Southpaw Jones

You don’t look the moon in the face and call it a liar. You just don’t. My friend Mintzy Oglethorp did that very thing, despite the advice of yours truly, and he drowned in an especially high tide one evening. Whoosh. The ocean is like a plaything to the moon. It’s a puppet, lifted to strike and released to fall clumsily according to its master’s bidding.

Mintzy thought he heard the moon promise him happiness one night when he was 16-years-old. Sally Conundrum had just run from his car, repulsed at some out-of-order idea he had proposed in a horny whisper. He ran after her trying to re-buckle his belt, and he tripped over a root, busting his head.

He told me that when he came to, he saw a big silver face in the sky, which said, “Don’t worry about it, son. There’s a big mound of joy and fulfillment waiting for you out there. Give it a little time.”

Mintzy thought twenty years was an exceedingly generous interpretation of “a little time.” He called the moon a liar, and he died within a week. I’ll say it again: Whoosh.

Some folks think he really did talk to the moon, most likely because they themselves have chatted with a celestial body or two. Others think he was already half-crazy, and the knot on his head sent him over the edge. Personally, I believe it was Flagrant Magillicutty who gave Mintzy those encouraging words. He’s a particularly pale, round-faced hermit who lives in a shack and loves to taunt teenagers with unrealistic dreams.

One time, I got stuck in a tree, and instead of helping me down, he told me I’d discover “satisfying office work.”

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Few things are as stimulating as other people’s calamities observed from a safe distance.
George Will

Online Museum of the Week
Matt Forderer:



Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That spoonful of tart dessert really packs a punch! Woo! Each bite is a…

Highlight here for answer: [dollop wallop]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 30th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!