Southpaw Jones

• “I know there’s aliens ’cause I am one.”

• “Dolphins are not as smart as you’ve heard.”

• “Bush is the worst president since George III.”

• “Ringo will surprise you with his world-class yodeling.”

• “Far be it from me to pick a peck of pickled peppers.”

• “Adam and Eve not Madam and Jeeves.”

• “My kid finally urinates with precision.”

• “The Wichita City Council makes me mad.”

• “I think therefore I Amtrak.”

as reported in The New York Times

June 24, 1908
BEAT HER WAY AS A TRAMP.
Wife In Man’s Clothes Rode with Husband Under Freight Cars.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

The composer holds auditions for singers in every town where he performs. He could tour with a consistent, international chorus, but he prefers the magic of the…

Highlight here for answer: [locals’ vocals]


Hairstyles that Mom Won’t Approve

The writer must believe that what he is doing is the most important thing in the world. And he must hold to this illusion even when he knows it is not true.
John Steinbeck

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, JULY 2, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theatre
AUSTIN, TX
www.dickmonologues.com
SOLD OUT!
________________________________________________________________

TUESDAY, JULY 29, 2008
Cactus Cafe
The Texas Union, 24th & Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
CD Release Celebration for CRUELTY!
(512) 475-6515
www.utexas.edu/txunion/ae/cactus/index.php

…does anyone want to buy my comic book collection? Mostly 1980s mainstream Marvel stuff, ya know.

…should I tell her about this website?

…does anyone want my VHS tapes full of professional wrestling?

…what’s the most effective birth control method?

…should I tell her my real name isn’t Southpaw?

…does anyone want my neon-light electric guitar sculpture?

…should I buy her flowers every day or just every other day?

…do a BB gun and an allen wrench make me the man of the house?

…should I set up a temporary counseling hotline for the rest of the women in Austin?

…how does one discipline a massive, stubborn housecat?

…do you think she’ll let me listen to Usher really loud every morning as is my wont?

as reported in The New York Times

Junes 17, 1908
DOG CRUSADE ON LONG ISLAND
All Animals at Large After June 20 to be Taken Up.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Ian here created the popular James Bond character. I keep telling him he’s due for a haircut. I wonder who might be responsible for…

Highlight here for answer: [trimming Fleming]


Diem Chau Crayon Art

We must not make a scarecrow of the law,
Setting it up to fear the birds of prey,
And let it keep one shape, till custom make it
Their perch and not their terror.
William Shakespeare

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 2008
9:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant St. 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com
Doors open at 8:00pm

Hello. Happy Monday and happy June to you. May was a record month here at southpawjones.com, as we had an average of 836 daily visits, edging ever closer to my goal of 1,000. As always, thanks for stopping by!

At the beginning of each month, I like to take a look back to see what search strings led unsuspecting web surfers to this site. I have a report that displays those terms, and I swear I don’t make these up. I just pick out the interesting ones. In addition to the usual “southpaw” and “jones,” the following terms helped folks find me in May, spelling errors included:

• atheist tattoos
• bible verse tattoos
• orange kitten
• old condom package
• how to gay toe tapping
• the top 10 cooles thang to do in Mississippi
• baby scared of santa
• civilized squirrels
• hot climbing chicks
• hula hooping unicorns
• spiderman torte
• to suture a trenchcoat

And the winner for best search string of the month:

• is south paw jones gay

as reported in The New York Times

June 2, 1908
PAINTINGS AS ALIMONY.
Wife of a Painter Accepts Five Portraits of Herself.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Sometimes suffering can make an individual better than they were before. However, depending on one’s maturity level and attitude, pain can also make a…

Highlight here for answer: [person worsen]


The 700 Hoboes Project

Because the white genes are mutations of the genes of the original men of color - and males are mutations of the original females - we can finally answer the question “Is God black?” The answer is “Yes, She is.”
Luboš Motl

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 2008
9:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant St. 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com
Doors open at 8:00pm

Here’s a fun challenge from Mental Floss: “Come up with a clever, witty, fake quote and attribute it to a notable person (real, mythological, fictitious, it’s up to you).” The most popular faux quote wins a free book of real quotes, and that’s just enough motivation for me to make up a few of these things.

“Atchoo, Brute.” – Julius Caesar, having caught a cold from his so-called friend

“Sonar, so good.” – dolphin

“First!” – Adam

“No one bothered to tell me the definition of ‘omnipotent’ until it was too late.” – Satan

“More glockenspiel!” – Brian Wilson

“Always cover up when it’s cold outside.” – Richard Nixon

as reported in The New York Times

May 28, 1908
WARMER TO-DAY.
And Yesterday the Warmest May 27 In 28 Years — 4 Die from Heat.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

He’s the coolest character on Happy Days, and now he’s been cast in 3rd place metal. Let’s go to the park and check out the…

Highlight here for answer: [bronze Fonz]


Anteater Coolness

The happiness which is lacking makes one think even the happiness one has unbearable.
Joseph Roux

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 2008
9:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant St. 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com
Doors open at 8:00pm

• If you’ve ever mowed your astroturf and found a slave ship, you might be a redneck surrealist.

• If your rainbow gazelle eats domino soup from Taco Bell, you might be a redneck surrealist.

• If you can belch sparkles and say your name backwards in Choctaw, you just might be a redneck surrealist.

• You might be a redneck surrealist if your coffee table was once a continental shelf.

• If you wake up with a black eye, a hickey, and a transparent, trapezoidal eye-patch, you might look into considering the fact that you could be a redneck surrealist.

• Chances are you’re a redneck surrealist if you spit sunflower seed shells just to watch them give birth to Lilliputians who play postmodern bluegrass inside the flat tire on your roof.

• If you’ve ever parked a Camaro in a tie-dyed sarcophagus, you might have a leaning toward the cultural demographic known as redneck surrealist.

• In certain circles, you could consider yourself a redneck surrealist if your flying tractor runs on fish bait and marital frustration.

as reported in The New York Times

April 22, 1908
STUDENT CHORUS ON STRIKE NOW
New York University Show in Danger of “Fizzling” Unless Somebody Backs Down.
Heedless of the awful fiasco their action may cause, the member of the chorus of “Cap’n Kidd and Company,” the ‘Varsity show of New York University, which has been billed to open at Carnegie Lyceum on Friday night, have gone on strike because their names were left off the programme to make room for a belated advertisement.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

This paint pen is too light! Too light! Matt Lauer won’t be able to read this through the window! I need something bold. Does anyone have a…

Highlight here for answer: [darker marker]


Ice Cream People

Good friendship is like an outdoor cat. Just hangin’ out. It can take care of itself. It can be gone for a couple of days, it’ll come back, no big deal. . . Once in a while it’ll get eaten by a coyote.
Adam Carolla

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com