Southpaw Jones

• Holding water in one hand

• Faking a smile at 30-years-old

• Seeing a Willie Nelson concert without bragging about it

• Holding one’s breath to unconsciousness (attempting now)

• Pretending that human beings are good for the planet

• Removing one’s own appendix

• Remembering one’s office passwords after mini-vacation

• Living through SXSW without missing something cool

• Running a 3-legged race partnered with a burrow

• Finding the cosmic joke funny even when it’s not

as reported in The New York Times

March 17, 1908
AUTOMATIC BRAKES SAVE SUBWAY TRAIN.
Throng of Passengers in Rush Hour Express Unhurt When Coupling Breaks on Curve. RUNNING 25 MILES AN HOUR Without Aid of Motorman or Guards the Two Parts Come to a Halt in 250 Feet.
When a crowded Lenox Avenue express southbound in the Subway parted in the middle yesterday morning at Times Square and the two sections came to a sudden stop with much grinding of brakes, there were few passengers who had time to think of anything but the danger which seemed to threaten them.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Does anyone know how old these Congressional assistants are? I repeat, does anyone know the…

Highlight here for answer: [page’s ages]


If Celebs Moved to Oklahoma
Ashley Simpson

It is Patrick the Legend, of course, who is most engaging and comes to us as something of a happy Celtic party monster.
Charles M. Madigan

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

We call her puppy chow
Because she is lovely
We call him vagrant
‘Cause he is rich
We call her mademoiselle
‘Cause she declared bankruptcy
We call this Happy Town
As you might guess

Who’s got a nickel
For the dime machine
Who’s got a bottle
And a bag of green
Who’s got a nickel
For the dime machine
Who’s gonna drive me home

We call her innocent
Because she gives good head
We call him fidgety
‘Cause he is dead
We call them open-minded
Because they’re members of a cult
We call this paradise
The home of fun

Who’s got a nickel
For the dime machine
Who’s got a bottle
And a bag of green
Who’s got a nickel
For the dime machine
Who’s gonna drive me home

as reported in The New York Times

March 14, 1908
500 PERSONS POISONED.
Ate Chicken and Waffles at Church Social — Many Stores Forced to Close.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

She should not have rubbed that big red mark into your arm! She should treat her brother better than that! You go show this wound to your parents and tell them it’s a…

Highlight here for answer: [sister blister]


Great Clocks of Christendom

Once they got your number, it’s over.
Billy Bob Thornton, on losing creative control after Sling Blade

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

Zilker Park (Spooky) Kite Festival 2008
Pics by Maggie Wilhite

Geraldine Ferraro, where’ve you been?
Making cracks about Obama’s skin?
It is not his race
That helps him to place
It’s more that he’s youthful and thin

Bush foresees a Democrat crater
As they move to a delegate equator
“My party will win it!
Both the House and the Senate
And we’ll greet McCain as liberator.”

Spitzer, turns out, is no saint
Seeing call girls with zero restraint!
But post-Craig and Foley
Gee whiz, holy moly
This scandal feels common and quaint

Some artists become more than fads.
Madonna and Mellencamp are grads
In the Rock Hall of Fame
So is it not a shame
That I still hear their music in ads?

as reported in The New York Times

March 13, 1908
OUR MAIL MAY BE IN JAPAN.
British Officials Say Registered Packages Possibly Went Astray.
The British postal officials are not so confident to-day, as they professed to be yesterday, that the fifteen registered mail packages which disappeared last January were put aboard the White Star liner Celtic and forwarded to New York.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Did you see the Loch Ness Monster today? Doesn’t it look nice in its fancy new clothes? Everyone is gonna want to come see…

Highlight here for answer: [dressy Nessie]


Great Clocks of Christendom

Light itself is a great corrective. A thousand wrongs and abuses that are grown in darkness disappear, like owls and bats, before the light of day.
James A. Garfield

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

Zilker Park (Spooky) Kite Festival 2008
Pics by Maggie Wilhite

SXSW is in full effect here in Austin, and I’m going to enjoy some of the Film Festival today. I’ve never had a film pass before, so I bought one this year like a spontaneous, adventurous person who happened to have $70 lying around. Unfortunately, I then found out I was going to be busy or out of town for some of the fest. Therefore, it is very important in these final days that I get my money’s worth like a non-spontaneous, frugal person.

“Just wait a gosh darn second, Southpaw! Aren’t you a musician? Wouldn’t you want a music wristband instead of a film pass?”

That’s a fine question, fair reader. First off, music wristbanders tend to see more long lines than actual music. Second, I’m not sure you can call me a musician. Have you ever seen me try a guitar solo? I’m just a songwriter, interested in the art of putting words and music together to communicate. Pretentious! Earnest! Yeah, ok, I just don’t believe the music portion of SXSW shares that goal with me entirely. I want to be moved, I want to laugh and cry, and I want to be taken to different worlds. I have confidence in SXSW Film being able to do that for me, and if it doesn’t, I’m sure the Willie concert Saturday will.

I should also add that my little film pass allows me to sit in a dark theater with my hoodie up and not talk to anyone. That’s vacation with a capital V!

as reported in The New York Times

March 12, 1908
GIRL STOPS SAVAGE FIGHT.
Rushes Among Six Men, Who Are Shooting In a Dark Room.
SHAWNEE, Okla. — At a country dance near Kiowa last night an altercation occurred betwen members of the McClutcha and Nichols families.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I saw you chunk that cube of frozen water at me, brat. Don’t you dare throw…

Highlight here for answer: [ice twice]


Great Clocks of Christendom

Set exorbitant standards, and give your people hell when they don’t live up to them. There is nothing so demoralizing as a boss who tolerates second rate work.
David Ogilvy

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

Zilker Park (Spooky) Kite Festival 2008
Pics by Maggie Wilhite

20×2 was great fun last night. It’s a fine event for people who enjoy nerds and show-and-tell, like me. I was the last performer to answer the question “What’s the Difference?” My original plan was to write a goofy song about the undeniable coolness of left-handed people, but then I decided I’d just musically list well-known lefties and well-known righties, so the crowd could come to their own conclusions. I don’t have a recording of my two minutes, but I can at least share the lyrics:

Oprah Winfrey is left-handed
Tyra Banks is right
Kurt Cobain was left-handed
Courtney Love is right

Paul McCartney is left-handed
And Michael Jackson is right
Whoopie Goldberg is left-handed
Rosie O’Donnell is right

Reagan, Bush, Clinton, they were all left-handed!
But Georgie Dubya is right
He says the surge is working, boys
And George W. Bush is right

Handed

Barack Obama is left-handed
Hillary Clinton is right
Pablo Picasso is left-handed
Britney Spears is right

Jimi Hendrix, he was left-handed
John Wilkes Booth was right
He said “The South will rise again”
And John Wilkes Booth was right

Handed

as reported in The New York Times

March 11, 1908
TO STOP DANCE HALL EVILS.
Assembly Passes a Bill Prohibiting Liquor Selling Among Other Things.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Don’t you dare touch that strip of pork! I claimed it, it’s mine. Step away from the…

Highlight here for answer: [taken bacon]


Great Clocks of Christendom

The drunken text message is mightier than the sword.
J.H Evans

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

Zilker Park (Spooky) Kite Festival 2008
Pics by Maggie Wilhite