Southpaw Jones

Paw Prints
Pics of Southpaw, his environ, and his interweb:

30 years of Southpaw, 30 years of pictures. Come celebrate with my pals and me at Ruta Maya on Friday, April 6!

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

30 Things I’ve Learned in 30 Years (Part 1)

1. Squirrels do not make good pets.

2. It’s good to vote, but never let politics break your heart. That’s Wilco’s job.

3. If you can master inertia, you can do anything.

4. Folks love to hear preaching against other folks’ sins.

5. Women love men in uniform, because they wield some power AND they have surrendered to some power.

6. The most important goal of civilization is saving each citizen from hearing, smelling, or seeing another’s poo.

7. Always, always forgive, but never let the offender know.

8. You can either be a comic book collector or a comic book reader. I could never let them stay lonely in those awful bags.

9. If you can’t say anything nice, try saying “Winnie, fling rice.” If Winnie refuses to fling rice, well, you’ve got a problem.

10. Happiness is like a coyote in a Quizno’s. It only comes to you on a slow news day.

AND…My favorite type o’ mistakes are the ones that result in puns.

Online Museum of the Week
Stuff from 1977:

Rhyme Time!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

One who carries a mistake.
Highlight here for answer: [error bearer]

Plumb, Plumber, Plumbest
Signs o’ the times from Austin’s singing Jewish plumber, Herman Bennett:

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Paw Prints
Pics of Southpaw, his environ, and his interweb:

30 years of Southpaw, 30 years of pictures. Come celebrate with my pals and me at Ruta Maya on Friday, April 6!

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Today is the day I appear on KUT 90.5 FM here in Austin to promote my 30th Birthday Celebration. Tune in via radio or internet (link here) at noon!

As is my tradition here at the Gazette, I like to celebrate the passing months by revealing some of the very real searches that led people to southpawjones.net. These come from web traffic reports I get, and trust me, I am not making them up. I just pick out the strangest ones.

Perhaps the surfers who used these searches are reading right now. If so, well folks, I don’t know what you were looking for, but I invite you to become loyal readers of this here site.

Yours,
Captain No Fun

MARCH 2007 SEARCH STRINGS

• there is only you in my life
• gay jeans
• silly kittens
• famous people with colostomies
• kitten with sweater
• muddin
• silly string implants
• Lying Online
• buster bluth
• captain no fun
• death kitten
• doo-doo doot doot doo-doo-doo doo
• goofy songs for a funeral
• how to play hard to get
• kid falling of off chair
• retarded cats
• america on a stick
• 5 words that rhyme with monday
• Bald Kittens
• How much does it cost to go to Mark twain Museum
• I’m in tears and the cryin’ that I do is for you
• bad sneakers inner meaning
• busty russians
• hipster know it alls
• matt the plumber austin
• words that rhyme with deeply
• willie nelson using narcotic mushrooms

Online Museum of the Week
Stuff from the year I was born:

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

We swapped out instruments. Clef even thought about doing a live performance with an accordion. We wanted to surprise people.
Lauryn Hill

Rhyme Time!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

One man’s squeezable accordion chamber
Highlight here for answer: [fellow’s bellows]

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Paw Prints
Pics of Southpaw, his environ, and his interweb:

30 years of Southpaw, 30 years of pictures. Come celebrate with my pals and me at Ruta Maya on Friday, April 6!

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Hello, and happy Monday to all. I didn’t update the Southpaw Jones Virtual Excursion des Pieds last week, which means I’ve got two weeks worth of running and 28.6 new miles to help further my journey through Texas. Let’s see how we got to a total of 266 miles from Austin.

Week 1: 30 miles to Taylor, Texas
Week 2: 27 miles to Rockdale, Texas
Week 3: 20.7 miles to Caldwell, Texas
Week 4: 22.3 miles to Bryan/College Station, Texas
Week 5: 21 miles through Gibbons Creek Lake
Week 6: 24.4 miles to Hunstville, Texas
Week 7: 22 miles to Trinity, Texas
Week 8: 24 miles to Crockett, Texas
Week 9: 16 miles to Kennard, Texas
Week 10+11: 30 miles to Rusk, Texas
Week 12+13: 28.6 miles to…

Mt. Enterprise, Texas!

I’m so close to the Louisiana border, I can taste the Étouffée. What can I say about lovely Mt. Enterprise? Well, 528 folks live here, including zero registered sex offenders. Way to go! The Vinson Brothers settled here in 1832, hoping there was iron in that there hill, Mount Enterprise. According to the Handbook of Texas Online, “Mount Enterprise Male and Female College was begun in 1851, and it lasted until 1855.” I guess you had to get in on the ground floor for a rare four-year degree!

See you next week with another handful of miles from treadmill and trail to lead my imagination toward the Atlantic!

Online Museum of the Week
Stuff from 1977:

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

I’m 30 years old, I love listening to music, I have a studio in my house and mess around once in a while, but to be in the music business just doesn’t make sense to me. It seems like a lifetime ago.
Mark Wahlberg

Plumb, Plumber, Plumbest
Signs o’ the times from Austin’s singing Jewish plumber, Herman Bennett:

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Paw Prints
Pics of Southpaw, his environ, and his interweb:

30 years of Southpaw, 30 years of pictures. Come celebrate with my pals and me at Ruta Maya on Friday, April 6!

New Orleans, Louisiana, 2003, with key-tar in hand and a backwards hat for some reason.

Rhyme Time!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

To calm down a controversial discussion.
Highlight here for answer: [abate debate]

Online Museum of the Week
If Geniuses Ruled:

Sorry, no longer available.

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

It is important to expect nothing, to take every experience, including the negative ones, as merely steps on the path, and to proceed.
Ram Dass

Plumb, Plumber, Plumbest
Signs o’ the times from Austin’s singing Jewish plumber, Herman Bennett:

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Paw Prints
Pics of Southpaw, his environ, and his interweb:

30 years of Southpaw, 30 years of pictures. Come celebrate with my pals and me at Ruta Maya on Friday, April 6!

Here’s another view of the college years. Looks like I’m trying to explain something in Beatnik to legendary bassist Scotty-Scott. Perhaps I’m begging him to shut up about Young Fresh Fellows. The band, not the demographic.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Here’s an anti-poem poem I wrote ten years ago:

I Hate Poetry

I hate poetry
I hate France
I hate words
That seem to dance
Right off the page
Into my ear
To tie their boats
Upon my pier
To sail their ships
Across my sea
Oh, K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Simile, Simile
Why do you cry?
You’re as overplayed
As “Lullabye”
You sob like the victim of a Tyson fight
Or a Tyson date
Or a Tyson dinner
Someone call Mrs. Winner

Where have you gone
Joe D. Metaphor
Our losers turn their
Pretentious pens to you
They choo-choo-choose
To ride your coattails
To the land of expression
They make no impression
They rhyme as well as Gina Gershon
They must hear my confession

That I hate poetry
I hate Lit.
I hate the things
They do with it

Oh, lover
What can I say?
I love you in a rhythmic way
Oh, sweet love
When push comes to shove
You’re like a dove
The only one I’m thinking of
I’d like to take my artsy glove
And slap the taste right out your mouth
Let’s send all poets way down south
Retirement homes provide perfect detention
Old folks give their full attention
We won’t have to sit and listen
We won’t remember what we’re missin’

I’m a dreamer
I’m a schemer
There is no “I” in teamer

And I hate poetry
I hate Spain
I hate words that
Fall like rain
Upon my head
From time to time
Write it despite it
But please make it rhyme.

Online Museum of the Week
If Geniuses Ruled:

Sorry, no longer available.

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

A good bassist determines the direction of any band.
Ron Carter

Plumb, Plumber, Plumbest
Signs o’ the times from Austin’s singing Jewish plumber, Herman Bennett:

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.net
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.