Southpaw Jones

So ends Memorial Day weekend. I enjoyed myself, scoring some fun in the sun, good food and good mood. That sunshine has to travel 93,000,000 miles to get to us. The least we can do is step out to welcome it from time to time.

Maggie and I went to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Saturday night. My tendency is to reserve criticism until everyone in the world has seen the movie. I wouldn’t have wanted someone to reduce my good will before I stepped into the theater, because I was going to see it no matter what. Then again, if someone had accurately described what I was in for, I could have saved 8 bucks and a great deal of head scratching.

So if you want to see it, perhaps you should skip down to the next section of today’s episode. If you’re teetering, I must insist that you rent Raiders of the Lost Ark or Last Crusade and enjoy that old magic instead. I wish I had. Those movies have pacing, character development, dialog, intrigue, mythology, and an epic feel that is sorely lacking in Crystal Skull.

This new movie is a mess and a half.

I walked in with a rock-solid mountain of good vibes and enthusiasm, and the film eroded it down to a molehill long before the credits rolled.

What happened?

What the heck happened?

Will George Lucas ever be involved in anything good again?

Did Spielberg actually approve the final cut of this thing?

Why did he insist on real stuntmen and film yet fill the thing up with crappy CGI anyway? Why did it look so glossy, expensive, and cheap at the same time?

Were there any characters in that movie?

Indy just happened upon that fake town where that big thing happened? Why did the first 20 minutes even happen?

Why couldn’t this movie have been more like Iron Man? That’s just a dumb summer movie, but it’s also fun, entertaining, and somewhat human.

Why all the imperiled crotch jokes?

Why not cut out two or three of the sidekicks and focus on the title character?

This Indy sequel places fourth behind Temple of Doom. I’m glad I saw it opening weekend, but I hope I never have to watch it again. That’s all I have to say about that.

as reported in The New York Times

May 27, 1908
WISHED HE’D DIE, AND HE DID.
Brother Expired After His Sister Said She Hoped He’d Drop Dead.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Oh, that pre-Christian Celtic priest is so graceful! His movements are smooth and unrestrained. Have you ever seen such a…

Highlight here for answer: [fluid druid]


Anteater Coolness

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you — Nobody — Too?
Emily Dickinson

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 2008
9:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant St. 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com
Doors open at 8:00pm

Southpawjones.com shall return in full tomorrow.

Seven minutes of tension and horror
Awaits the new Martian explorer
Have they planned well enough?
If the landing is rough
It’ll be tough to hire a restorer

California joined the chic
When they granted gay marriage last week
I’m all for the passion
But that rite is old-fashioned
I guess they really do dig antiques

As public interest has shifted to low key
David Cook holds the horn of the hokey
The weekly recital
Called American Idol
Crowned him King of Karaoke

This posting is late, I admit it
If you’re cursing my name, please quit it
It’s Friday, praise dog
If you dig this blog
Tuesday, I’ll return to transmit it

as reported in The New York Times

May 23, 1908
BAD EXPLOSION IN PARIS.
Two Killed and Many Injured in a Sugar Factory Accident.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

When you experience the sensation of brushing your head on the top of the room, you know you’ve bounced too high on your pogo stick. We professional indoor pogo-ers call this the….

Highlight here for answer: [ceiling feeling]


Illustrated Catalog Of ACME Products

It is not easy to see how the more extreme forms of nationalism can long survive when men have seen the Earth in its true perspective as a single small globe against the stars.
Arthur C. Clarke

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 2008
9:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant St. 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com
Doors open at 8:00pm

Yes, I’ll perform solo tonight at Flipnotics @ the Triangle. I have my work cut out for me when Matt the Electrician is out of town. I attempt to compensate for his absence by standing up on stage, wearing a button-down shirt, pulling out half-hour medleys the key of G, and singing a karaoke version of Lady in Red. In honor of that Grade A pop song, I have cyber-translated its lyrics from English to German, then from German to English. The result is the following bit of poetry. You can find the original lyrics here. Come on out to the show at 8 pm, if you live within 300 miles of Austin.

Lady in the Red

I have you never seen to look thus attractive, how you did this evening.
I never saw you to shine so bright.
I never saw thus many men to ask you whether you wanted to dance.
They look for a small for romance, half of probability given.
I have never that dress, which you carry
Or which high points in your hair seen, which get caught your eyes.
I was blind.

The lady in the red dances to cheek with me, to the cheek.
There is nobody here.
it is straight you and I.
It is, where I would like to be.
But I hardly know this beauty by my side.
I never forget the way, which you look this evening.

I have you never seen to look thus wonderful, how you did this evening.
I never saw you to shine so bright. They were amazing.
I have to never wish to be thus many people seen by your side there.
And as you to me and smiled turned, took they mean away breath.
I never had such a feeling, such a feeling of the complete and final love, as I do this evening.

The lady in the red dances to cheek with me, to the cheek.
There is nobody here.
It is straight you and I.
It is, where I would like to be.
But I hardly know this beauty by my side.
I never forget the way, which you look this evening.
I never forget the way, which you look this evening.
(I love you.)

as reported in The New York Times

May 22, 1908
CELEBRATES 107TH BIRTHDAY.
Woman Inmate of Jewish Home Says She Saw Napoleon.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I heard there was an odd handgun made of fine quartz glassware. Perhaps Indiana Jones can go looking for this…

Highlight here for answer: [crystal pistol]


Illustrated Catalog Of ACME Products

The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything. Except what is worth knowing. Journalism, conscious of this, and having tradesman-like habits, supplies their demands.
Oscar Wilde

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
SOLO TONIGHT!
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 2008
9:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant St. 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com
Doors open at 8:00pm

I’ll perform a special solo show Thursday night at Flipnotics @ the Triangle, as Matt the Electrician is out o’ town. Come on down at 8 pm for the purest Paw possible.

Yes, I watch LOST. It’s fun. Mysterious. It’s a brain tickler and a heart manipulator. I’ll admit it isn’t a perfect art form. For instance, the more it becomes about People on an Island, the less it becomes about people on an island. And every long-awaited answer comes with six new annoying questions. As a result, it invites armchair theorizing (“futon guessing” to those just out of college). Since there is no episode this week, and the season finale is next week, I thought I’d share my hypotheses. My apologies to those who don’t give a rat’s patchouli.

1. Misplaced

Charles Widmore LOST his wallet, cell phone, and passport on the island, and perennial prankster Ben Linus keeps using his credit cards and calling his ex-girlfriends. Widmore can’t get leave the country without his passport, but he has yet to be satisfied with his picture. He is working out, tanning, and experimenting with lighting schemes, but until he gets the perfect passport photo, he sends flawed representatives to reclaim his man purse for him.

2. The Number(s)

If you call (481) 516-2342, someone will tell you what the heck is going on with this show.

3. Imagineer

We are looking into the imagination of a young boy named Jacob playing with various action figures in his room. The island is a pile of dirty clothes that he has come to love dearly. Every time his father (Widmore) tries to clean it up, he moves it to a different location in the room. It’s very difficult to keep a pile of clothes together in transit with several action figures positioned strategically on top. The black smoke monster is a rather vicious family cat who chews up unrepentant toys. The boy has to take asthma medication every 108 minutes. He sees purple if he doesn’t take it.

as reported in The New York Times

May 21, 1908
SHOT STUDENT FOR BURGLAR.
Two Columbia Boys Try Robbery for Fun — Policeman Shot One.
Policeman John Hurton of the West 125th Street Station saw two youths working last night at the door of the little shanty at 123d Street and Riverside Drive, where old John Morris sells soda, candy, and tobacco. Hurton ran toward the youths, who saw him coming and took to their heels.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I absolutely must get 9 more minutes of sleep after my alarm goes off. As much as I try to avoid it, I can’t help but…

Highlight here for answer: [use Snooze]


Illustrated Catalog Of ACME Products

In order to hold your faith intact be sure it’s kept unsullied by fact.
Donald E. Westlake

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 2008
9:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant St. 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com
Doors open at 8:00pm