Southpaw Jones

Did you know I’m a grammar nerd?
Could you guess?
Well, I’m not sure if this is a grammar issue or a style issue, but I haTe passive voice with a capital T.

Passive voice is the nasty habit of placing a direct object before one’s subject/predicate and using a form of “to be.”

For instance,
“I kicked the ball.”
flipped into passive voice would be
“The ball was kicked by me.”

Mr. Stephen King explains it better, of course:

“How about this: My first kiss will be recalled by me as how my romance with Shayna was begun. Oh, man–who farted, right? A simpler way to express this idea–sweeter and more forceful, as well–might be this: My romance with Shayna began with our first kiss. I’ll never forget it.”

Since I dislike the propaganda machine Fox News almost as much as I dislike passive voice, I’ve decided to pick on them this morning. Here are some utterly unnecessary instances of passive voice (and my suggestions for improvement) from FoxNews.com this morning.

Southern California Hot Spot Hits 812 Degrees, Baffles Experts

“Firefighters were brought to the scene after reports of a blaze, but by the time they arrived only smoldering dirt and brush remained.”

Tsk tsk!
“Reports of a blaze brought firefighters to the scene, but…” Ah, sweet relief.

Flight Attendant Sues Wife of Evangelist Joel Osteen Over Alleged Air-Rage Incident

“Joel Osteen’s weekly television address is broadcast nationally and internationally.”

Tsk tsk!
“Joel Osteen’s weekly television address airs nationally and internationally.”

“According to court documents, Brown claims that she suffers from anxiety and hemorrhoids because of the incident and said her faith was affected.”

Ok, that’s not passive voice, that’s just hilarious.

Mountain Lion in Bedroom Kills Family Dog

“Mack and Jacquie Anderson told Denver television stations that their 12-year-old Labrador named Scout was killed by the lion. Another dog sleeping in the room wasn’t harmed.”

Tsk tsk!
“Mack and Jacquie Anderson told Denver television stations that the lion killed their 12-year-old Labrador named Scout and left another dog sleeping in the room unharmed.”
Hmm, that’s a rather long sentence, but it’s worth it!

Cheney Attendance at Republican Convention Still a Question

“Cheney has low approval ratings and is widely regarded as a secretive, behind-the-scenes power broker.”

Tsk tsk!
“Cheney has low approval ratings and citizens of the world consider him a secretive, behind-the-scenes power broker.”
Much better!

Anywayz, I hope you’ve enjoyed this glimpse into the rampant passive voice abuse that language dorks face every minute of every day. Next time you write something, please let our sensibilities be considered by you. Thanks.

as reported in The New York Times

August 6, 1908
HUNG BY HIS TEETH HALF HOUR IN AIR
Coney Island Slack Wire Performer Finally Rescued from Peril with Life Net.
WIFE, WATCHING, FAINTS
Buffeted by Half a Gale as He Hung by the Jaws High Up to a Leather Thong.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

You may not take a ride on this female horse unless you pay the price. Please hand over your…

Highlight here for answer: [mare fare]


Concept Typography Artwork, Animal Kingdom

I don’t care how much a man talks, if he only says it in a few words.
Josh Billings

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