Southpaw Jones

Ms. Winehouse went home with five Grams
Not drugs, silly! Awards for her jams!
Kanye West wore blue light
Herbie Hancock did alright
But ratings showed no one gave damns

There’s a falling satellite on the way
That malfunctioned, like, on its first day
It may hold toxic fuel
Or a classified tool
So the Navy will blow it up. Yay!

“Icebox of the Nation” ‘s the claim
International Falls won the game
That town in Minnesota
Doesn’t care one iota
That Frasier, CO wants the name

Has Mike Huckabee gone insane?
Talk about a faith-based campaign!
You’ve made your skid mark
Now go back to the Ark.
And watch a Dem slaughter McCain

as reported in The New York Times

February 15, 1908
JOKE MARRIAGE IS ANNULED.
Harvard Sophomore and Girl Who Exchanged Names Regretted Prank.
BOSTON — In the divorce court to-day Judge Fessenden annulled the “joke” marriage of Miss Helen V. Cadwell of Cambridge and Edwin King Adams, formerly a Harvard sophomore and son of a wealthy Philadelphia lawyer, which had been arranged as a Hallowe’en prank. Both testified in court that it was “really no love affair,” and that “neither realized the seriousness of the affair.”

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

If you’re gonna dump this guy, you need to look good doing it. Really make him regret losing you. Try some blush, eyeliner, lipstick, you know, some…

Highlight here for answer: [breakup makeup]


Ladies’ Quartets of Lake Erie Region 17

Abstract

Mental illness is not the price people pay for their creative gifts… creative people who are mentally ill find themselves, almost by default, in the arts rather than in business or the other sciences.
Dr. Arnold M. Ludwig

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8 pm
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2008
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Opening Bell Coffee
1409 S. Lamar Suite #012
DALLAS, TX
75215
214.565.0383
www.openingbellcoffee.com/

Her name is Maggie.

•Voracious appetite for cheese and new music.
•Actor. She is a talented, captivating one of those.
•Leaping. She can do it gracefully, and her cat can, too.
•Eagerness to live and learn.
•Normalcy. She knows how to act, and she loves to tell tales of those who don’t.
•Tree Hugger. She stopped using plastic bags before it was cool.
•Interest in me, misguided as it may be.
•Nape. Neck. Nose. Freckles.
•Europe. She wants to go, and she wants me to go with her!

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you. I LOVE that people actually visit this site.

Austinites, come spend Valentine’s with me at Flipnotics @ the Triangle, 8 pm.

as reported in The New York Times

February 14, 1908
ROOSEVELT TO HELP HOBOS.
Their Apostle Tells Him How They Differ from Tramps and Bums.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Horny chocolates! Lusty licorice! Sweets in heat! How am I supposed to eat all this…

Highlight here for answer: [randy candy]


Ladies’ Quartets of Lake Erie Region 17

Double Dare

Love does not dominate; it cultivates.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

ALONE ON VALENTINE’S DAY
Thursday, February 14, 2008
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

1. pork chop

2. jello shot

3. foreclosure notice envelope

4. waiter’s pierced nose

5. Mount Doom

6. cobweb-filled mailbox

7. Lincoln Memorial crotch

8. hyper-magnetic island between Sydney and Los Angeles

9. Chippendale dancer’s pants

10. a more prosperous future

I’ll perform Alone on Valentine’s Day tomorrow at Flipnotics @ the Triangle, 8 pm. It’s a new one man show I’ll write and perform simultaneously, mixing in original, unoriginal, keytar, and karaoke songs as I go. Matt the Electrician will be in hot, sexy Branson, Missouri. He will not appear via satellite.

Have dinner at Mandola’s Market beforehand. Visit the Flying Saucer afterward. Come on down and celebrate with some wine, pastries, pro-love and anti-love songs. I’ll dress nice-like and light a candle. All proceeds (tips) from the show will go toward a belated Valentine’s dinner for my sweetheart Maggie.

as reported in The New York Times

February 13, 1908
PRIZE DOGS DRAW RECORD PATRONAGE.
Best Attendance of Westminster Club’s Show Saw Competitions Yesterday.
The dog show in Madison Square Garden, finishing its second day yesterday, all but ran away from the seventeen harried and hurried experts, who, as judges, flitted from ring to ring so swiftly that they did not give even the biased among the breeders and exhibitors time to question or agree over decisions.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

He is an older artist whose desires and passions have dried up quite a bit. He used to be starving for truth and justice in his youth. I wish he could recapture that…

Highlight here for answer: [younger hunger]


Ladies’ Quartets of Lake Erie Region 17

TGIF

People may choose to ignore their animal heritage by interpreting their behavior as divinely inspired, socially purposeful, or even self-serving, all of which they attribute to being human, but they masticate, fornicate, and procreate, much as chimps and apes do, so they should have little cause to get upset if they learn that they act like other primates when they politically agitate, debate, abdicate, placate, and administrate, too.
Dr. Arnold M. Ludwig

ALONE ON VALENTINE’S DAY
Thursday, February 14, 2008
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

This falls in the category of Things I’ve Recently Learned. The world of television prepares for the high definition revolution, wherein visions will be crisper and sounds will be clearer. Pancake betrayed! Apparently, the world of professional wrestling, wherein image is of the utmost importance, will make some severe adjustments. Here are three new rules for high-def handed down from the management of World Wrestling Entertainment:

1. Work stiffer! You know all that magic of putting your boot in someone’s face without hurting them? We’re going to need that to look even better. If you could get your boot print to stay on the other guy’s cheek for a few seconds, that’d be great.

2. No more in-ring communication! You can’t tell your “opponent” your next move, because people with amazing, crystal clear speakers will be able to hear you at home. I don’t know what to tell you. Plan out every move before the match? Learn some kind of sign language, or slap each other in Morse code.

3. No more spray-on tans! If you’re going to paint yourself orange before the show, make sure it doesn’t run. This will look awful in high-definition. Please move to Florida and drench yourself in actual sunshine as much as possible.

I feel like we’ve all learned something valuable today.

as reported in The New York Times

February 12, 1908
DEFENDING THE ALAMO.
Patriotic Society’s President, Refusing to Transfer Building, Holds It
Without food and water for over 80 hours, Miss Adina Dezavalia, President of the Dezavalia Chapter, Daughters of the Republic, is still in possession of the Alamo.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I can name all the parts of the earth out loud, from the core to the crust. I can also recall the sections of the atmosphere, and if you peel an onion, I’ll count each freshly revealed stratum. That’s how I got the nickname…

Highlight here for answer: [layer sayer]


Ladies’ Quartets of Lake Erie Region 17

Vocal Bling

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Robert X. Cringely

ALONE ON VALENTINE’S DAY
Thursday, February 14, 2008
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

It’s Monday, friends, and I don’t have what I’d call “a lot of energy or creativity” this morning. Therefore, I present to you a few phrases that seems to exist nowhere within the hive brain of the internet. I call these Google Stumpers, as they yield no results on the most powerful search engine. There aren’t many of these phrases left in the universe. Of course, by adding them to my site, I’m taking away the very specialness that defines them. ‘Tis life, death, and cyber-performance-art!

• “has anyone seen my bacon machine”

• “Travolta is the sanest scientologist”

• “where in the world is Carmex San Diego”

• “went to see Spin Doctors last night”

• “I wanted to help but hey”

• “desperate times call for desperate measuring cups”

• “worst president since McCain”

• “trained to exacerbate”

• “I totally intended to buy you flowers”

• “Southpaw Jones rocks”

as reported in The New York Times

February 11, 1908
ROOSEVELT DRAWS A LINE.
President’s Conservatism Obliges Him to Bar Airship Trips.
The conservatism of President Roosevelt is illustrated by the fact that he has declined numerous invitations to take rides on airships which enthusiastic aeronauts and aeronautical constructors have been trying to sell the Government for use by the army.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

If you’re looking for a freshwater mammal with webbed feet and dark brown fur, I know a guy who can point one out for you from amazing distances. Do you want me to introduce you to the…

Highlight here for answer: [otter spotter]


Ladies’ Quartets of Lake Erie Region 17

Note-Ability

[The proud man] does not demand of himself the impossible, but he does demand every ounce of the possible. He refuses to rest content with a defective soul, shrugging in self-deprecation ‘That’s me.’ He knows that that ‘me’ was created, and is alterable, by him.
Leonard Peikoff

ALONE ON VALENTINE’S DAY
Thursday, February 14, 2008
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com