Southpaw Jones

• If you’ve ever mowed your astroturf and found a slave ship, you might be a redneck surrealist.

• If your rainbow gazelle eats domino soup from Taco Bell, you might be a redneck surrealist.

• If you can belch sparkles and say your name backwards in Choctaw, you just might be a redneck surrealist.

• You might be a redneck surrealist if your coffee table was once a continental shelf.

• If you wake up with a black eye, a hickey, and a transparent, trapezoidal eye-patch, you might look into considering the fact that you could be a redneck surrealist.

• Chances are you’re a redneck surrealist if you spit sunflower seed shells just to watch them give birth to Lilliputians who play postmodern bluegrass inside the flat tire on your roof.

• If you’ve ever parked a Camaro in a tie-dyed sarcophagus, you might have a leaning toward the cultural demographic known as redneck surrealist.

• In certain circles, you could consider yourself a redneck surrealist if your flying tractor runs on fish bait and marital frustration.

as reported in The New York Times

April 22, 1908
STUDENT CHORUS ON STRIKE NOW
New York University Show in Danger of “Fizzling” Unless Somebody Backs Down.
Heedless of the awful fiasco their action may cause, the member of the chorus of “Cap’n Kidd and Company,” the ‘Varsity show of New York University, which has been billed to open at Carnegie Lyceum on Friday night, have gone on strike because their names were left off the programme to make room for a belated advertisement.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

This paint pen is too light! Too light! Matt Lauer won’t be able to read this through the window! I need something bold. Does anyone have a…

Highlight here for answer: [darker marker]


Ice Cream People

Good friendship is like an outdoor cat. Just hangin’ out. It can take care of itself. It can be gone for a couple of days, it’ll come back, no big deal. . . Once in a while it’ll get eaten by a coyote.
Adam Carolla

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com

You know, Those People Who Access Electronic Devices for More than 30 Seconds During a Live Concert (If They Aren’t Trying to Find a Friend or Take Professional Photos or Run the Soundboard)

• What’s your problem?

• Why are you here?

• What planet are you from and what do they eat there?

• What’s it like to be a part of THAT generation?

• You didn’t pay to get in here, did you?

• Has anyone ever told you how bright and distracting that thing is?

• If I smacked you, would anyone come to your defense?

• Would you stare at that thing during a movie?

• How long have you been playing Tetris? You’re pretty good.

• Would you use that thing during a funeral?

• How long would YouTube survive without your shaky video and horrible audio of half of this song?

• Is this huge crowd and incredibly loud rock show distracting you?

• Doesn’t your phone have memory?

• I mean, won’t those stupid messages be there for you after the show?

• Have you ever lived in the moment?

• If so, did you find the experience objectionable somehow?

as reported in The New York Times

April 21, 1908
SACRILEGE BEFORE THE POPE.
Non-Catholics Kneel at Altar and Receive Communion from His Hands.
ROME — From the time of St. Peter to that of Plus X. the history of Papacy fails to record such a grave sacrilege is that which was committed yesterday inside the Vatican, under the eyes of the Pontiff himself.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

So you can eat just one of those Hershey’s chocolate-covered caramel things? I’m impressed. There’s no way I could stop at a…

Highlight here for answer: [solo Rolo]


Ice Cream People

If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn’t thinking.
George S. Patton

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com

I neglected to post interesting search strings from March, so I’m going to post them on this here lazy day. These are actual terms that led folks to southpawjones.com via search engines, and I think they’re funny.

• what is sir for women

• tiny bible verse stickers or tattoos

• barack obama smile

• drawings of shoes

• how to give jewelry romantically

• studies sucks

• grandchildren leave paw prints of love all over

• elderly males naked

• hangover euphemisms

• wife is googling old boyfriends

• women friends disappoint

• womens who are electricians

as reported in The New York Times

April 8, 1908
306 STUDENTS EXPELLED
Clemson College Classes Were Insubordinate in April 1 Pranks.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

She used to be really into that blue Sesame St. character, but not anymore. She couldn’t care less. She used to want him near, but now she wants him far away. She is so…

Highlight here for answer: [over Grover]


Lost In Translation - English Gone Wrong

Great men are seldom over-scrupulous in the arrangement of their attire.
Charles Dickens

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SAUTRDAY, APRIL 19
8:00 PM
Opening for Will Kimbrough
Bend Studio
5014 McKinney Ave. 75205
DALLAS, TX
214.841.9642
www.bendstudio.com
$20, Doors at 7 pm.

…let me listen to Bruce Hornsby turned up to medium with my windows down.

…I can thump twenty-somethings in the ear, and they can’t thump me back.

…and I’m old enough to know that if God wanted us to write only love songs, he’d have made more words rhyme with “love” and “heart.”

…can’t I just shave my head and be done with society like Britney?

…and I’ve never been less interested in sports.

…and I don’t have any kids or pets, but my girlfriend has a 15-pound cat, and watching her take care of him is close enough to me taking care of something, I think.

…and I’m trying to get into shape so I can see what it feels like to really let myself go.

…I have an imaginary grill collecting imaginary dust in my imaginary garage.

…but I have several decades to go before my age matches my personality. Turn that racket down!

…and I’m glad to have a good home, good friends, good family, a good girlfriend, good gigs, access to good food and good music, a little money in the bank, this little blog, and you, fair reader!

as reported in The New York Times

April 8, 1908
HALF A MILLION SEE AUTO PARADE
With 1,500 automobiles in a line stretching over five miles of the city streets, and in view of 500,000 spectators for five hours, the tenth anniversary of the automobile trade in New York was cerebrated last night. The streets along the route of the procession were densely lined with people.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I wish there was a yearly instruction book for living one’s life. You know, you would get it on your birthday, and it could tell you how to handle the upcoming year. Is anyone else interested in an…

Highlight here for answer: [annual manual]


Lost In Translation - English Gone Wrong

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SAUTRDAY, APRIL 19
8:00 PM
Opening for Will Kimbrough
Bend Studio
5014 McKinney Ave. 75205
DALLAS, TX
214.841.9642
www.bendstudio.com
$20, Doors at 7 pm.

…’cause it starts with a “muh.”

Here are some other lovely words that begin with the same sound:

• Mundane

• Muchwhat

• Muckworm

• Muffled

• Multicavous

• Mulch

• Mugger

• Mothergrabber

• Mugweed

• Mud

Sounds about right.

as reported in The New York Times

April 7, 1908
WANTS HYMNS WHISTLED.
Evangelist Has New Idea for Men Who Can’t Sing.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Oh, I just love the way they’ve organized their crops here. The old tractor is so quaint, the red barn is welcoming, and that scarecrow is precious! I mean, have you ever in your life seen such…

Highlight here for answer: [charming farming]


Lost In Translation - English Gone Wrong

It should be noted that no ethically-trained software engineer would ever consent to write a DestroyBaghdad procedure. Basic professional ethics would instead require him to write a DestroyCity procedure, to which Baghdad could be given as a parameter.
Nathaniel Borenstein

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com