Southpaw Jones

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:
I’ll have to continue the story of the Northwest tour on Monday, ‘cause I’m just bustin’. I bought some gay jeans yesterday! (I use “gay” here to indicate that a heterosexual man has put some modicum of effort into his appearance. Take it or leave it.) My lower half has finally arrived in the 21st Century.

It started out innocently enough. I had a $10 card for the Kohl’s department store, and I thought I might find one of those folding trays I had seen on TV. You know, the kind upon which you can eat, drink, use a computer, draw sketches, and change a baby’s diaper. Ok, you could probably do those things with any tray, but this one really draws right up to your belly on the couch.

Anyhoo, I didn’t see anything like that, so I started looking at shoes. I need to replace my Vans. The Vans with a hole in the right one, because a dog bit me in New York City. In the summer of 2001! Needless to say, that’s not the only hole in them. No luck on the shoes. Shoes are obnoxious these days. Almost as obnoxious as…

Jeans! Oh, I remember when Abi Tapia first informed me that all my jeans “go in” or “taper” at the ankle, and this is apparently unpardonable. Your body should be presented as a straight line, she told me. This was about a year ago. Her advice stayed in the back of my mind, until my ladyfriend Maggie – upon prompting – seconded her opinion.

Southpaw Jones presents
Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:
The records I used to listen to and still love, you can’t make a record that sounds that way. Brian Wilson, he made all his records with four tracks, but you couldn’t make his records if you had a hundred tracks today. We all like records that are played on record players, but let’s face it, those days are gon-n-n-e. You do the best you can, you fight that technology in all kinds of ways, but I don’t know anybody who’s made a record that sounds decent in the past twenty years, really. You listen to these modern records, they’re atrocious, they have sound all over them. There’s no definition of nothing, no vocal, no nothing, just like — static. Even these songs probably sounded ten times better in the studio when we recorded ‘em. CDs are small. There’s no stature to it. I remember when that Napster guy came up across, it was like, ‘Everybody’s gettin’ music for free.’ I was like, ‘Well, why not? It ain’t worth nothing anyway.’
Bob Dylan

Southpaw Jones presents
And Another Thing…
More verbosity with velocity and viscosity:
Ok, now the information had moved to the middle of my mind, and I was standing in Kohl’s with a $10 card, looking at reasonably priced Levis. “Let’s do it, “ I said. “Ok,” I said.” Then began the search. Tapered leg, of course, was right out. But I still had to choose between straight leg and boot cut. Loose fit or relaxed fit. I still don’t know which is tighter! Button-fly or zipper. [That one’s easy; I will never complicate my life with button-fly. People working with button-fly tend to look like they’re winding a clock or unlocking a deadbolt in their crotch.] Then there’s normal, distressed, and Mega-Extreme Distressed! I swear, I saw jeans in there that were giving away their prized possessions and sleeping 14 hours a day. I wouldn’t mind trying counseling for jeans. “You have to put your person in one leg at a time, just like every other pair.” That’s odd, Southpaw.

Since when do the retail stores look just like thrift stores? I know I’m showing my age, but I just can’t buy something “new” that’s been purposely ravaged by a machine. Or is it even by machine? Are there people in third-world countries living years of active life in jeans just so they can be sold as new to Americans? Am I wrong in assuming that even Kurt Cobain wore his jeans down naturally?

All this text above? This is why you never want to go shopping with me. I got loose fit, straight leg jeans. And they apparently sit below my waist, but above where my waste comes out. Had to do it. I am now the shortest distance between two points for only $20 out-of-pocket.

Spike Gillespie presents
A Haiku History of the World
A look at our past, / seventeen syllables and / three lines at a time:

A pair of Bushes
are planted at the White House,
make Clinton sandwich.

Southpaw Jones presents
Fool Around Friday
Silly games for silly times:
The copter-crashing classic. Here’s the original location, in case it’s not showing up below.

Thank you, come again!
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