Southpaw Jones

Friday is Fiction Day.

March 09, 2007 By: Southpaw Jones Category: Fiction

First Lines
Introductions to classic works I will never finish:

Ross: Don’t you get tired?

Clem: No.

Ross: Frustrated?

Clem: Don’t you ever shut up?

Ross: It’s just like spinning plates…

Clem: No, it IS spinning plates. It’s not LIKE spinning plates.

Ross: I know that, I was just using “like” as a colloquial transition.

Clem: Like a valley girl?

Ross: Yeah, I like a valley girl. Her name is Buffay. You should see some of the stuff from our IM the other night.

Clem: No, dipstick, not “Do you like a valley girl?” More like, so you’re talking like a valley girl now?

Ross: Oh, right. Hmmph. You got me, man. She must be, like, rubbing off on me.

Clem: Too bad you’ll never rub off on her.

Ross: Damn, dude, have a little faith.

Clem: “Dude,” give it up. We’re in Lincoln, Nebraska. She’s in Tarzana! You’ve had two, like, online chats, and you think it’s a long distance relationship or something.

Ross: Two similar online chats? I guess they were thematically, like, congruent.

Clem: Shut up. Don’t you have anything better to do than watch me practice plate-spinning on a Saturday night?

Ross: Yeah, I’ve got plenty I could be doing. But I like to watch you wince every time you break one. Besides, in the realm of indoor dinnerware sports, I’d say the spinner is much more a loser than the audience.

Clem: Whatever, man. Those who can’t, like, watch.

Ross: No, those who can’t, like, spin.

Clem: No, those who can’t, like, read Spin.

Ross: That’s brutal, dude! It’s my mom. She keeps renewing my subscription.

Clem: No kidding, man, I’m still getting Highlights!

Ross: Highlights! Whoo! I, like, love you, man.

Clem: And I, like, like you.

Ross: Does you’re wife know you’ve resorted to using the fine China from the hutch?

Clem: Nah, dude, after she entered our Corolla in the demolition derby last month, I can do no wrong.

Ross: You guys are so, like, like-minded.

Clem: Stutter much?

Five plates simultaneously fall to the floor in a tinny crash. Clem winces.

Animal Tracks
Paul S. presents the top ten tunes of animal bands:

6. Dinosaur Jr. - In a Jar

“One of their best songs with the original
lineup and before they flirted with mtv success.”

Online Museum of the Week
Oolong the Rabbit (with objects on his head) :

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

People think that I must be a very strange person. This is not correct. I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk.
Stephen King