Southpaw Jones

Happy Friday! I apologize if you have already seen this via myspace or e-mail. Share it with friends if you find it informative.

My name is Southpaw Jones. You may remember me from such activities as singing and making stuff up. That’s what I do, and I do it, well, as well as well. I don’t mince words, and I don’t appease evildoers. I don’t even talk to plain doers just to be safe. I try (and fail) at every turn to show interest in financial, emotional, and national security. I wear white undershirts over and over until they float off my body and morph into beautiful low-lying clouds. Don’t vote for me.

It’s time for a Mid-Spring Worldwide Update. I have shows coming up in Austin, New Braunfels, and Houston. I want to invite you to visit my living, breathing site every weekday. And I have big, coming-soon news regarding a long-awaited Southpaw Jones studio record.

I still play every Thursday at Austin’s Flipnotics @ the Triangle with Matt the Electrician, and we still make up new songs every week using Ye Olde Title Challenge System. (Tonight’s title is “Minivan Megafun.”) Friday, I’ll make my solo debut at Oma Gruene, a cool bier garden & wine cellar in New Braunfels. May 28 features another ensemble performance of Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues in Austin. Matt and I return to Houston’s legendary Anderson Fair on June 20. I’ll include the EXTREME details for each of these gigs below.

If you have a solid routine like I do, I recommend you add weekday visits to southpawjones.com. Monday through Friday mornings, I take to the web with random thoughts, limericks, rants, and cute updates like this. In addition, I provide wonderful little daily rituals called 100 Years Ago in the New York Times, Rhyme Time, Quotopia, and Online Museum of the Week. The site is designed to be a day-brightener, and it is the new frontier of my creative efforts. If you dig it, please tell your friends.

Some recent highlights…
10 Years Post-Seinfeld:
http://www.southpawjones.net/no-hugging-no-learning/
You Might Be a Redneck Surrealist:
http://www.southpawjones.net/you-might-be-a-redneck-surrealist/
This Week in Limerick:
http://www.southpawjones.net/this-week-in-limerick-14/

Finally, I’m proud to say that a full studio recording project I began in 2005 is finally, almost, just about done. It’s called CRUELTY, and it is the masterpiece of my forgotten twenties. I’m not going to announce a release date just yet, but I will say that it has 13 original Southpaw Jones songs, filled out by some of Austin’s finest musicians. The sounds are organic, warm, and raw. I’m excited about it. Start saving $15 worth of nickels, because CRUELTY is coming your way later this year.

That’s my news. Thanks for reading and supporting!

Southpaw
http://southpawjones.com
http://myspace.com/southpawjones

as reported in The New York Times

May 16, 1908
CHURCH WORK CRITICISED.
Should Make Poverty the Sin of the Well-to-Do, Says Pastor Wells.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

The judge has a smaller wooden hammer to use anytime she goes out of town. Order in the carry-on bag! That’s where you’ll find her…

Highlight here for answer: [travel gavel]


LSD vs Alcohol vs Tree

A man snatches the first kiss, pleads for the second, demands the third, takes the fourth, accepts the fifth - and endures all the rest.
Helen Rowland

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8 pm
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, MAY 16, 2008
8:00 PM
Oma Gruene’s Backyard Bier Garden & Wine Cellar
1263 Gruene Rd 78130
NEW BRAUNFELS, TX
1-830-626-6543
www.omagruene.com/bier.html
________________________________________________________________
WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 2008
9:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant St. 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com
Doors open at 8:00pm

El Trip to West Texas, May 1-5, 2008

Hail, rain, and violent winds pounded my apartment and neighborhood last night. I didn’t get much sleep, and I had to shower in the dark because the power was out. I had to eat cereal with no TV or radio to keep my mind off the usual thoughts of impending death. Where was I? Ah, yes. Hear are some acceptable reactions to “good morning” on such a day as this:

• Grrr.
• Good what?
• Eat it.
• Take it back.
• Eat it with a bagel.
• Go back to Dumb Town and run for mayor, Mr. Early Morning Talky Face.
• Eat it with an everything bagel and wash your fingertips in lime water afterward.
• Sez you.
• Eat it with a donut and regret the calories later.
• I’m don’t get it.

as reported in The New York Times

May 15, 1908
DOG IS HIS LEGAL PARTNER.
Real Estate Man Says the Terrier Is the Only Friend He Can Trust.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

My uncle was a professor of logic. During his thirty-five years of classroom instruction, he…

Highlight here for answer: [taught thought]


LSD vs Alcohol vs Tree

The odd thing is that we are so used to the triumph of evil, of might over right, that the very consciousness of being right makes us feel doomed and we capitulate in advance.
Valeriy Tarsis

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8 pm
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, MAY 16, 2008
8:00 PM
Oma Gruene’s Backyard Bier Garden & Wine Cellar
1263 Gruene Rd 78130
NEW BRAUNFELS, TX
1-830-626-6543
www.omagruene.com/bier.html
________________________________________________________________
WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com

El Trip to West Texas, May 1-5, 2008

The day has arrived. We are now officially ten years removed from the final episode of Seinfeld, one of the greatest works of art ever broadcast on television. Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David held fast to their two rules throughout the 9-year series: “No hugging, no learning.” They did not aspire to examine the forest of human existence, just the trees. They dealt with our basic needs: food, shelter, clothing, relationships, and sex. A show about nothing. And everything, if not Everything.

They asked the question, “WHAT are we doing in this modern world?” In some ways, they also asked, “Isn’t it weird that we do these things?” But they never asked, “WHY do we do the things we do?” As a result of either wisdom or apathy, they kept the big questions of the human condition distant and voluntary, up to each individual viewer.

The show never preached an outright sermon. It only presented truths. It didn’t say, “Don’t be selfish. Don’t lie.” Instead, it said, “Wow, everyone is selfish, and everyone lies, even though selfishness and lying consistently result in double trouble.”

Seinfeld and David were a perfect peanut butter and jelly team. You can watch Seinfeld’s stand-up routine and David’s excellent Curb Your Enthusiasm to see the personal themes that came together so well in their lengthy collaboration. Seinfeld tends to focus on the world out there: “Isn’t it silly? Isn’t it random? Who are these people?” David tackles the external world, too, but he includes himself more in the mix: “What is wrong with me? I can’t believe the way I behave on a daily basis!” Hence Larry David’s doppelganger became neurotic George, and Jerry’s on-screen character became the straight man, greeting each new dose of madness with a flippant or bemused “That’s a shame.”

I believe that both men have a clear sense of strong, old-school, Jewish justice. The best evidence for this is the finale of the show. They actually put their characters on trial, and found them guilty of anti-social, unproductive, plain mean behavior. In a sense, they not only condemned the premise and appeal of the show itself, they also judged the American audience for being so quick to relate to their everyday monsters. It’s no wonder folks didn’t enjoy the end of the series as much as they hoped to. I loved it, personally. The ultimate lesson of Seinfeld was this: “Hug and learn, or wind up in a cage of your own making.”

as reported in The New York Times

May 14, 1908
PLOT TO KIDNAP BRYAN, JR.
Reported That Plan Was Formed to Lure Him to Texas Lake.
GALVESTON — It is reported here that William Jennings Bryan, Jr., who is visiting in South Texas, was made the victim of an attempted kindapping on Galveston Bay about twenty-five miles south of Houston. It is said he was approached in Houston by a man who said he was a friend of the young man’s father and invited on a hunting expedition at Clear Lake.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I’m worried about that young lass. Her boyfriend has a corn cob pipe, a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal! Isn’t she worried about what summertime will do to her…

Highlight here for answer: [snow beau]


LSD vs Alcohol vs Tree

There is no loneliness like the loneliness of crowds, especially to those who are unaccustomed to them.
H. Rider Haggard

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8 pm
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, MAY 16, 2008
8:00 PM
Oma Gruene’s Backyard Bier Garden & Wine Cellar
1263 Gruene Rd 78130
NEW BRAUNFELS, TX
1-830-626-6543
www.omagruene.com/bier.html
________________________________________________________________
WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com

El Trip to West Texas, May 1-5, 2008

One of those national morning shows featured West Virginia primary voters today, and one woman came right out and said, “I won’t vote for Obama because he’s a Muslim.” It’s so refreshing to see that even Democrats can be ignorant, paranoid sacks.

By the rule of Unique Name = Muslim, here are some other definite sleeper cell members:

• Oprah Winfrey
• Uma Thurman
• Alabama
• Fozzie Bear
• Aretha Franklin
• Carrot Top
• Yoda
• Winona Ryder
• Mutual of Omaha
• Yao Ming

By the way, my favorite part of all this silliness is the Obama Muslim myth paradoxically combined with the Reverend Wright controversy: “The minister of his Christian church is angry and wild, so we can’t vote for him, plus he’s a Muslim!” Could it be he’s an alien posing as a Muslim who attends a Christian church just for the good tunes? I think you’ve got to pick one. If the church is a cover for decades of plotting to put a Muslim in the White House, we can safely ignore the Reverend Wright stuff. Obama has just been sitting through those sermons in a trancelike state thinking, “Destroy America. Bring down the infidel. Make honkeys in West Virginia suffer!” However, if you think the Rev. Wright controversy has more legs, you should probably forget about the Muslim subplot.

That’s my free advice to the mayonnaise sandwich-eating sister-kissing racists of America. But for the record, a secret terrorist Black Panther president could do no worse than George W. Bush. What’s he gonna do? Start an unnecessary, expensive war with a dictator that Muslims deem secular, make a ton of money for Middle East oil nations, and sit on his hands domestically? Think about it. It’s always the one you least suspect.

So ends my political rant for the month.

as reported in The New York Times

May 13, 1908
“SWEETBREADS FOR BRAINS.”
Roosevelt’s Latest Attack on a Senator Angers His Colleagues.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Seems like folks always go Benedict Arnold and betray their government around this time of year. Must be…

Highlight here for answer: [treason season]


LSD vs Alcohol vs Tree

Which do I prefer? Sex or chess? It depends on the position.
Boris Spassky

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8 pm
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, MAY 16, 2008
8:00 PM
Oma Gruene’s Backyard Bier Garden & Wine Cellar
1263 Gruene Rd 78130
NEW BRAUNFELS, TX
1-830-626-6543
www.omagruene.com/bier.html
________________________________________________________________
WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com

El Trip to West Texas, May 1-5, 2008

Do you have the name of an ex-lover permanently inked into your skin? Trying to give yourself a clean epidermal slate? Matt the Electrician was telling me the most common (and most unfortunate) cover-up for a tattoo is an 8-ball. That makes me sad.

I thought I might start a dating service for folks who can’t escape the past every time they take a shower or go to the pool. Before they try tattoo removal, before they try to cover it up with a bigger tattoo, they should let me help them find a new boyfriend or girlfriend with that same etched name!

Let’s say you’ve got MARIA tattooed on your right arm with a mermaid and hearts. My staff and I would search your metropolitan area for women who share your interests, socio-economic standing, and that specific, lovely name. How hard could it be? We could also look for girls named Mary, Marian, even Marta! That’d be a quick fix. We would also have a database of desperate folks willing to change their name on a whim.

I was all excited about the idea this morning, but I ran into my first obstacle when I discovered that tattoops dot com is already taken. Oh, well.

as reported in The New York Times

May 12, 1908
MRS. LONGWORTH’S JOKE.
Puts Tack on a Chair in House Gallery and Visitor Sits on It.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Did you know you have some rotting crumbs and shredded paper in the hair above your lip? Are you going to do something about that…

Highlight here for answer: [’stache trash]


LSD vs Alcohol vs Tree

Human nature is the same now as when Adam hid from the presence of God; the consciousness of wrong makes us unwilling to meet those whom we have offended.
Matthew Simpson

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8 pm
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, MAY 16, 2008
8:00 PM
Oma Gruene’s Backyard Bier Garden & Wine Cellar
1263 Gruene Rd 78130
NEW BRAUNFELS, TX
1-830-626-6543
www.omagruene.com/bier.html
________________________________________________________________
WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com

El Trip to West Texas, May 1-5, 2008