Southpaw Jones

July 1 is here, and 2008 is half-full or half-empty depending on your outlook and the shape of your calendar. Visits to this site in June were down, the lowest they’ve been since October 2007, and that’s after a wonderful, record-breaking May. Perhaps it’s just summertime, and everyone is on vacation and/or breaking up their routines. Who knows? If you have ten seconds to spare, please consider any friends or family who might enjoy this work-a-day site and send them a quick e-mail, or post a link on your blog, MySpace, or FaceBook. Thanks.

Now that June is kaput, I can share some of the very real search strings that led people to southpawjones.com. They are reported as part of my monthly stats, and I could not make them up. You’ll see lots of fine internet queries this time. Here be the most interesting phrases, spelling errors included, my comments in brackets:

• Cutiest Orange Kittens
• stupidest
• hillbilly tattoos
• alien squirrels
• button fly jeans gay men pic
• kinky things to do with a stuffed animal
• nude in the dungeon
• studies sucks
• Silly String Implants
• always strive to excel but only on weekends
• can I ask southpaw jones a question using search terms [Yes, please do.]
• can southpaw jones eat metal [Yes, but I hate all the filing.]
• collect pictures of lifted kilts
• do you have a boyfriend translate russian
• how can i stop being a sad sack [Stand up straight and pretend to be happy.]
• how long does feline laryngitis last [See above.]
• how to keep crawdads alive [Leave them be. Don’t eat them.]
• i have lost my passive voice [That’s funny, your passive voice was found by me.]
• sex fantasies are garrison keillor

as reported in The New York Times

July 1, 1908
LIVES ON $75 A YEAR.
Musician Trying to Save $10,000 for the Poor.
OMAHA, Neb. — In order that he may give his entire property to the poor. Victor Schmidt, a well-known Omaha musician, was to-day discovered living in a cellar, for which he paid $1.50 a month. In his pocket were certificates of deposit for nearly $8,000. Schmidt asserts that he lives on $75 a year and gives the balance of his earnings to the poor.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I hired a private investigator to follow my nemesis around and keep me updated, but all he could do was provide evidence that the target had boxed up his possessions and changed residences twice. I’d love to hire someone who does more than simply…

Highlight here for answer: [proves moves]


Passive-Aggressive Notes

‘It’s wrong to profit from the misfortune of others.’ I ask my students whether they’d support a law against doing so. But I caution them with some examples. An orthopedist profits from your misfortune of having broken your leg skiing. When there’s news of a pending ice storm, I doubt whether it saddens the hearts of those in the collision repair business. I also tell my students that I profit from their misfortune — their ignorance of economic theory.
Walter E. Williams

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
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WEDNESDAY, JULY 2, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theatre
AUSTIN, TX
www.dickmonologues.com
SOLD OUT!
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TUESDAY, JULY 29, 2008
Cactus Cafe
The Texas Union, 24th & Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
CD Release Celebration for CRUELTY!
(512) 475-6515
www.utexas.edu/txunion/ae/cactus/index.php