Southpaw Jones

Hillary Clinton’s still going!
Hefty sums to herself she be owing
She used the word “whites”
Having run out of Wrights
She’s lost in all ways ‘cept the knowing
LINK

Myanmar leaders have shown
They don’t want our help post-cyclone
While in dire straits
They act like the States
Stubbornly standing alone
LINK

“Been a while since I used the word ‘swallered’
But it fit when my purty wife hollered
She called it a sink hole
But I prefer ‘stink bowl’!
Our small Texas town just got smallered.”
LINK

Did you know men get post-baby blues?
Twice as sad as wild, childless crews
It ain’t that complex
Less sleep and less sex
I hope no one paid for this news
LINK

as reported in The New York Times

May 9, 1908
MONEY IF FAITH IS CHANGED.
Episcopalian Clergyman Must Turn Catholic to Obtain $15,000 Bequest.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I make sound effects for a Christian radio show. People assume that it’s just hammering nails into boards and yelling “Crucify him!” into a microphone, but there’s a great deal of variety involved in…

Highlight here for answer: [holy foley]


Ugly Bugs

All phenomena are real in some sense, unreal in some sense, meaningless in some sense, real and meaningless in some sense, unreal and meaningless in some sense, and real and unreal and meaningless in some sense.
Robert Anton Wilson

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

My post-vacation return to normalcy continues tonight at 8 pm, as I’ll perform with Matt the Electrician at Flipnotics @ the Triangle in Austin. Tonight’s Song Title Challenge is Full Body Experience. What will I come up with? Your guess is as good as mine! Come on down tonight to find out.

After posting a whiny blog yesterday about the work-a-day world, I’ve decided to be proactive and find a new way out of the rat race. I think it’s time for me to write a book. In fact, I long to be the last person to produce each type of media before it becomes obsolete. “Southpaw Jones was the last man to release a compact disc,” they’ll say in 2056, “and then he killed the very last tree to make something called a tome!”

Let’s say I were to propose and/or write a book based on the format of this here site, including non-fiction essays, short stories, poetry, even Rhyme Time. I’d need a super title to get my foot in the door of any respectable publisher. So let’s get started! Rome was not built in a day, the journey of 1,000 miles begins with one step, and I was born and raised in the briar patch! Here are some potential titles with my name attached to every single one for effect:

Missle Annie and other Specificities
by Southpaw Jones

If It Ain’t Broke, Take Its Money
by Southpaw Jones

Church-Going for Non-Believers
Finding Truth in Dogma and Free Coffee on Sunday Morning
by Southpaw Jones

You’re Doing Great and other Lies
by Southpaw Jones

Grace in the Face of Mace
by Southpaw Jones

The Slightly Flawed Bush Presidency
by Southpaw Jones

“Where’s the Far?” and Other Cowboy Requests for Slower Pace
by Southpaw Jones

What do you think? Is there any gold here?

as reported in The New York Times

May 8, 1908,
WANTS NEW HYMNAL.
Episcopal Church Clubs Hear Recommendation for Fresher Tunes.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Do you like the painting? The upright tripod behind it is more impressive, if you ask me. It moves around the room on tiny wheels, displaying my favorite works in different locales. Unfortunately, it runs on the most expensive type of fuel. Trucker fuel, no less! But I can afford it, and I’m very proud of my…

Highlight here for answer: [diesel easel]


Ugly Bugs

What do I want from this life? What makes you happy is not enough. All the things that satisfy our instincts only satisfy the animal in us. I want to be proud of myself. I want more. I want to look up to myself and when I die, I want to smile because of the things I have done, not cry for the things I haven’t done.
Tom Hurndall

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

I guess it’s been quite a while since I’ve gone on a real vacation. Most of my “vacations” have involved touring or performing in some way. Now I’ve got a full-time job which allows for a little worry-free, work-free time out-of-town. I should be grateful, but now I find it very hard to return to that job after spending five days in the sun and fresh air.

Part of the mutt-blood inside me is Native American, and it is that part that screams loudest when I walk into the realm of fluorescent lights five times a week. Why can’t my mutt-blood make me smart enough to take care of my needs and wants without working in Goober Town?

I find comfort in the fact that I really don’t have to be alert or engaged at work. I can daydream, plan, and fantasize because I’ve got the job down, and I can thrive on auto-pilot most of the time. Auto-pilot means I can put my mental feet up on the mental cockpit dashboard and interlock my mental fingers behind my mental head. I might even think of a song or a joke from time to time. “At least they don’t have my mind,” I brag.

When I’m most positive about work, I think maybe I should pay them to let me hang out in air-conditioned comfort, think my thoughts, perfect a routine, and stay out of trouble.

I’m not that positive today.

as reported in The New York Times

May 7, 1908
THE WRIGHTS FLY 1,000 FEET.
New Aeroplane Will Be Sent for 150-Mile Test Soon.
MANTEO, N.C. — The Wright brothers, the aeronauts, now at Kill Devil Hill, near here, made the first flight in their new aeroplane this afternoon. Although but a test flight, it was successful in every respect, the machine, under the perfect control of its two makers, traveling for a distance of 1,000 feet.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

We had a long, rowdy drinking party just leaning on the bumper of my car. It was awesome. I’ll have to give you a call next time we have a…

Highlight here for answer: [fender bender]


Ugly Bugs

The world’s as ugly, ay, as Sin,—
And almost as delightful.
Frederick Locker-Lampson, The Jester’s Plea

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

That’s right, sweet Maggie and I have returned from the edge of civilization and our excellent adventure. I won’t bore you will all the details, because I’m pretty exhausted, but here are 10 Highlights:

• An omelet kolache from the Rather Sweet Bakery & Café in Fredericksburg
• Seeing the mysterious Marfa Lights (maybe the 1st night, definitely the 2nd)
• Viewing Andy Warhol’s Last Supper at the Ayn Foundation gallery
• The absolute silence of FM-170
• One night in the desolate oasis of Chinati Hot Springs
• A hot springs bath in a blue tile tub
• An amazing drive through Big Bend Ranch State Park
• Using a star map to find constellations on top of a picnic table in Chisos Basin
• Hiking through Santa Elena Canyon in Big Bend National Park and dipping our hands in the Rio Grande
• Chicken Poop Bingo at Marfa’s Cinco de Mayo Celebration (on 5/4)

For realism and balance, here are some Lowlights:

• Finding half a desert bird in the grille of my car
• NOT seeing a bear nor a mountain lion
• The aloof hipsters of Marfa
• Seemingly random operating hours of restaurants and bookstores
• Picture-taking, scenery-hogging Europeans
• Dry dryness
• No washcloths in the hotel!

And finally, Animals we saw up close:

• Deer
• Skunk
• Roadrunner
• Cardinal
• Burro
• Hound

Now let’s see if I can face reality for the rest of the week.

as reported in The New York Times

May 6, 1908
TRIP IN BIGGEST BALLOON.
A. Holland Forbes Flies 75 Miles in the Conqueror.
NORTH ADAMS, Mass. — A. Holland Forbes of New York made today the first ascent in his new balloon, the biggest in America. Before the ascent his daughter, Miss Natalie Forbes, named the balloon The Conqueror.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Those prickly desert plants work on cool new poses at night when no one is looking. I know they rehearse for the next day of stillness, but I’ve never witnessed it. Have you ever seen a…

Highlight here for answer: [cactus practice]


Ugly Bugs

Vacation is what you take when you can’t take what you’ve been taking any longer.
Cowardly Lion

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

Alrighty, today is my last day of vacation with Maggie in West Texas. I wonder what I’m doing right now. Probably driving or looking at candy bars in a highway gas station. Or blasting Springsteen and pointing at the horizon. I’ll be back with a fresh perspective tomorrow.

as reported in The New York Times

May 5, 1908
RIX NOW ON TRIAL FOR PIANO SCANDAL
Accused of Accepting as New Pianos He Knew Had Been Used.
Frank R. Rix, one of the two music directors of the New York public schools, was placed on trial last night before the Committee on Buildings of the Board of Education on charges of “misconduct and neglect of duty” which grew out of the investigation of the “piano scandal.”

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That brownish-yellow bear is so huge, he has his own weather system! Sometimes his fur is dry and sunny, but today, he’s all wet with light rain. That’s what we call a…

Highlight here for answer: [drizzly grizzly]


Ugly Bugs

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
Robert Frost

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com