Southpaw Jones

You now have 13 days to live your life without CRUELTY!
How shall you spend them?
CD Release Tuesday, July 29 @ Cactus Cafe.

Why don’t we elect a robot president? That seems to be what the far right wants these days. Humans are great, sure, but they do this thing where they adjust their positions and change their minds as conditions change. Both candidates in this 2008 race have been known to “flip-flop.” It’s a stupid term, but it sure did kill John Kerry.

Obama said this, but now he says this. McCain said this, but now he says this. Some people just can’t take it. They must be steadfast stalwarts of stability in their own lives.

“I used to drive a gas-guzzling SUV for no good reason, but now that gas is $5 a gallon…I still drive a gas-guzzling SUV for no good reason. I ain’t no flip-flopper!”

“I thought going to war with Iraq was a good idea, because I thought Saddam had weapons of mass destruction and ties to 9/11. Now that I know he never had the weapons or the ties…well, I still think going to war with Iraq was a good idea. Nay, a great idea! I am a man of principle!”

“I used to shop at Wal-Mart, but then I learned that all the money I spend there goes straight to China and Sam Walton’s fat, spoiled, redneck children. As a result of that knowledge, I still shop at Wal-Mart. Steady as she goes, Cap’n!”

I suppose George W. Bush has been the closest thing we’ve had to a robot in the White House. He always said, “You may not agree with me, but at least you know where I stand.” That’s right, George, you stand on the rubble of a once great country in which you stuck your ketchup-covered plastic fork of stubborn stupidity.

“I will lower taxes. I will eliminate Saddam. I will do my best to destroy social security. I will let polluters pollute. I will not seek international alliances. I will listen to Cheney and Rumsfeld. I will not appoint anyone smarter than I. I will laugh in the face of destruction, mayhem, death, and the apocalypse.”

Jeez, you know, that guy is upright and solid. Is this why people wanted to have a beer with him? Because he’s the opinionated, loud-mouthed twit that keeps the conversation going and makes every other dude look wise by comparison?

Right-wingers, it’s not too late! Nominate a robot at the Republican Convention, but be careful! If you program the robot to kill all terrorists, he might go after certain members of the CIA or the military! If you program the robot to lower taxes, he might accidently lower taxes for the struggling middle class, not the wealthy and the oil companies. If you program the robot to wage a war on drugs, he might take your cigarettes, cigars, caffeine, Viagra, Prozac, whiskey, and brandy away. And you won’t get a chance to reprogram him until 2012!

I. Am. Your. New. President.
I. Do. Not. Change. My. Electronic. Mind.
I. Hope. To. Reduce. Our. Dependence. On. Oil.
But. I. Could. Use. Some. WD-40. On. My. Stainless. Steel. Kneecap.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.

as reported in The New York Times

July 16, 1908
KILLS OLD MINISTER IN VILLAGE STREET
Ne’er-Do-Well Shoots Down Aged Metuchen Man Who Once Sent Him to Jail. PLANNED REVENGE 2 YEARS Posse Pursues Murderer and He Surrenders After Accidentally Shooting Himself in the Hand.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That $145 container of oil is wild, unprocessed, and untamed. It just rolled out of the woods! Proceed at your own risk if you’re going to approach that…

Highlight here for answer: [feral barrel]


Retro Kid Cereals

The natural hoof, like natural locomotion, is what nature has intended for the hooves of the modern horse. The natural shaped hoof found among wild horses in the outback is nothing less than a structural masterpiece; it has no rivals among domesticated horses anywhere.
Jaime Jackson

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

TUESDAY, JULY 29, 2008
Cactus Cafe
The Texas Union, 24th & Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
CD Release Celebration for CRUELTY!
(512) 475-6515
www.utexas.edu/txunion/ae/cactus/index.php