Southpaw Jones

It’s Friday, fair reader! Thanks for stopping by. Today, I’m giving everyone some homework for the weekend. I’ll provide a list of characters, and you’ll write a novel that includes them. It’ll be fun!

Jacques Myanmar – evil, cunning, sweats vegetable oil, hopes to save his soul by shaving his forearms regularly, hates clothing, disrobes instantly upon arriving at home, exhibits grace under pressure, exercises pressure when others are graceful.

Annie Clumb – preacher’s daughter, loves to work on cars but refuses to ride in them, flat-footed, obsessed with the return of the Cold War, a morning person, she has written and printed unbiased restaurant reviews since she was five, she is now thirty-two, her readership has peaked at two dozen.

Treylon Clipper – dashing fat man, acquitted following a lengthy trial in which the judge’s official statement read, “Not one single soul in town believes you to be capable or cool enough to steal this amount of cash,” thought to be utterly without talent until cricket was popularized in the U.S.

Ever Triangulated – 5-foot-tall bronze robot, performs menial and accounting tasks for the richest family in town, a notorious chatterbox, loves gossip, racist, programmed as male, dressed as a French maid last Halloween to the delight of all.

Flexi McGrath – daughter of the town’s eccentric inventor, carries bacon around in secret denim pockets, able to fly but only millimeters off the ground, claims to have visited biblical times via her father’s time machine, ate many olives, got sick, returned.

Happy writing! Come back Monday…

The Dodo never had a chance. He seems to have been invented for the sole purpose of becoming extinct and that was all he was good for.
Will Cuppy, How to Become Extinct

Again With the Comics




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Every individual fuzzy fruit, dang it!

Highlight here for answer: [each peach]



Thursday, October 4th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

I’m a dragon.

Rawr.

Flap. Flap.

Them’s the sound of my wings.

I like meat. A lot.

One time, I scoped an orca out of the ocean. Ate it up. Raw. No one was around. I wasn’t showing off. Just hungry.

What do you do when you’re hungry? Buy a burger? How’s that working out for you? Still puny, I see.

Certain parts of a dragon are sensitive, you know. I’m telling you this because you obviously pose no threat to me. The base of the tail. The tip of the beak. Memories of adolescence.

Touch upon these things at your own risk, my friend. I don’t have to tell you, I’m sure. You’re a good guy. A nice, good guy who would rather not be instantly crispified.

So how are your finances set up, buddy? Doin’ alright in that department? You know, when I’m strapped for cash, I just attack a village. Pretty routine, really. I could pick up some loot for you next time, if you like. No skin off my back.

Hey, how does this cave smell to you? Pretty nice, right? Surprising, I know. I spent a butt-load on air fresheners in town last weekend. I don’t know, I guess I’ve been lonely. There aren’t that many kick-ass dragons around here. I’ve actually never seen another Montana Red my whole life. That’s what I am, a Montana Red. There are some Siberian Swallow-Munchers to the southeast of here, but my kind doesn’t get along with their kind. It’s weird, we can’t help it.

So, you know, I was thinking I could have some human visitors up here. Little folks like you who aren’t trying to make anything of themselves. Slackers. Commoners. People who can chill. People who know how to listen. People who never give a second’s thought to cutting my head off. These are people I can party with.

Just know that I can’t be held responsible for what happens if you get me into a laughing fit. Seriously. See that charred skeleton over there? That was a funniest dude I ever met! He could describe some of my favorite cartoons in a certain way that was funnier that actually watching the cartoons originally! How could I not emit magma and flame and acid uncontrollably?

Man, don’t be that funny. But be interesting and witty. You know, keep the conversation at like a solid, cracklin’ B-plus.

First topic…thrill-seeking versus meditation. Ready? Go.

In spite of illness, in spite even of the archenemy sorrow, one can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways.
Edith Wharton

Again With the Comics




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

The hair that hangs across my forehead is impossible to manage. Tangles! Split ends! Sometimes I imagine there are rival factions of hair locked in urban combat above my eyebrows. Is there anyone who can broker peace between my…

Highlight here for answer: [bangs gangs]



Tuesday, September 25th, 2007
8:00 PM
NAKED Calendar Release Party
Hyde Park Theater
Austin, TX
Performing as part of C-Dar Fevar.

Thursday, September 27th, 2007
8:00 PM
Bruce Hughes & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

The trail to the tool shed is covered with snow.
I don’t have a map, but I know where to go.

The bagels in bags brush against my right thigh.
The bells from the church tell me evening is nigh.

There’s no one around so I pee on a stump.
Our small creek is running so I make the quick jump.

I open the door and uncover a cage
The home of sweet Whiskers, my counsel and sage.

Mom and Dad aren’t aware that I’ve kept this dear mouse
Even after she told me to burn down the house.

Even after she told me to hog tie the cat,
And offer my best friends a cold tit for tat.

“Invest in one company. Pick it at random.”
“Ride alone around town on a bicycle tandem.”

Father once heard her tell me to suck plastic bags
Unimpressed with her voice, he wrapped her in rags.

He dropped Whiskers deep in the cruel countryside,
Where she waited, debated, then hitched a return ride.

She tapped on my window and told me she’d planned.
She knew what to do, she just needed a hand.

She told me to excel in English and Math,
To aim for a good school and follow a path.

A life plan that leads to the presidency!
If anyone can do it, she said, why not me?

She’ll toss me direction from her magic mouse throat
As long as I promise to give mice the vote.

YAY! WE DID IT!

I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.
Blaise Pascal

Cats’ Sleeping Positions




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

The table I prepared is clearly superior to yours. My forks and knives are properly positioned, and you’ll find no fingerprints on the plates. Clearly, I am the…

Highlight here for answer: [better setter]



Thursday, September 13th, 2007
8:00 PM
Bruce Hughes & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

You don’t look the moon in the face and call it a liar. You just don’t. My friend Mintzy Oglethorp did that very thing, despite the advice of yours truly, and he drowned in an especially high tide one evening. Whoosh. The ocean is like a plaything to the moon. It’s a puppet, lifted to strike and released to fall clumsily according to its master’s bidding.

Mintzy thought he heard the moon promise him happiness one night when he was 16-years-old. Sally Conundrum had just run from his car, repulsed at some out-of-order idea he had proposed in a horny whisper. He ran after her trying to re-buckle his belt, and he tripped over a root, busting his head.

He told me that when he came to, he saw a big silver face in the sky, which said, “Don’t worry about it, son. There’s a big mound of joy and fulfillment waiting for you out there. Give it a little time.”

Mintzy thought twenty years was an exceedingly generous interpretation of “a little time.” He called the moon a liar, and he died within a week. I’ll say it again: Whoosh.

Some folks think he really did talk to the moon, most likely because they themselves have chatted with a celestial body or two. Others think he was already half-crazy, and the knot on his head sent him over the edge. Personally, I believe it was Flagrant Magillicutty who gave Mintzy those encouraging words. He’s a particularly pale, round-faced hermit who lives in a shack and loves to taunt teenagers with unrealistic dreams.

One time, I got stuck in a tree, and instead of helping me down, he told me I’d discover “satisfying office work.”

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Few things are as stimulating as other people’s calamities observed from a safe distance.
George Will

Online Museum of the Week
Matt Forderer:



Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That spoonful of tart dessert really packs a punch! Woo! Each bite is a…

Highlight here for answer: [dollop wallop]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 30th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

Knock, knock? How’s my little man? Can I come in? C’mon, Dickie, cut off the Mega Man and talk to your dad for a second.

Your mother told me you’re upset, and I honestly just want to understand why. I promise, I’m not going to yell or slap or shake or grill you. Let’s just talk this out like civilized people. To me, it’s all completely logical. Makes sense, you know? You’re my son. You’ve got my hair, my spindly figure, and my hairless legs. You are a late bloomer and a bit of a pizza face, just like your old man was. You know I’ve generated a great deal of prosperity for this family as Wiener Man, and now you’re too good to be Wiener Boi?

I don’t get it, frankly. Stop giggling, Daddy’s trying to be serious here.

This was always the plan. When you were born, after I had to watch four little girls come out of your mother, I felt pure relief. I finally saw my Little Wiener come out with a little wiener, and I relished your birth above all others.

You were to be the continuation of my story, our family, and yes, the hot dog business I built from the only thing my cold-hearted father left me in his will: 65 tons of pig entrails and cloven miscellany.

Now we have the factory, the grocery store displays, the billboards, and at last, television commercials featuring your dear old dad dressed as an enticing, happy-go-lucky Wiener Man. Suddenly, you’re too good for all this?

Was it not always our dream for you to reach 9th grade and run a lunchtime Wiener Boi stand for all your hungry, growing, expendable-incoming-hemorrhaging peers? How many do you think you’ll sell wearing a Dark Crystal shirt and dirty jeans?

Let me ask you something. How many people did Clark Kent save? Peter Parker? He might as well have killed his father with his bare hands, the way he acted!

Ok, uncle, whatever.

The point is this: The casing makes the man. Superman flies, shoots eye beams, runs fast AND wears a flamboyant costume. Spiderman shoots webs, sticks to walls, senses danger in some precognitive way AND wears a crazy suit. You can’t have amazing powers without a sweet outfit to tie it all together.

Wiener Boi is your birthright, your destiny, your ticket to local, regional, and maybe even tri-state glory!

If some kid wants to make fun, you say, “Buy a bun!”
If some joker wants to give you lip, you say, “Our products contain no bovine lips!”
If some bully calls you a chicken, you say, “Try our new Chicken Shaft! The Bird is the Word!”

Actually, our lawyers are still looking into a trademark on that last one, so keep it to yourself for now.

You are going to be ridiculed, yes, but think about this: if they really want to get in your face, they’re going to have to get close enough to smell them tasty tubes boiling between you. By this point, you’ve got ‘em! You’ve got a sale! You just took a whole dollar from someone who might otherwise have been your enemy. And you can spend that dollar taking said loser’s girlfriend out for a Deluxe Smothered Wiener at Wiener Man Headquarters, where, of course, you can take advantage of your 5% in-the-family discount.

Your P.E. coach has assured me that you can shower between lunch and 5th period. We both know how hot it can get in that suit. He said that varsity football players hang out in there after lunch, and they’ll be sure to give you some privacy. Maybe you can ask them how to bulk up your Wiener arms! Rawr!

Buck up, Boi. Most kids only dream of having their whole lives set out before them like a summer picnic. No decisions, no regrets. All you have to do is dig in! From Wiener Boi to Wiener Man to Wiener King to Retired Wiener at 45-years-old. Is that so bad? Is that embarrassing somehow?

You tell those jealous kids to Suck This Wiener.

We got that one trademarked last month. You can use it freely.

Yeah? Feel better? Sleep tight, son. Remember, you’ll never be a loser when you’re so obviously a Wiener.

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

For the most part, pianos are female to me. Sometimes they’re dykes, and they’re always good fun.
Tori Amos, happy birthday to you.

Online Museum of the Week
Cassette Tape Culture:



Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I found a great piano on the beach in an East Coast resort town. Will you help me get the sand out of my…

Highlight here for answer: [seaboard keyboard]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 23rd, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!