Southpaw Jones

Hovergirl is sick of hearing the question, “Is that it?”

From a distance, folks describe her as “The Girl Who Can Fly,” so their friends and family come running only to find disappointment in the truth. Hovergirl is just kind of stuck, constantly suspended one-foot above the ground by an unknown force. She can’t soar, she can’t walk, and years of floating have left her with rather unimpressive posture. Pull her down to the ground, and she’ll pop right back up to her usual twelve-inch altitude. So, yes, I guess that’s it.

Hovergirl is cynical teenager, a safe dresser, and an average student. She went on talk shows and met the president when she was ten. She even had a bona fide Hollywood agent for a while, but all he could score was a commercial for a children’s anti-depressant called Li’l NumbX. In his last conversation with her parents, he said, “We’re in the age of CGI. If they want someone to float creepily all day, they’ll just wire up Dakota Fanning.”

Back home, she makes a little money singing the national anthem at events in surrounding counties. Her social life is limited to friendships with open-minded girls and comic book boys. She has been on a few dates, but only with members of the basketball team and other tall kids with shoddy hand-eye coordination. The majority of her human interaction involves gawkers. Gawkers at the mall, gawkers at the baseball field, and gawkers at church. She likes to silently time people as they stare at her shamelessly. If they stand there, mouth agape, for more than seven minutes, she assumes they don’t have cable television at home. If they keep it up for more than ten minutes, she instantly incinerates them with her laser eyes. Every girl deserves a few secrets, just like every town deserves a few missing persons.

as reported in The New York Times

April 28, 1908
HIGH PRICES FOR SAILORS.
Santa Barbara Charges $12 for a Room and 10 Cents for Pie.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

“Use dryer sheets frequently to make your clothes more comfortable,” my mama used to say. If she was short on time, she’d simply say…

Highlight here for answer: [soften often]


Mickey Feio

Gossip is charming! History is merely gossip . . . But scandal is gossip made tedious by morality.
Oscar Wilde

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