Southpaw Jones

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Happy birthday to Matt the Electrician, the Simon to my Garfunkel for the whole of five years now! He’s old.

Sometimes I dream of being a comedy writer, not to be confused with a comedy rider, hired to fall off bicycles at children’s parties. If you’ve visited the Gazette before, you may have recognized that I grew up digesting David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists. To me, they are the perfect comic exercise for creator and audience alike. You take a subject, look at it from every angle, and come up with a succinct list of funnies surrounding it. After all, “brevity is the soul of wit,” and who needs a goofy soliloquy when you can pump out a rapid-fire list to make people laugh?

Anywayz, I figure I may be able to score some attention here at the Gazette by practicing my Top Ten skills. Eventually, I may start a feature called Betterman than Letterman, where I try to top the previous night’s Top Ten List. No disrespect, of course. Mr. Letterman is my favorite talk show host of all time. I just want someone to sweep me off my feet, move me to New York, and pay me big money to do what I’m doing anyway: being goofy.

This week’s Top Ten Contest topic on the CBS web site is Top Ten Little-Known Features of the New iPhone. I could win a T-shirt! Here are my TEN entries…keep in mind that I’m going for mainstream, network humor here:

1. It literally tells people how cool you are.

2. Provides tight new personal budget taking its own cost into consideration.

3. Randomly peppers boring conversation with obscenities.

4. Automatically restarts your heartbeat after you drop it on concrete.

5. Offers maps, tickets, and reservations for hypothetical dates.

6. Suggests exercise routine to slim down “sausage fingers.”

7. Waits in line for you when new version is released.

8. Instantly interacts with imaginary friends.

9. In poor service areas, allows you to say, “Can you hear me, e-mail me, text me, MySpace me, read my blog, or see my movie now?”

10. Calculator

Now we just wait to see if any of these get in! Oh, and happy Friday! Come on back Monday morning…

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.
William J. Clinton

Online Museum of the Week
The Missing Piece:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Remember right after the sun went down, and you kissed me? That was definitely the…
Highlight here for answer: [twilight highlight]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?
Monday, July 9th, 2007
9:00 PM
Sick’s Science Project (without Southpaw)
Hole in the Wall
2538 Guadalupe St
Austin, TX 78705
(512) 477-4747
Ok, I won’t actually be at this show, but I strongly suggest you attend to see Sick & Melissa Greener rock out!

Thank you, come again!
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