Southpaw Jones

CRUELTY! CD Release Tuesday, July 29 @ Cactus Cafe.

Welcome back to the real world! You know, I try to avoid spilling a great deal of personal information here, but I had a good weekend, so I’ll share its highlights with you in list form. Unfortunately, I did not take pictures.

• Performance at Flipnotics @ the Triangle
• Migas @ Maria’s Taco Express
• Swimming & sunning @ Barton Springs
• Susan Gibson, Abi Tapia, and The Ginn Sisters in concert @ Freyburg Hall
• Sparklers @ Freyburg Hall
• Breakfast & ½ day shopping @ IKEA with Maggie
• ½ day @ home putting IKEA furniture together
• Birthday meet-up @ Dog & Duck Pub
• Hellboy DVD viewing @ couch
• Kayaking with friends from Mopac bridge to the dam
• Tostada & taco munching @ Taquerias Arandas

I would call it a great holiday. Hooray for it! Hooray for Austin! Hooray for America!

as reported in The New York Times

SHY OF MAGYAR PRINCESS.
Mayor of Philadelphia Says She Must Present Proofs of Authenticity.
PHILADELPHIA — Mayor Reyburn this afternoon refused to receive the Princess Vilma Lwoff Parlaghy of Hungary officially until she has established her identity beyond a shadow of a doubt.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Oh, you know, he was a character on that racist show with his partner Andy. He’s quite well-known. In fact, culturally speaking, I’d call him a…

Highlight here for answer: [famous Amos]


World’s Strangest Looking Animals

War does not determine who is right — only who is left.
Bertrand Russell

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

TUESDAY, JULY 29, 2008
Cactus Cafe
The Texas Union, 24th & Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
CD Release Celebration for CRUELTY!
(512) 475-6515
www.utexas.edu/txunion/ae/cactus/index.php

You be the judge, and be safe tomorrow partaking of all three!

• Militia
• Silver Fox
• Margarine
• Tri-Whistling Moon Travelers
• Siren
• Pyroclasm
• Sugar
• Crackle Fest
• Nitro
• Ground Nutmeg
• Phoenix
• Frisky Star Burst
• Hellga
• Apples
• Ratta Tat-Tat
• Jet
• Killer Skeeters
• White Flour

as reported in The New York Times

July 3, 1908
GIRL OF THIRTEEN A ROBBER.
Laughs When She Hears Her Accomplice Make Confession.
PLAINFIELD — Charged with no less than a score of robberies and larcenies, Freda Richter, a comely 13-year-old girl, was committed by Judge Runyon to-day in the Union County Juvenile Court. Freda assumed an air of indifference when arraigned, and laughed when her alleged accomplice, Laura Waldron, made a frank confession of how she had aided her in thievery.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Mr. Whitman was a great poet, but he was not without his imperfections. Those who knew him could rattle off a list of…

Highlight here for answer: [Walt’s faults]


Passive-Aggressive Notes

Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.
Albert Einstein

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

TUESDAY, JULY 29, 2008
Cactus Cafe
The Texas Union, 24th & Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
CD Release Celebration for CRUELTY!
(512) 475-6515
www.utexas.edu/txunion/ae/cactus/index.php

July 1 is here, and 2008 is half-full or half-empty depending on your outlook and the shape of your calendar. Visits to this site in June were down, the lowest they’ve been since October 2007, and that’s after a wonderful, record-breaking May. Perhaps it’s just summertime, and everyone is on vacation and/or breaking up their routines. Who knows? If you have ten seconds to spare, please consider any friends or family who might enjoy this work-a-day site and send them a quick e-mail, or post a link on your blog, MySpace, or FaceBook. Thanks.

Now that June is kaput, I can share some of the very real search strings that led people to southpawjones.com. They are reported as part of my monthly stats, and I could not make them up. You’ll see lots of fine internet queries this time. Here be the most interesting phrases, spelling errors included, my comments in brackets:

• Cutiest Orange Kittens
• stupidest
• hillbilly tattoos
• alien squirrels
• button fly jeans gay men pic
• kinky things to do with a stuffed animal
• nude in the dungeon
• studies sucks
• Silly String Implants
• always strive to excel but only on weekends
• can I ask southpaw jones a question using search terms [Yes, please do.]
• can southpaw jones eat metal [Yes, but I hate all the filing.]
• collect pictures of lifted kilts
• do you have a boyfriend translate russian
• how can i stop being a sad sack [Stand up straight and pretend to be happy.]
• how long does feline laryngitis last [See above.]
• how to keep crawdads alive [Leave them be. Don’t eat them.]
• i have lost my passive voice [That’s funny, your passive voice was found by me.]
• sex fantasies are garrison keillor

as reported in The New York Times

July 1, 1908
LIVES ON $75 A YEAR.
Musician Trying to Save $10,000 for the Poor.
OMAHA, Neb. — In order that he may give his entire property to the poor. Victor Schmidt, a well-known Omaha musician, was to-day discovered living in a cellar, for which he paid $1.50 a month. In his pocket were certificates of deposit for nearly $8,000. Schmidt asserts that he lives on $75 a year and gives the balance of his earnings to the poor.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I hired a private investigator to follow my nemesis around and keep me updated, but all he could do was provide evidence that the target had boxed up his possessions and changed residences twice. I’d love to hire someone who does more than simply…

Highlight here for answer: [proves moves]


Passive-Aggressive Notes

‘It’s wrong to profit from the misfortune of others.’ I ask my students whether they’d support a law against doing so. But I caution them with some examples. An orthopedist profits from your misfortune of having broken your leg skiing. When there’s news of a pending ice storm, I doubt whether it saddens the hearts of those in the collision repair business. I also tell my students that I profit from their misfortune — their ignorance of economic theory.
Walter E. Williams

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, JULY 2, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theatre
AUSTIN, TX
www.dickmonologues.com
SOLD OUT!
________________________________________________________________

TUESDAY, JULY 29, 2008
Cactus Cafe
The Texas Union, 24th & Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
CD Release Celebration for CRUELTY!
(512) 475-6515
www.utexas.edu/txunion/ae/cactus/index.php

• Kittens and Socks

• Kaleidoscope Now

• The Horizon

• Shiny Things on Dull Backgrounds

• Untraceable Political Gossip

• The Cleavage Channel

• Righteous Indignation 24/7

• Competitive Pizza Dough Tossing

• Just Grover

• The Napping Pope Channel

as reported in The New York Times

June 30, 1908
909-FOOT SKYSCRAPER TO TOWER ABOVE ALL
Architects File Plans for New Equitable Life Building Here 62 Stories High.
1,059 FEET TO FLAGPOLE TIP
Eiffel Tower the Only Structure Higher
Site at Broadway and Cedar, Nassau, and Pine Streets.
If plans which were filed yesterday with Building Superintendent Murphy are approved and permission to build is granted, the towering Singer Building and the Metropolitan Life tower will be put in the shade by the projected new building, planned to stand on the block bounded by Broadway, Nassau, Pine, and Cedar Streets, the site of the present building of the Equitable Life Assurance Society.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Doc, what I need is an invigorating medicine that will help with this recurring condition of mine. Just write me a prescription for some of that…

Highlight here for answer: [chronic tonic]


Passive-Aggressive Notes

Pop music is probably the only art form that is totally dependent for its success on the general public. The more people buy a record, the more successful it is - not only commercially but artistically.
Manfred Mann

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, JULY 2, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theatre
AUSTIN, TX
www.dickmonologues.com
SOLD OUT!
________________________________________________________________

TUESDAY, JULY 29, 2008
Cactus Cafe
The Texas Union, 24th & Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
CD Release Celebration for CRUELTY!
(512) 475-6515
www.utexas.edu/txunion/ae/cactus/index.php

Part 2 in a 26-part series:

• back seat driver
• beat a dead horse
• beating around the bush
• bend over backwards
• between a rock and a hard place
• bite off more than you can chew
• batten down the hatches
• bear the brunt of
• beef up
• behind schedule
• bird in hand is worth two in the bush
• blow one’s own horn
• bone of contention
• bottom out
• bring home the bacon
• bring up the rear
• buy a pig in a poke

as reported in The New York Times

June 26, 1908
HAMMERSTEIN USES TROWEL.
Lays Cornerstone of His Philadelphia Opera House.
PHILADELPHIA — While Oscar Hammerstein was talking with several persons to-day at Broad and Poplar Streets, the site of his new Opera House, his son, Arthur Hammersteine, called to him: “Come, father, let’s get this done first and then those gentlemen can have you.”

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

She’s from an East African republic, but her favorite food is the traditional Native American dish of steam-cooked corn dough filled with various meat and things. I dare you to try and steal some of the…

Highlight here for answer: [Somali’s tamales]


Hairstyles that Mom Won’t Approve

I know beginnings, I know endings too,
and life-in-death, and something else
I’d rather not recall just now.
Anna Akhmatova

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, JULY 2, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theatre
AUSTIN, TX
www.dickmonologues.com
SOLD OUT!
________________________________________________________________

TUESDAY, JULY 29, 2008
Cactus Cafe
The Texas Union, 24th & Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
CD Release Celebration for CRUELTY!
(512) 475-6515
www.utexas.edu/txunion/ae/cactus/index.php