Southpaw Jones

We call her puppy chow
Because she is lovely
We call him vagrant
‘Cause he is rich
We call her mademoiselle
‘Cause she declared bankruptcy
We call this Happy Town
As you might guess

Who’s got a nickel
For the dime machine
Who’s got a bottle
And a bag of green
Who’s got a nickel
For the dime machine
Who’s gonna drive me home

We call her innocent
Because she gives good head
We call him fidgety
‘Cause he is dead
We call them open-minded
Because they’re members of a cult
We call this paradise
The home of fun

Who’s got a nickel
For the dime machine
Who’s got a bottle
And a bag of green
Who’s got a nickel
For the dime machine
Who’s gonna drive me home

as reported in The New York Times

March 14, 1908
500 PERSONS POISONED.
Ate Chicken and Waffles at Church Social — Many Stores Forced to Close.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

She should not have rubbed that big red mark into your arm! She should treat her brother better than that! You go show this wound to your parents and tell them it’s a…

Highlight here for answer: [sister blister]


Great Clocks of Christendom

Once they got your number, it’s over.
Billy Bob Thornton, on losing creative control after Sling Blade

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

Zilker Park (Spooky) Kite Festival 2008
Pics by Maggie Wilhite

20×2 was great fun last night. It’s a fine event for people who enjoy nerds and show-and-tell, like me. I was the last performer to answer the question “What’s the Difference?” My original plan was to write a goofy song about the undeniable coolness of left-handed people, but then I decided I’d just musically list well-known lefties and well-known righties, so the crowd could come to their own conclusions. I don’t have a recording of my two minutes, but I can at least share the lyrics:

Oprah Winfrey is left-handed
Tyra Banks is right
Kurt Cobain was left-handed
Courtney Love is right

Paul McCartney is left-handed
And Michael Jackson is right
Whoopie Goldberg is left-handed
Rosie O’Donnell is right

Reagan, Bush, Clinton, they were all left-handed!
But Georgie Dubya is right
He says the surge is working, boys
And George W. Bush is right

Handed

Barack Obama is left-handed
Hillary Clinton is right
Pablo Picasso is left-handed
Britney Spears is right

Jimi Hendrix, he was left-handed
John Wilkes Booth was right
He said “The South will rise again”
And John Wilkes Booth was right

Handed

as reported in The New York Times

March 11, 1908
TO STOP DANCE HALL EVILS.
Assembly Passes a Bill Prohibiting Liquor Selling Among Other Things.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Don’t you dare touch that strip of pork! I claimed it, it’s mine. Step away from the…

Highlight here for answer: [taken bacon]


Great Clocks of Christendom

The drunken text message is mightier than the sword.
J.H Evans

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

Zilker Park (Spooky) Kite Festival 2008
Pics by Maggie Wilhite

Please take a moment to vote for Southpaw Jones as Best Songwriter in The Austin Chronicle Music Poll, http://www.austinchronicle.com/feedback/musicpoll/07/. You don’t have to live in Austin to vote, and you don’t have to believe he deserves it.

Drink, for the night is younger, younger
Eat, if you feel the hunger, hunger
We are the lucky few invited guests
Move, if you feel the one, two, three, four
Link with a partner on the dance floor
Stare! Everyone is looking quite their best

Nothing is the matter here
We have no conflict to fear
Let’s relax and take in all this peace
Spend, ‘cause we all have money, money
Steal kisses from your honey, honey
How could this golden era ever cease?

We’ve lost our lease?
Something’s startled the geese?
They’ve drafted our niece?
We can’t trust the police?

What’s this family gonna do
In lieu of a falling shoe or two?
Can we stick together come what may?

No!

Oh, shut up, Timmy. I love you!

Ok, then, yes!

It’s up to us to save the day
We’ll symbolize our struggles
By

Wearing

Gray!

as reported in The New York Times

January 16, 1908
EARTH SWALLOWING A TOWN
Minas de Rio Tinto, Spain, Is Threatened with Destruction.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Every time I sit down to a meal, I get crumbs and sauce all over myself. So messy! I often wish I was a…

Highlight here for answer: [neater eater]


Cool Birth vs Crazy Death Of Stars

Drip-along Daffy’s the name! Anybody care to shoot it out? Under western skies? West of the Pecos? Tumbleweeds at ten paces? 10,000 head the cattle? Cut ‘em off at the pass? Perry? Larriets? Anyone for tennis? Anybody? Well, reckon I’ll have me a little bracer!
Daffy Duck

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

Sunshine Walk-a-Bout w/ Cell Phone Cam
January 13, 2008

Happy Friday, everyone. I’m looking forward to playing in my ol’ hometown of Houston tonight with Matt the Electrician. We had a good time at Flipnotics @ the Triangle last night.

We both had fresh songs called The Day After Halloween, and I figured I should share my lyrics with you this morning. Maybe I’ll record it someday. Overprotective Mom and Dad were right! Halloween is bad news! Here be the words:

The Day After Halloween

The day after Halloween
I stopped looking pale and mean
I went back to nice and clean
And took out my fake fangs

I’m back at my private school
Popular, smart, and cool
I follow the golden rule
And participate in thangs

But I still suck blood on weekends
When no one else is peekin’
Red is the juice I’m seekin’
That’s my midnight snack
From darkness hear my chortle
I’ve stepped through evil’s portal
Once you go immortal
You never go back

Count Spectacula was my name
Free candy was my only aim
That night it was just a game
Nothing deadly serious

I chewed on a mouse just to see
If I could fill the role more accurately
Something horrible wakened in me
Now I try not to act too mysterious, because…

But I still suck blood on weekends
When no one else is peekin’
Red is the juice I’m seekin’
My midnight snack
From darkness hear my chortle
I stepped through evil’s portal
Once you go immortal
You never go back
It’s not so bad
Don’t you dare judge me
You don’t know me
I just vant to do my thang
Vhat is so funny?
Vhat are you staring at?

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite. Or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance. Everyone is just waiting.
Theodor Geisel

Skull-A-Day




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Sometimes I’ll pinch or poke myself for a little localized pain, then I can’t stop doing it over and over! Like last night, I went on quite a…

Highlight here for answer: [twinge binge]

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 2nd, 2007
9:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant
Houston, TX 77006
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com
Doors open at 8.

Original Song Lyrics
I write the songs that make the whole world read:

This song appears on Live @ Bongo Java.

Oregon Blues
Southpaw Jones

Oregon’s as good a place as any to hunker down a while
Oregon’s as good a place as any to hunker down a while
I saw and learned so much there
That I started up a file.

The coastline is a stunner, I headed down to Devil’s churn
The coastline is a stunner, I headed down to Devil’s churn
When those girls in Eugene flash a smile
The world just has to slow its turn.

The loggers and the huggers, they fight like cats & dogs
The loggers and the huggers, they fight like cats & dogs
There’s this might flowing river
That that dam Bonneville clogs.

Heard ol’ Bob Dylan sing “Today’s been a sad and lonesome day”
Heard ol’ Mr. Guthrie sing
“Roll on, Columbia roll on”
“Roll on Columbia roll on”
Went out to the fish shop
Got some shrimp, bought some mussel, ate up some prawn.

Met a wise man up in Portland. He sees where every wild beast plods.
Met a wise man up in Portland. He sees where every wild beast plods.
We shared a mound of sushi
Even offered up some to the gods.

Towers fell in New York on a day called 911
Towers fell in New York on the day called 911
Breaking this cycle of terror
That’ll be the biggest thing man’s ever done.

Down in Pennsylvania, that’s where the final missile fell
Down in Pennsylvania, that’s where the final missile fell
It held purpose and evil and oceans of fuel
And a handful of heroes as well.

Can’t send me to Asia, I’ve got these goofy songs to sing
Please don’t send me to Kabul, I’ve got these goofy songs to sing
Ain’t got no heart for fightin’
I wouldn’t even know which gun to bring.

Two dark gray military jets patrolled the empty sky
Two charcoal military jets slashed the northwestern sky
I headed south to Ashland,
Had me some boysenberry pie.

Oregon’s as good a place as any to sit and rest a spell
Oregon’s as good a place as any to hang your head a spell
There’s plenty of ways to ease your mind
While the world goes straight to hell.

Animal Tracks
Paul S. presents the top ten tunes of animal bands:

3. Deerhoof - Milk Man

“i don’t know what she’s saying most of the time, but i like it.”

Online Museum of the Week
Mascot Stalker:

This girl Liz loves mascots. Who can blame her?

SPJTV
Moving pictures because technology allows it:

My friends Seela and Jon have kittens! E-mail me if you want one.

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

A kitten is so flexible that she is almost double; the hind parts are equivalent to another kitten with which the forepart plays. She does not discover that her tail belongs to her until you tread on it.
Henry David Thoreau

Thank you, come again!
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myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.