Southpaw Jones

Moses climbed the climbing rock
Got shoes up at the climbing store
The clerk, he searched the climbing stock
And asked, “What’s all the climbing for?”

“To satisfy your soul’s behoove-ment?
Simply for the self-improvement?
Peace and societal remove-ment?
Because you need to feel the groove-ment?”

Moses told the climbing clerk:
“I don’t climb for climbing kicks.
Don’t think me now a climbing jerk;
I do it for the climbing chicks.”

as reported in The New York Times

May 19, 1908
RUSH THE STRAW HAT SEASON.
Many Men Wear Them and the June 15 Tradition Is Shattered.
Throwing conventions to the four winds, New Yorkers yesterday took advantage of the Summer day and appeared in straw hats. The tradition that straw hats shall not be worn before June 15 was ignored by many courageous citizens, and in the hotels straws and Panamas were shown so frequently that they ceased to attract attention.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I can see right through that contemptuous, curled upper lip of yours. No seriously, I think your face is fading away! You clearly have a…

Highlight here for answer: [sheer sneer]


Illustrated Catalog Of ACME Products

I should dearly love that the world should be ever so little better for my presence. Even on this small stage we have our two sides, and something might be done by throwing all one’s weight on the scale of breadth, tolerance, charity, temperance, peace, and kindliness to man and beast. We can’t all strike very big blows, and even the little ones count for something.
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
dickmonologues.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 2008
9:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant St. 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com
Doors open at 8:00pm

Hillary Clinton’s still going!
Hefty sums to herself she be owing
She used the word “whites”
Having run out of Wrights
She’s lost in all ways ‘cept the knowing
LINK

Myanmar leaders have shown
They don’t want our help post-cyclone
While in dire straits
They act like the States
Stubbornly standing alone
LINK

“Been a while since I used the word ‘swallered’
But it fit when my purty wife hollered
She called it a sink hole
But I prefer ‘stink bowl’!
Our small Texas town just got smallered.”
LINK

Did you know men get post-baby blues?
Twice as sad as wild, childless crews
It ain’t that complex
Less sleep and less sex
I hope no one paid for this news
LINK

as reported in The New York Times

May 9, 1908
MONEY IF FAITH IS CHANGED.
Episcopalian Clergyman Must Turn Catholic to Obtain $15,000 Bequest.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I make sound effects for a Christian radio show. People assume that it’s just hammering nails into boards and yelling “Crucify him!” into a microphone, but there’s a great deal of variety involved in…

Highlight here for answer: [holy foley]


Ugly Bugs

All phenomena are real in some sense, unreal in some sense, meaningless in some sense, real and meaningless in some sense, unreal and meaningless in some sense, and real and unreal and meaningless in some sense.
Robert Anton Wilson

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

Can someone explain how plain rice
Has suddenly shot up in price?
It once was so common!
Do we now munch on Ramen?
I can’t stand that old dorm room vice!
LINK

The primary in Pennsylvania
Wasn’t exactly Obamania
Hillary won it
Did someone de-fun it?
My interest continues to wane-ia
LINK

The muscles of Texas are flexed
“We’ll save cult kids from being sexed!
Now they are free!
Public school and TV!”
From one abuse right to the next
LINK

That galaxy lacks a good blinker
The other’s a known heavy drinker
Hubble-eyed splendor!
Space fender bender!
Doesn’t this place have a sync-er?
LINK

as reported in The New York Times

April 25, 1908
MAN OF 100 WALKS 15 MILES.
Michigan Centenarian Goes to Funeral of Fellow-Club Member.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I’ve got one building for egg-laying chickens and another for good frying chickens. Then there’s this one where I keep birds specifically for inclusion in yummy stews. Last week, we had a bunch escape through this hole here. About a dozen rebels flew the…

Highlight here for answer: [soup coop]


Ice Cream People

A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night, and in between does what he wants to do.
Bob Dylan

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

Charlton Heston, you lived well past eighty
Your roles were iconic and weighty
As tough as John Wayne
We all felt your pain
When those damn dirty apes halved our Lady
LINK

There once was a thing called recession
That suffers the utmost repression
It made people cranky
When Fed Chief Bernanke
Finally used the expression
LINK

When school girls have parties, they tape it
Now six southern teens can’t escape it
They disliked one girl’s face
It’s a criminal case
‘Cause they violently tried to reshape it
LINK

A text message sent from above!
(By which I mean the federal gov.)
If we face tragedy
It’ll say “OMG!
Go spend money on people you love!”
LINK

as reported in The New York Times

April 11, 1908
FLYING LOG KILLS TWO.
ENFIELD, Mass. — W.H. Bishop, one of the best known lumbermen in Massachusetts, and Miss Wilhelmina Weston, 19 years old, were instantly killed by a huge birch log which jumped the slide of a portable sawmill this afternoon. Bishop bought large timber acreage last Fall and recently began to convert it into lumber.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

You sure do know how to delight old fogeys! How did you become such a…

Highlight here for answer: [geezer pleaser]


Lost In Translation - English Gone Wrong

Preparation for war is a constant stimulus to suspicion and ill will.
James Monroe

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SAUTRDAY, APRIL 19
8:00 PM
Opening for Will Kimbrough
Bend Studio
5014 McKinney Ave. 75205
DALLAS, TX
214.841.9642
www.bendstudio.com
$20, Doors at 7 pm.

Did you hear several 3rd graders
Were acting like little Darth Vaders?
They intended great harm
Upon their schoolmarm
Now it’s tough to recruit educators

Obama and bowling don’t mix!
Did he have to let people take pics?
Why must he act normal?
Shouldn’t candidates be formal?
Well, at least he’d defeat thirty-six

He rolled, while Bush simply threw
Out the first pitch as Presidents do
He tossed rather high
Away, yes, but spry
With the crowd sounding resounding boo

The first beasts to partake in sex
Didn’t have arms, legs, or necks
Because they were ropey
The act was plain dopey
They just held on tight like my ex

as reported in The New York Times

April 3, 1908
SEA TURTLE FOR ROOSEVELT.
Problem of Disposing of 350-Pound Gift Solved by the Chef.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

The dictator loved to be greeted out front by a large crowd of hand-picked, coerced supporters. One day, however, he got turned around in his palace and opened the back door to find a great gathering of angry protesters. Alas, it was the…

Highlight here for answer: [wrong throng]


When Geeks Have Children

You are about to have your first experience with a Greek lunch. I will kill you if you pretend to like it.
Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SAUTRDAY, APRIL 19
8:00 PM
Opening for Will Kimbrough
Bend Studio
5014 McKinney Ave. 75205
DALLAS, TX
214.841.9642
www.bendstudio.com
$20, Doors at 7 pm.