Southpaw Jones

Tonight features another performance of Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues at Hyde Park Theatre in Austin. You know, as posted on www.dickmonologues.com:

The Dick Monologues is a show about everything dick related from the noun definition to the action verb. Conceived and birthed by Spike Gillespie in July 2007 as a one night revenge-as-art performance, the show was so well received that the dick has continued to grow, with monthly performances including Austin’s top writers, performers and singer-songwriters.

The show was mega-fun when we started almost a year ago, and it has only gotten better. You simply must see it if you haven’t already seen it thrice. The show starts at 7 pm, and you can e-mail spike@spikeg.com to reserve tickets. Come to think of it, I have four tickets to give away personally! Free of charge! If you want to claim one or two of them, I’ll give them on a first come, first served basis. E-mail me at southpaw@southpawjones.com real quick with one or two full names, and I’ll let you know if you were fast enough.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
http://dickmonologues.com

Thursday, Matt the Electrician returns from Alaska to join me at Flipnotics @ the Triangle. I’ll be on vacation next week, so come get us while the gettin’s good!

THURSDAY, APRIL 24
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

as reported in The New York Times

April 24, 1908
OLYMPIC AND TITANIC.
Names of White Star Leviathans, to be More Than 840 Feet Long.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I really should go to the workout facility more often. Every time I hit the treadmill and those weight machines, I get that vigor, that renewed capacity for movement and activity. I call it my…

Highlight here for answer: [gym vim]


Ice Cream People

Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you.
William Arthur Ward

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com

• If you’ve ever mowed your astroturf and found a slave ship, you might be a redneck surrealist.

• If your rainbow gazelle eats domino soup from Taco Bell, you might be a redneck surrealist.

• If you can belch sparkles and say your name backwards in Choctaw, you just might be a redneck surrealist.

• You might be a redneck surrealist if your coffee table was once a continental shelf.

• If you wake up with a black eye, a hickey, and a transparent, trapezoidal eye-patch, you might look into considering the fact that you could be a redneck surrealist.

• Chances are you’re a redneck surrealist if you spit sunflower seed shells just to watch them give birth to Lilliputians who play postmodern bluegrass inside the flat tire on your roof.

• If you’ve ever parked a Camaro in a tie-dyed sarcophagus, you might have a leaning toward the cultural demographic known as redneck surrealist.

• In certain circles, you could consider yourself a redneck surrealist if your flying tractor runs on fish bait and marital frustration.

as reported in The New York Times

April 22, 1908
STUDENT CHORUS ON STRIKE NOW
New York University Show in Danger of “Fizzling” Unless Somebody Backs Down.
Heedless of the awful fiasco their action may cause, the member of the chorus of “Cap’n Kidd and Company,” the ‘Varsity show of New York University, which has been billed to open at Carnegie Lyceum on Friday night, have gone on strike because their names were left off the programme to make room for a belated advertisement.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

This paint pen is too light! Too light! Matt Lauer won’t be able to read this through the window! I need something bold. Does anyone have a…

Highlight here for answer: [darker marker]


Ice Cream People

Good friendship is like an outdoor cat. Just hangin’ out. It can take care of itself. It can be gone for a couple of days, it’ll come back, no big deal. . . Once in a while it’ll get eaten by a coyote.
Adam Carolla

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com

You know, Those People Who Access Electronic Devices for More than 30 Seconds During a Live Concert (If They Aren’t Trying to Find a Friend or Take Professional Photos or Run the Soundboard)

• What’s your problem?

• Why are you here?

• What planet are you from and what do they eat there?

• What’s it like to be a part of THAT generation?

• You didn’t pay to get in here, did you?

• Has anyone ever told you how bright and distracting that thing is?

• If I smacked you, would anyone come to your defense?

• Would you stare at that thing during a movie?

• How long have you been playing Tetris? You’re pretty good.

• Would you use that thing during a funeral?

• How long would YouTube survive without your shaky video and horrible audio of half of this song?

• Is this huge crowd and incredibly loud rock show distracting you?

• Doesn’t your phone have memory?

• I mean, won’t those stupid messages be there for you after the show?

• Have you ever lived in the moment?

• If so, did you find the experience objectionable somehow?

as reported in The New York Times

April 21, 1908
SACRILEGE BEFORE THE POPE.
Non-Catholics Kneel at Altar and Receive Communion from His Hands.
ROME — From the time of St. Peter to that of Plus X. the history of Papacy fails to record such a grave sacrilege is that which was committed yesterday inside the Vatican, under the eyes of the Pontiff himself.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

So you can eat just one of those Hershey’s chocolate-covered caramel things? I’m impressed. There’s no way I could stop at a…

Highlight here for answer: [solo Rolo]


Ice Cream People

If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn’t thinking.
George S. Patton

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com

On that “debate,” from me to ya:
I sob for the state of our media
I used several tissues
They hardly talked issues!
Why couldn’t the questions be meatiah?

Is Barack right to use the word bitter?
That word still has pundits atwitter
That lass on YouTube
Calls her husband a boob
She embodies that term, don’t it fit her?

The Pope has arrived, blessed day!
Faithful Catholics flock to obey
How might he handle
The sex abuse scandal?
Maybe ix-nay the elibacy-bay?

Bush turns his mind to the climate
It’s a big hill, he’s sure we can climb it
Despite new conviction
He won’t seek restriction
Some beast is quite skeptical (I’m it.)

as reported in The New York Times

April 18, 1908
EXPLAINS FAT MEN’S STRUT.
Prof. Robinson Also Gives the Reason for Their Fierce Looks.
PARIS, April 17. — “Why do fat men walk with a proud carriage, and, despite their joviality, often have a fierce look in the eye?” was the question discussed at length to-day before the French Academy of Sciences by Prof. Robinson, the eminent savant.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Why is it that every mesa in every coffeehouse is wobbly and precarious? I’m trying to play a legitimate game of Jenga here, so can anyone point me toward a…

Highlight here for answer: [stable table]


Model Railroad Slums

Danny and I worked together for 40 years - he was the most wonderfully fluid keyboard player and a pure natural musician. I loved him very much…we grew up together.
Bruce Springsteen, on the passing of The Minister of Mystery, Brother Danny Federici

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SAUTRDAY, APRIL 19
8:00 PM
Opening for Will Kimbrough
Bend Studio
5014 McKinney Ave. 75205
DALLAS, TX
214.841.9642
www.bendstudio.com
$20, Doors at 7 pm.

The year is 2008. Robots put on our socks for us. Nano-drones monitor our breathing and our blood. Optical implants allow our mothers to see what we see twenty-four hours a day until they fall out like tears at the age of thirty-five. Music emits from our ear lobes, and song selections are based on the clothes we have on at the time. I’m not complaining. I love technology, and this is an exciting time to be alive.

But sometimes I yearn. Do you ever yearn? Do ya?

Sometimes I stay in a hot shower so long I can drop half a dime in my wrinkly fingertips.

Sometimes I drive by and throw an egg at city hall. Certainly not a chicken egg, more like a tiny sphere of caviar, but still.

Sometimes I want to take busses all around the country until I meet twelve men named Moses.

Sometimes I just have to be a solo singer-songwriter.

You can witness me doing just that in Austin tonight. Matt the Electrician has gone to perform in Alaska, and he said I could play romantic songs, serious songs, silly songs, and seriously silly songs while he’s away. I’m looking forward to it.

One of my goals for the evening is to resurrect my long dormant search for The Perfect Medley of Original and Cover Music in the American Key of G. I’d like to push it past 25 minutes this time. That doesn’t seem like something you should miss, so come on down!

THURSDAY, APRIL 17
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

Saturday in Dallas, I’ll open for one of my heroes, Will Kimbrough. I’ve been enjoying his amazing guitar-picking since I lived in Nashville ten years ago, and he played with Todd Snider. He is not one of those guitarists who plays notes just because they are technically difficult and impressive. He plays notes because they sound beautiful or true or mean or whatever fits the song. I later found out he’s an amazing singer-songwriter, too, so I started to snatch up all his solo records. His last album, Americanitis, was political without being yucky, a true feat. He writes from the perspective of a family man, also without being yucky. He’s the real deal.

Will is not coming to Austin this time around, but I saw that he was heading to the wonderful Bend Studio in Dallas, and I had to go. I asked to open the show so I would have a “professional excuse” to drive up there and witness a great American play great American music. If you live in the area, you should join us. I wholeheartedly recommend it.

SAUTRDAY, APRIL 19
8:00 PM
Opening for Will Kimbrough
Bend Studio
5014 McKinney Ave. 75205
DALLAS, TX
214.841.9642
www.bendstudio.com
$20, Doors at 7 pm.

That’s the news from Lake Southpaw. Don’t forget to check southpawjones.com every weekday for your dose of Vitamin SPJ.

as reported in The New York Times

April 17, 1908
CIRCUS ELEPHANTS IN PANIC.
Explosion Scatters Them In California City — Country Is Terrorized.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Sometimes I wonder if he is actually preparing for the big fight physically. We see him go into the gym every day, but I’ve never seen footage of him working out or sparring. Is he just psyching us all out? Do you think he could be…

Highlight here for answer: [feigning training]


Model Railroad Slums

When Barack Obama met Hillary Clinton for another televised Democratic candidates’ debate last night, it was more than a step forward in the 2008 presidential election. It was another step downward for network news — in particular ABC News, which hosted the debate from Philadelphia and whose usually dependable anchors, Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos, turned in shoddy, despicable performances.
Tom Shales LINK

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SAUTRDAY, APRIL 19
8:00 PM
Opening for Will Kimbrough
Bend Studio
5014 McKinney Ave. 75205
DALLAS, TX
214.841.9642
www.bendstudio.com
$20, Doors at 7 pm.