Southpaw Jones

CRUELTY is now available!
Order the CD now at southpawjones.com.
Purchase MP3s at cdbaby.com or .
Grab a copy in real time at Waterloo Records or End of an Ear in Austin.
Or buy one from me any Thursday at Flipnotics @ the Triangle.

John Edwards cheated on his wife! He was a distant second runner-up for the Democratic nomination, and he cheated on his wife! Please fill every news channel with discussion of this, because I can’t get enough of the scandalous porridge!

The truth is, Democrat or Republican, we should be equally surprised when a man is faithful as we are when he cheats. Why? Because we are shaved monkeys who crawled out of the woods and built phallic skyscrapers not too terribly long ago. Looking upon a cheating man in wide-eyed shock is like tossing righteous indignation at a dog that’s humping your leg.

Of course, a natural history of wild horniness and animal judgment is no excuse for infidelity. Each cheating man should be punished to the fullest extent of the fists, wrath, and ostracizing of his family and community. My goober father cheated on my mom, and even deep into adulthood, I haven’t been able to make sense of it or forgive it.

And yet, I understand why it happened.

It happened because men are monkeys.

Hey, I’m in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful woman, and I fully intend to stay faithful to her. But if I were stranded on a desert island with five masseuses, and we had to burn our clothes for warmth, and we had to huddle together in a satin cave at night, and our “HELP!” sign made of volcanic rock washed away in the tide, and it had been three years since the plane crash, and we had no reason to hope for rescue, and we thought we might be the last hope for the human race…

Well, let’s just say I recognize the monkey inside me. It isn’t a demon or original sin or weakness or an alien attached to my spirit. It’s a horny monkey, and admitting its existence is the first step toward denying its cravings.

If you don’t examine your stupid animal side, how do you ever expect to control it? There is no excuse for what John Edwards did, but there is certainly an explanation: He failed to keep his horny, shaved monkey self in check.

We should be disappointed, yes. Sad for his Elizabeth, his family, and his supporters, yes. But shocked?

C’mon.

We’re all adults here.

as reported in The New York Times

August 11, 1908
YOUNG ELOPERS FOUND.
Boy of 16 and Girl of 14, Who Ran Away, Turn Up in Baltimore.
BALTIMORE, Md. — A postal card addressed to Albert Tillinghast, the boy who eloped from Long Island with Bessie Edwards led to the discovery of the youthful pair, who have been living here for four days in a third-story room in a boarding house in Mount Royal Avenue.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Frankly, I’d rather not have anything to do with the one inhaling here nor the one exhaling there, so I’m just going to walk away with…

Highlight here for answer: [neither breather]


Blindfolded Cartoonists

A religion, even if it calls itself a religion of love, must be hard and unloving to those who do not belong to it.
Sigmund Freud

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
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SATURDAY, AUGUST 30, 2008
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
8:00 pm
Wyldwood House Concert
4205 Wyldwood Road
AUSTIN, TX
wyldwood.startlogic.com
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WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2008
Celebrating the lyrics of CRUELTY!
BookPeople
603 N. Lamar
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 472-5050
www.bookpeople.com