Southpaw Jones

• Lists

• Tiny brunettes with straight ponytails, sundresses, comically oversized sunglasses, and low GPAs

• Whiskers on kittens

• Grace

• AyePhones that electronically force you to be more agreeable

• Homeliness

• Flying in the face of everything we know

• Sackcloth

• Speculation

• Nose blush

as reported in The New York Times

March 24, 1908
MISS BRUNS WHIPS WRITER.
Lashes Correspondent Because of Story Concerning Her.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I asked that small donkey to clean my place, and man, every nook and cranny is absolutely spotless. That is one…

Highlight here for answer: [thorough burro]


Modern Products in a Vintage Light

There are potentially as many interpretations as there are observers. Every idea, person, or object is potentially simultaneously many things depending on the perspective from which it is viewed. A steer is a steak to a rancher, a sacred object to a Hindu, and a collection of genes and proteins to a molecular biologist.
Ellen Langer

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, MARCH 28, 2008
10:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
The Fairmount
600 W. Magnolia Ave. 76104
FORT WORTH, TX
817.420.9455
thefairmountlive.com
________________________________________________________________

SUNDAY, MARCH 30, 2008
2:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com

Spike Gillespie Presents:
“THE DICK MONOLOGUES”

It’s Gonna Be HOT! HOT! HOT!
DON’T BE THE ONE WHO MISSED IT!

as reported in The New York Times

March 21, 1908
ITALIANS ON ZUST KILL 20 WOLVES.
Auto Racers Surrounded by Savage Animals at Night in Wyoming Mountains.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

You have a very unique way of cowering before me in fear and submission. I could watch you be pathetic all day! Before I whip you, I simply must say that you perform a…

Highlight here for answer: [novel grovel]


If Celebs Moved to Oklahoma
John Travolta

Should Christ be born a thousand times anew,
Despair, O man, unless he’s born in you!
Angelus Silesius

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

Congrats are due Heather Mills
Who won from Paul fifty, um, mils
But in the dominion
Of public opinion
She’s only worth two or three bills

Obama had to give a big speech
On things that his preacher did preach
But he didn’t spew hype
Or sound bites of tripe
As adults he was trying to reach

Five years of war running late
Is cause for a renewed debate
But savior or schmuck
Admire his pluck
The Bush years will last past their eight

Nationwide clouds have been cryin’
Snow, sleet, and rain are a’flyin’
Instead of dry states
We’ve got dire straights
Will March’s lamb o’ercome its lion?

as reported in The New York Times

March 20, 1908
ELEPHANT HUNT IN GEORGIA.
People Organizing to Recapture Two Circus Animals That Escaped.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I like to compliment inanimate objects, especially the blade that makes my face smooth and free of stubble every morning. I say, “You work so well, mister! You are so sharp and precise.” I guess you could call me a…

Highlight here for answer: [razor praiser]


If Celebs Moved to Oklahoma
Jennifer Aniston

The frog’s pee adds to the river.
Haitian proverb

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

I hope this morning finds you rested and well. By the time you read this, I’ll probably be mowing old Mrs. Flomer’s yard down the block. It’s Wednesday, so I know you’ll be working the turnip patch by the time I return home. Might I suggest tuna fish sandwiches for lunch? Three cheers for celery?

I know our lives together have been rather boring since I quit my job as an international spy and you stopped volunteering for Accountants without Borders. Retirement is hard for married people, even those couples who enjoy each other’s kooky company as much as we do. Variety is the spice of life, and frankly, our spice rack is overrun with cobwebs. (I mean that figuratively, of course, but I realize while writing it that our actual spice rack is covered in cobwebs too. If you don’t get a chance to clear those out this morning, I’ll make it a point to add it to my afternoon agenda.)

Anyway, I don’t mean to take up so much of your favorite paisley stationary. I just want to reiterate that I love you very much, and I thank you for forcing me to watch American Idol last night. Usually, the sound of young people singing makes me break out in hives, but those kids do indeed have talent! They hold the microphone tightly like fat, untrusting corporate executives hold the trapeze at a team-building ropes course. They look straight into the camera, completely ignoring the live audience, and you know I love that. Some of them even play instruments and sing at the same time! I honestly don’t know if I can go back to scripted drama beyond my semi-annual viewing of the Murder, She Wrote collection. Idol is my new idol and God Himself dare not judge me for worshipping at its silver toe ring.

That’s all, really. You brought something wonderful and highly-rated into my life, and I need to be faster to thank you for such gifts. When does it come on again? Can we vote using our rotary phone? What was the name of that one guy with the hair? That one girl with the tattoo? We’ll discuss at lunch. 9:45? See you then.

Your loving husband,
Octavio

as reported in The New York Times

March 19, 1908
PADEREWSKI’S $7,500 CHICKS.
Four Sent to Wife of Pianist In Ordinary Crate.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That’s where they mix up the salad ingredients, there where the railroad tracks intersect with the road. What, you’ve lived here all your life and you’ve never heard of…

Highlight here for answer: [Tossing Crossing]


If Celebs Moved to Oklahoma
Johnny Depp

How sweet, how passing sweet, is solitude!
But grant me still a friend in my retreat
Whom I may whisper — solitude is sweet.
William Cowper

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

I am a beacon of positivity
In a small, stuffy tent of acidic bile
I am a bacon slice of tasty pork
In a salad of wilted, functional greens

Some people strive to be absolutely miserable
And make everyone around them just as miserable
Please let it never be said of me

I just want to think my thoughts in peace
And I don’t think that’s too much to ask

I’m not perfect, but I try hard not to bother anyone
“Do no harm”
Right?
It’s not exactly the Golden Rule, but it’s something

Let’s take a step away from this situation
I know I’m capable of spinning gold out of torture
Perhaps I can count sighs in this office
And laugh at the total come 5:01

There’s one

as reported in The New York Times

March 18, 1908
KEPT THE GREEN FLAG UP.
Even American Guns Could Not Make Irish Skipper Take It Down.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

You want to know where the cob comes from, don’t you? Well, the kernel stork visits every stalk in the field, I know that much, but honestly, come to think of it, I’ve never actually seen…

Highlight here for answer: [corn born]


If Celebs Moved to Oklahoma
Cameron Diaz

Better a friendly refusal than an unwilling compliance.
German saying

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com