6. All that “weight” he lost was actually Chuck Norris’s love child.

5. Calls Skunks “Flower” without irony.

4. Brother of Satan.

3. Doesn’t believe in Ron Paul.

2. Claims to have created and trademarked “Aw, shucks.”

1. Anti-gay Republican…there simply must be pictures of this man in a sequin dress.

as reported in The New York Times

THE EMPLOYERS’S LIABILITY DECISION
A bad law for a good purpose. That is practically the judgment of a majority of the Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States as to the National law fixing the liability of employers engaged in Inter-State commerce. No one will dispute that the general purpose of the law was good in the sense that it was humane, though there is room for difference of opinion as to its efficiency and expediency.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Those older guys told us to go hunting for this animal we’ve never heard of. At first, I trusted their sensational stories, but we’ve been out here for hours making funny noises to no avail. Do y’all think it’s all a big lie? Maybe they just fed us a bunch of…

Highlight here for answer: [snipe hype]


Animated Musicians

All very serious revolutionary propositions begin as huge jokes. Otherwise they would be stamped out by the lynching of their first exponents.
George Bernard Shaw

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Speaking of Dick
Zach Scott - Groten Theater
1426 Toomey Road (78704)
AUSTIN, TX
speakingofdick.frontgatetickets.com
Performing as part of a wonderful ensemble.

Good morning! Happy Monday! I am happy to return to business as usual here at southpawjones.com and southpawjones.net and southpawjones.cute.butt. I took a nice long break from the full site to survive the holidays and reflect upon how I might improve things around here.

Folks seem to enjoy Rhyme Thyme and the Online Museum of the Week. Awesome! I feel the need to post Upcoming Show(s) to remind everyone, including myself, what my short-term calendar looks like. Quotopia allows me to make use of my short-attention-span quotation book collection, and I enjoy the search for pithy truth in the morning. I have to keep all these features going for the love of the game if nothing else.

So, if I’m going to improve the site in this still-fresh 2008, the only answer is more.

More!

I’m adding two new features to the daily offerings here. The first is 100 Years Ago (as reported in The New York Times). America’s daily recently opened their archives to the public and eliminated subscription fees, so anyone and everyone can now search from 1851 to the present. I hope to find an interesting sentence from the early 20th Century that corresponds with each weekday’s date here in modern times. They can’t sue me for sharing a sentence, can they?

Also, I’m displaying a daily Paw Print, a picture of, from, and/or regarding my life. Many of these, like the one below, will be funny faces I made on my MacBook. I find it a bit indulgent, personally, but here’s the thing: People like pictures! I have to balance out all the word-worship with something, and I need a reason to take more pictures, since my phone, my digital camera, and my computer are silently begging me to do so.

I hope you now enjoy SEVEN bits of fun and info here each weekday. Let me know what you think. Skip the picture? 100 years ago is boring and musty? You’d rather have a Sudoku? I aim to please, and I hope you add daily visits to your routine in this new year.

Tell your friends!

as reported in The New York Times

SAFEGUARDING WARSHIPS
Orders have been sent to Portsmouth to rush with all possible speed the work of providing the warships of the British Navy with refrigerating plants, designed to keep down the temperature of the magazines. The innovation is the result of the terrible explosion aboard the French battleship Jena.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Why, it’s obviously an annual event! Can’t you see that? It’s…

Highlight here for answer: [clearly yearly]


Animated Musicians

If it were not for these stories, jokes, jests, I should die; they give vent - are the vents - of my moods and gloom.
Abraham Lincoln

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Speaking of Dick
Zach Scott - Groten Theater
1426 Toomey Road (78704)
AUSTIN, TX
speakingofdick.frontgatetickets.com
Performing as part of a wonderful ensemble.

I hope you’ll make southpawjones.com part of your daily routine in this new year. For now, here’s a Retro Blog from my Elementary School journal, dated February 21, 1986:

If I found out I was a good magician, I would make my sister disappear. I would go to the state of Hawaii with a move of my hand, then I would go to Hollywood, then I would do all sorts of tricks like turn an elephant into 2/3, and make fruit that people will throw at me disappear and of course I’d do the classic trick of floating in the air. Then I’d get tips from that magician called David Copperfield and his duck. Then I guess I’d bring my sister back because I would need an assistant. Then I’ll get my dog instead of a duck. One day I might make my dog and sister disappear while I go back to Alabama and visit my friends and family, do all my make-up work, and get back to being a magician.

Happy Friday!